Hi, I'm new here so this might get a bit long. I'm really confused right now (I know, I know, nothing new on this website). I've had these feelings since I was 9 (23 now) when tried on my mom's bra for the first time. I had been pretty sure for a long time that it was just a "weird fetish" where I would imagine myself as a girl. I dressed in my mother's clothes secretly until puberty when I couldn't anymore. Since then it's only existed as my "weird fetish" that no one knows about (looking at tg tf art online mostly). That and "Ironically" doing girly things at times as a joke. That's until recently when an artist friend talked to me about tg tf commissions she did for people a long time ago, and how those people have happily transitioned. It put me in this emotional spiral of questioning my gender identity. I went to a trans friend of mine and confided to him to get his opinion. Since then I have told a few online friends and 3 more progressive IRL friends. I've begun going by a new name and new pronouns. I bought female clothes and have enjoyed crossdressing again. I'm excited but worried. I'll go a few days thinking 90% I want to transition, and then I'll get these thoughts that no I'm not. I'll convince myself I'm doing it for attention or maybe it is just in pursuit of sexual satisfaction. It's hard to tell I'm excited being a woman because of euphoria or if it's somehow arousing to me because I like women. I'm certain the thought that I should be a woman will never go away. I'm also certain that if I woke up tomorrow with a full blown female body I would be happy, but I know that's not how it works with transitioning. I'm a very socially shy person. I don't want to go out and feel like everyone is looking at me. That sounds like a nightmare to me. the concept of looking like a man in a dress TERRIFIES me. Being a man just seems safer for my social anxiety. Not to mention the fact that I would like to some day get myself into a committed relationship. being a straight cis man seems easier for that goal than being a trans lesbian. Especially given how shy I am. I don't know how to get over some of these mental gymnastics, but I feel I have to before I'm willing to come out to my family or my coworkers (whom I've only just met and only online because of Covid). I'm looking for advice on what to do.
OK, so you asked for advice. If you can actually comfortably live as a man, do it. I am 58, I started hormones and living full time as a woman at 23 (I knew that I was a girl from my earliest memories). Living opposite of my birth assignment meant losing my family and dealing with a great deal of hate from people who find out. I have experience job and housing discrimination and hate crimes (mostly while living in California, USA). I know that there is this narrative that it has gotten better but it never did for me (the worst hate crime was a series of them in 2012 & 13). Dating and relationships just has not worked out so far. No lesbian or bi woman who knew about my birth assignment was interested except the few for whom it was a fetish. With men, any who were interested in the physical aspects were always "chasers" (it was always a fetish thing for them, they never really considered me as a person), asexual relationships did work out a bit better. With all that, I still prefer living as a woman to pretending that I am a man. If like me, you cannot live comfortably as a man, if it is a choice between not living and living as a woman then go for it. For many looking like "a man in a dress" is a short term thing. Part of it is of course the physical, which is helped by the hormones and if there are more serious issues there are facial and other surgeries that can help. A large part of being perceived that way though is mannerisms and deportment. This comes with time, as you feel freer in presenting as a woman your gestures and attitude start to be read more properly (it does take some work though). For many who I have known the biggest hurdle was the voice, this can be helped some with training. I am fortunate, my voice and body do not give me away and so I live mostly stealth (I do not reveal my birth assignment to most people I meet).
Hi Kaylee, You're story sounds so similar to mine. I grew up in a religious home and used to pray every night to God to let him know I was a woman and to please let me wake up in the morning as a little girl. I would take my mother's bra and sleep in it all night, it made me feel so comfortable. I continued to wear women's clothes in secret all through puberty, and some make up if I could get it. Through my 20s I drank and did drugs heavily, I remember at parties switching clothes with my female friends and even my girlfriend. Once I sobered up in my late twenties I found myself in a steady relationship with my now wife. We've been married a few years and I'm 32 now. Only recently all these desires and thoughts have been coming back. I haven't told anyone yet. I am definitely still only interested in woman and I love my wife. I'm terrified to ever tell her or any of my family. Like you I am petrified of being seen as a man in a dress, although I think of myself as more of a punk type/tom boy female. I feel so uncertain. I wanted to ask if crossdressing again has made you feel more certain of your gender identity?
Hey Alana, Honestly it kinda depends. Since posting this I have been going to therapy and have come out to pretty much everyone close in my life. Although I haven't gone outside in anything more than androgynous yet, I have completely stopped wearing men's clothes. I too think of myself as more of a tomboy which has been something I've had to come to grips with, but honestly... once I found my own style something clicked. I now feel less like I'm playing dress up each morning and more like I'm a girl putting on the clothes she wants to wear for the day.
