I'm staying

Alright. So I don't know if this is the time and place for what I'm about to say.

I'm not religious. Never have been. Never will. Never had to worry about sinning or proving myself to God. So I doubt I'll ever truly understand where you're coming from or what you believe, though I'll do my best to try.

Being LGBT*Q is, all too often, something that may force us to choose between family, society, and, in your case, religion in order to simply be ourselves.

Now. I am in no way saying you're not straight. You could be and if you are, I fully respect you for whatever conclusions you come to about yourself. Questioning is a natural part of growing up and we don't always come to the conclusions we first expect starting out.

But I would, if you don't mind, like to share my story in the hopes that it'll give you some insight.

So, as mentioned before, I didn't grow up in a religious home. My family was liberal and over time, grew to become somewhat supportive of gay rights. In that regard, I'm fortunate. They accept me...

As a lesbian daughter.

My mother has made it quite clear over the past few months that she's more transphobic than I had initially assumed. By coming out, chances are quite good that I'll be risking the loss of her acceptance and support.

And as you've no doubt heard, society isn't always amiable towards the transgender community. Especially towards those of us who don't pass well.

So it was this, this fear of losing not only family but my respect from society, that dragged me down as I tried to figure out my gender. I knew, that by being myself and transitioning, I was looking to potentially give up everything.

To add to this, I wasn't a textbook transman. Didn't think I'd grow up to be a boy when I was a kid (though I wished for it on occasion). I was somewhat feminine as a child, wore dresses. So I doubted I was a real transman in the first place.

Convinced myself I was only deluding myself, that I'd brainwashed myself into thinking I had dysphoria. That I'd regret transitioning and it would be the biggest mistake of my life. Blamed it on asperger's, on not being "woman enough". Internalized misogyny, among other reasons.

Well, I went nuts. It was one morning. I literally woke up having a panic attack. I committed myself to making myself into a woman, into destroying the part of myself that had convinced myself I was a man.

Threw on a blouse. Shaved everything. Wore make-up. Panicking the whole time.

And then, when I'd decided to call myself a woman, I took a box of matches and as soon as I had the opportunity, went outside to burn myself.

And when I got home, I spent the whole day plastering on a smile, trying to hide the panic that was still tearing me apart.

Well. It was later that I looked up, about to reach for the box of matches again that I realized what I was doing. That I was lying to myself.

I wasn't a woman. I'd spent eighteen years convincing myself otherwise. Forcing myself into a role I'd never asked to play.

I'd probably lose everything and everyone by coming out, true. But I figured, if I had to live a lie to keep them, what was it worth? Nothing. I would find my own community, make my own family if it ever came to that. I would be me, I'd be a man, and god damn it, my name was Byron and it was time to stop running.

I put the matches away and left the room.

So I think you need to ask yourself one thing. If you are bisexual in the end, why run from it? Why should being LGBT*Q be something to hide?

Now if you are straight, I welcome you as an ally. If you are bisexual or whatever you are, I implore you to own it.

Hope this was of some use to you.

- Memphis

 

I'm glad that you're staying.

 

You are still welcome in the LGBT communuty as an ally, never suggested otherwise. But, in truth, you know, you can't change yourself. If you are attracted to men, it's not something that vanishes. No matter how much you convince yourself otherwise. There is no cure for being bisexual, gay. And if you really are attracted to men, if you realize you're LGBT, I don't want to see you beating yourself up over it. If you're attracted to men, it's better to accept it now and come to terms with it then spend years wedging yourself into a role. And that was why I decided to share my story in the first place.

You may be straight without doubt but never think being LGBT is something to be ashamed of, mate.

 

1) Yes, they definitely are.
2) When DOES he? (What makes you believe that there is god?) no offence.

 

See, you have to understand that nobody here wants to spark arguments or debates or cause problems or ANY of that stuff. We're all here because we have had issues in our past that we needed support with.. True, some people that come here have no underlying issues but they make up a small minority of the populace here.

When I joined this site, I didn't even come here wanting support. I came here out of sexual suppression because I really wanted to be straight. I had successfully convinced myself that I was, but it only ever worked so often, and when I got into bouts of depression, it was because my body was telling me that I was lying to myself.

I'm not saying that you're lying to yourself, trust me I don't want you to think that. I can't say that I was put into your position and I know you know that, but what you have told me the past 2 days just doesn't seem like you. Don't get me wrong, I'll accept you no matter what, if you're gay, bi, trans, ace, I don't give a flying fuck what you are. Just know this, just about everyone that posted here has their own experiences here to help you think about things more clearly. Because if on the chance that you really aren't straight, you're gonna hurt yourself mentally, and nobody wants to see that happen to you.

Like I said, I really hope you take a long hard look at what you truly are, don't let something one person told you over the course of two days change your outlook on life completely because that's not enough time to come to that conclusion. I really hope you can take the week to look back, take the time to check out other people's stories and see if you can't relate to them. If at the end of all that, you still think you're straight, then by all means, I can't stop you from being who you are.

What I'm saying is I know you.. I think you know I know you.. And all that you have told me in the past few days don't sound like you. It just doesn't. From the way you acted in the beginning, it doesn't make any sense as to how you're acting now. I understand that you may take this as some plea, but it's not. It's concern for you. I don't care about what happened in the past, just know that I, along with many others care for you and don't want to see you live with something you're not. I hope you can understand that.

 

I am glad you're staying. You don't have to be straight to believe in or love G-d. I'm gay and I think G-d exists.

 

I'm actually going to be fair to a kid.

When I was in eighth grade, bisexuality had become a fad in certain cliques. Since nobody was really educated in what homosexuality even was, there was a bit of confusion. For some reason, a lot of girls came out bisexual all at once. I couldn't tell you why this happened. I personally think that the girls who initially came out didn't understand that loving a girl as your friend, or even recognizing girls are pretty does not equal sexual attraction. The scene phase was going on, so individuality was also a very big hot ticket push for popularity, and many boys considered it "hot". After the first girls initially came out of the closet, other girls did it just to fit in.

None of them stayed bisexual. Except for one or two cases, pretty much all of them decided that they were straight and many of them never even had a crush on a girl. I think it's entirely possible to think you are gay when you aren't, especially when you're a hormonal teenager. Attraction is something that is so intense that you can't actually explain it to someone. If he doesn't think he's feeling it, then who are we to say that he's lying to himself? We aren't him.

I'm going to get a lot of hate for this next statement, but just hear me out.

Even if he is gay, who are we to make him act on it? As much as I would love to say "being yourself is the only way to happiness", we know that it isn't necessarily true. If he can be happy and in the closet, why should we take it away from him? It's his life, not ours. As long as he isn't transforming his feelings into bigotry and anger, then I think he should have the freedom to act on what he wants, even if that goes against what we believe to be true. What works for me isn't going to necessarily work for everyone.

 

I don't know if I should take the age into consideration for this thread.

But when I was in middle school to high school, I keep telling myself that I would try to be straight. However, as time flies, I tell myself to be more open to different ideas and hear out why certain idea is going into logical faults and errors, and started to change my thinking.

Whether you're coming out or not, it's up to you. But, just remember that it's your life and sometimes not living truly is a difficult thing to do. (This could be comparable to like, trying to like a certain hobby just to fit into society. It's possible through means but it's hard to fake it.)

PS. I might also be flabbergasting since I haven't really come out lol

 

Well said, Chip

 

*Hugs*
You're pretty young there, awesomedude2. You need time to figure yourself out and get your life on track. There is plenty of time. This community isn't going anywhere. I'm glad you found a home here, and I'm glad you want to stay. I may be a bit of a newb myself, but I'm sure you're welcome here.

I've had similar mental/spiritual battles of my own.
In my case, I am somewhere between homosexual and bisexual and have a ton of sexual repression that I thought was strictly asexuality. I didn't realize any of this until I was in my early/mid 20s. I gave my life to the Lord back in 2001 when I was 13 or so. I never regretted that. It was the best thing I ever did, and I reaffirm it every day by my actions and by telling God that I am still dedicated to him and give my soul to him in full.

I believe it is quite possible to be gay and still be a Christian. I remind myself of a few things when I think about it:
- Everyone has sinned and fallen short. Even if homosexuality is a sin, which I'm not convinced completely that it is, no one is perfect, and we need to remember what Jesus himself said is most important, which is:
- Jesus told us to love, above all else. He didn't attach a statement against who you love there. He just said to love and that it was the most important of the commandments.
- Jesus also said that those who have never loved are in major trouble, essentially. He doesn't necessarily mean sex here, but just love in general, closeness, intimacy and caring. Are you caring of those around you? That's important.
- I happen to be attracted to men far more than to women. So, I see it as though God is sending me a strong signal as to who I'm most likely to fall in love with.

We are all here for different purposes in his plan. Again, strictly speaking for myself here, denying myself just makes me miserable and makes me incapable of serving others. Meanwhile, I can fall in love with another dude, bring total joy into both of our lives, and go forth and be a beacon of light and hope for others. I like that outcome quite a bit. I'm happy, another lonely person has a great lover in his life, and God's kingdom is blessed by both of our contributions.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not trying to steer you in any direction; I'm just sharing my thoughts. If you believe as I do, then we are all just kids in this world trying to figure the place out and do our best. This is how I'm seeing it right now. Believe me, that's not how I used to see it at all, LOL.

Best of luck, and hope for a great, happy future for you, however you spend it.

 

Okey Dokey, dude. Good thing you didn't make your username something really gay.

 

It's a bit rude to tell you "YOU AREN'T STRAIGHT SO STOP IT" because if you feel you're straight then all the power to you.

It's good you're sticking around.

 

Wait wait wait. I was okay with what you said before but "changing yourself"
doesn't happen. Sorry, you can't willingly get rid of those feelings. Frak knows I've tried.

 

As long as you're happy with who you are
As everyone's said, god and lgbt aren't opposites.

 

Gay, straight, bi, you'll still be my favorite awesomedude2.

You are what you are, and I have no reason to doubt that you are straight, and realistically nor does anyone else. Trust me, that you aren't creating problems, people are just showing their concern.
My personal opinion, you are you. Whatever you are, I love ya for what you are even though I don't really know you. Glad your staying, and I'm here for you, buddy