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I'm so confused and unsure and overwhelmed.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by thinkanddream, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. thinkanddream

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    Hello, everyone. This is my first post so please bear with me. Thank you ahead for reading.

    Some stuff about me: I’m nearly 20 and I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve had no experience at all with relationships or anything. I’ve grown up and continue to live in an at times emotionally abusive and unstable home. I do suffer from mental illness but I’m handling it pretty well.

    My problem is that I’m just so confused.
    On and off for about 6 years I’ve been questioning my sexuality after I had a crush on my best friend. When I wasn’t thinking about it, it wasn’t because I had feelings for a guy or something. I just became too busy. I was never boy crazy and I never really found men attractive. I always complimented the women in my life and I always had little obsessions with different female celebrities.
    All the crushes I had on boys in school, I realised were because they paid me attention. I never really cared much about them and I didn’t act in a way that most people do when they like someone.

    The past few years have been really stressful and only just now, I am getting a bit more support so I have been able to enjoy life a bit more. Recently, after watching a TV character that I really relate to, come out, I started thinking about it again. I realised that I watch a lot of TV shows because they have lesbian characters. That was about 2 months ago. I went clubbing and a drunk girl kissed me (it was my first kiss) and I spent the rest of the night hoping she would do it again and I got jealous when she started chatting up a guy. Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Am I gay? Were the TV shows I watch just making me think I was? I told my best friend that I don’t like guys. She’s been super good and accepting of me.

    I can’t really imagine myself being with a guy in any way and I still don’t find men attractive. The idea of dating a woman feels more comfortable and nice to me but there are times that I don’t find anyone attractive, even women. Like I will look at a photo of a woman and I won’t initially think ‘damn she’s hot’. Then other times, I’m so sure that I’m gay because I just want to be with a woman. The idea of talking to women in a romantic sense scares me and talking to men in that sense just doesn’t interest me. I don’t think I’m bisexual and I’m pretty sure I’m not straight. (I did those online quizzes too and they all said I was gay).

    The things I’m worried about:

    - I don’t find all girls attractive. Like I don’t find my best friend attractive. When I go out I test what I find attractive and I rarely find a heap of women I find attractive.
    - I’m messaging with a lesbian girl from a different country at the moment and to be honest; she’s beautiful and if given the chance I would date her but I don’t really get that take my breath away feeling.
    - I don’t want to be straight. Am I just making myself feel this way?
    - I’m scared that once I work through my issues with my family that I will want to date men.

    Thank you so much for reading this. I feel like I’ve probably missed so much information. I think that I just needed to get a lot of this out of my head for once. It’s such a mess up there haha.
     
  2. PurplePancake

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    This stuff is confusing isn't it? I've done the same thing you're doing now in terms of "checking out" girls to see if I find them attractive and my suggestion is that you pause for a moment and take a step back. You certainly don't have to find a heap of girls attractive to qualify as being gay, what matters is that you can see yourself in a relationship with a woman and don't feel the same way about a relationship with a man. It's definitely normal to not have that "swept away" feeling come over you immediately without spending time with the person, and if you have known her quite a while then that still doesn't guarantee anything. Humans feel different amounts of love for different people under different circumstances. It's no big deal really, just take your time with it and don't rush yourself into anything. If you're worried that you might be forcing yourself to find women attractive then I'd say you're thinking about this way too much and need to give yourself a break or even just take a relaxing walk with nothing on your mind to clear your head then start from where you left off.

    As for worrying about your family situation, if this is how you feel now then it's perfectly fine to label yourself whatever you think fits best. Sexuality can be fluid so really just go with what you're comfortable with now and see where things go from there.

    I hope I've been of some help to you :slight_smile:
     
  3. Ruby Dragon

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    First off, welcome to EC (*hug*)

    I've highlighted the things that stick our from your opening statement(s).

    You say you've never dated anyone. So what? There's no set time in every person's life where they have to date someone to be seen as "normal". You are perfectly fine just the way you are as far as that's concerned. Rather be the girl that nobody's had than the one that everyone's had, if you catch my drift :icon_wink

    As for the emotionally abusive and unstable home - Well, it's tough for anyone who has to deal with these things, and that on top of an already existing mental illness too! I feel for you, really I do. I'm bipolar and overly sensitive to the moods of other people, and take things very personal most of the time. I don't know what mental illness you suffer form but that's not important here. Do you still live with your parents? Is there any way for you to move out and away from the abuse? Emotional abuse is usually (but not always) worse than physical abuse, because the scars left by them aren't visible. If you ever need to vent or just share your thoughts, don't hesitate to post about it on here. I may not be able to assist you or advise you, but there are plenty of people on here who can, and will, help you with your struggles.

    Nothing wrong with not being boy crazy. Not many of us are. I, for one, have never been boy crazy. I didn't have a lot of crushes on boys when I was young, and even now as an adult, I don't have that many crushes on men. Yes, there are a few instant chemistry feelings when I meet someone new, but I wouldn't call it a crush. And everybody wants to be wanted, and can easily confuse the feelings of "wow, someone likes me" for a crush on said person. That's perfectly normal for anyone to go through. So don't get too hung up on that part. You're doing just fine. :slight_smile:

    It could be that we are somewhat "brainwashed" when exposed to certain things, but not when it comes to sexuality. Those shows may have highlighted those thoughts of yours, making you feel like it's influencing you in some way. There's no way for someone to "become" gay (or bi) just because they are watching LGBT-related shows or socializing with LGBT individuals. It only makes you dig deeper into your own thoughts and feelings, and might give you that little nudge in the right direction of self-identification.

    Glad you had your first kiss, just a pity the way it happened. The fact that you'd wished she'd do it again tells me that somewhere deep inside you, you have a tendency to fancy the same sex, and there's NOTHING wrong with that. Whether you're gay (lesbian) or bisexual, is not for us here to say. Only you can figure that out, and that can take anywhere from a couple days, to weeks or months. It's a long process but it's worth it in the end. Just remember there are 5 stages of grief/acceptance. They are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. You will go through all of these, not in this order, and it could even jump back and forth between two or three of these before finally reaching the acceptance part. Don't lose hope.

    What is there to worry about then? So you like women more than men? I see no problem here :grin: You just have to take the time for yourself to figure things out and work through all these feelings of doubt and confusion. You said yourself that you are sure you're gay, so that's that settled then. Just enjoy your feelings for what they are and have fun! (*hug*)

    We all have a "type" we're attracted to. You may like one body type over another, one hair colour over another, like long hair over short hair, whatever. We can't all like all the people of our preferred sex the same.

    I think it's a good thing that you are in contact with a lesbian girl, whom you happen to find attractive. And there's no need to always feel that "take-my-breath-away" feeling when you find someone attractive. You two are basically strangers to each other, since you live in different countries and haven't met in person yet. So don't expect fireworks right from the get-go.

    You say you don't want to be straight. Well that's awesome! And no, you are not "making" yourself feel this way. It's your true feelings rising to the surface, and that's perfectly normal and natural.

    As for the fear of maybe wanting to date men after all the issues have been resolved - that's a perfectly rational fear that many of the people on here have been through. Sounds like the "bargaining" stage to me. Don't give up, things will fall into place eventually, maybe sooner than you think. Rock on and love yourself! (!)
     
  4. thinkanddream

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    Like I said I'm new to EC so I don't know how to reply properly haha here goes.

    Thank you both so much. It has given me a lot to think about and you're definitely right; I probably need to stop thinking for a while haha. I'm a serial overthinker haha.

    As for my family situation, there's nothing much I can do right now about living accommodation but I do have a lot more support than before with this. Thank you very much for your concerns. It's an awful situation but I'm slowly trying to get to a calmer and more supportive environment.

    Thank you so very much. I can't believe you both replied and with so much concern and detail. It really has helped me a lot even in just this past half hour haha. Some stuff is clearing up for me. It's really good to see that I'm not just being silly and I'm not alone. I can't express how much I appreciate your replies.

    All the best and thank you for the warm welcome to EC.(*hug*)