I'm so tried of fighting

See so many agree that it says more about your friend that they aren't being there for you. Who knows why people do what they do...but I can tell you one thing...it isn't about YOU!

And you should not beat yourself up about needing to make a change w therapists. I have to put the baseball bat away and stop beating myself up sometimes and YES journaling helps! Grab some paper and write out everything in your head! Just dump it even if it seems irrational as you write it! Mine always does. Looking at it later I can see that it isn't even accurate what I am thinking...but at the time it sounds totally right.

 

What expectations have to change? Other than the obvious one of having a relationship with a man, of course. You can still marry, have children, and have a terrific life. I certainly intend to

 

I am your age and I still totally feel like those things are possible...and best of all now I actually look forward to them because it will be a fulfillment with a partner, a wife...not some fake thing. I could never understand how it would happen for me BEFORE I realized I was gay. The fantasy never seemed to meet my reality.

Now, just like you, I can start the journey. It starts on the inside, feeling that I am worthy...then moves outward. So that just takes a little time. It is taking me a little time.

 

But if you marry a man that dude is going to be around ALL the time! And you'd have to have sex with him to have those children you're talking about. I don't know about you, but that sounds absolutely terrible to me. Bleh!

It might be more complex to have those things with a woman (sperm donor, etc), but then you actually get to be partnered with a woman, and be happy. Sounds like a good trade off to me.

 

life doesn't always work out as planned, but that doesn't mean the way it does work out won't be amazing. it will just be different. if you asked me five years ago what my life would be like in five years, I never could have predicted the way things turned out. this wasn't the plan. not at all. but i am happier than i've ever been, even though nothing in my life - career, romance, residence - went according to plan. you're in a rough stage right now, just coming out, so it can be hard to see beyond those immediate struggles. but give it some time and try to follow where life takes you. there is a great future waiting for you out there, it just won't be the same one you envisioned as a little girl.

 

I once spoke with a very wise old friend of my grandmother's who said the word "should" ought to be banned from your vocabulary. She said it blocks you from doing.

Make "will" statements. I will be happy. Or make "I want" statements. I want to be partnered with a woman who is the love of my life. Those statements help you. "Should" is just a way of projecting the expectations of others on top of your real desires. It just messes things up, and leads nowhere good.

It helped me a lot when she told me this. I have made better choices ever since.

 

I'm a cutter, so believe me when I tell you that I know the urge you're having at the moment. It's very difficult to shake that feeling because it's like an addiction. How about you put a rubber band around your wrist and ankles. Pop it once you feel the urge to cut and keep popping it until the urge subsides. It's been pretty helpful for me, although I've relapsed twice this year. I'm embarrassed and ashamed because I really thought I was over this. However, I seem to be bringing these triggers upon myself by letting things get under my skin. Please just think about the ugly scars you'll leave behind. I'm most definitely sick of explaining my scars to people. I'm here for you, hun (*hug*)

 

The scars are pretty ugly. I'm constantly hiding them so I don't have to explain them.

I was just explaining this to my brother & our mutual friend. I was always playing house with the girl who lived down the street from my Aunt. So, growing up, I naturally pictured my life being with a woman. I do have kids though; I tried the family thing, but it did not work. It's hard letting go, but I'm learning day by day. It'll be okay, we can get through this together

 

I know..I remember being so scared of becoming a grown up because the man and wife thing. For awhile I chalked it up to my parents bad relationships. But even when I found "good guys" I was like, "no thank you."

But when I talk to people on here about curling up by a fire with my partner and her becoming my wife...it seems sooooo pleasing.

And all the compulsions we have...and work through... can make us better able to help the next person. And there are ladies out there for us! I used to be ashamed of my compulsions and addictions and worry about finding someone to accept them...but then I realize we ALL basically have something.

Hello, I am Jess. An alcoholic, pot addict, food addict and borderline sex addict...recovering. For me the "recovering" is the cool part and sounds like we are all recovering little by little. And these recovery journeys are helping the next person. So I am not ashamed anymore.

 

You know I was thinking about using my blog to talk about any compulsion I manage to work through...maybe you could too! Possibly even tag it with something so people going through something similar might find hope. You working through yours tonight inspired me! And you ARE recovering! It is a miracle anytime we has such an intense urge and don't give in. I gave in tonight to eating a big bowl of ice cream...but one thing at a time.

So glad we can all be here for each other. (*hug*)

 

I will happily take the time to talk to you any time you need someone to listen.

I'm glad my overly analytical need to fix every situation systematically didn't upset you. It often drives my family insane. It's just how I work though. Analyze and joke; that's what makes the world go round.

 

Yeah I am intrigued to see your drawings now Parsley...and we are could write the most incredible books about our crazy lives

 

While I would absolutely love to share my art with you, it would be far too easy to trace back to me and would thus make me no longer anonymous on this forum.
I work semi-professionally as an artist. I earn money with my art, but it doesn't pay the bills.