I'm sexually only into men but romantically feel like I could be into anyone

When you say you've never had a partner, do you just mean no boyfriend/girlfriend but you've been doing the hookup thing, or do you mean no sexual partners at all?

I think if you're not sure about something, trying it is useful. To me you sound like you're definitely into men, but might also be into women. I'm kinda the opposite to you. Sexually I am definitely happy to swing both ways. But I'm in a relationship with a guy, and despite being with a lot more women I have never been in a proper relationship, it has never felt like something I've wanted. Maybe my sexual preference is slightly more in favour of women but that could just be my withdrawal symptoms talking!

Do you have better friendships with men or women?

 

So romantic and sexual attraction are two separate things. they usually compliment each other but not always. You could largely be romantically attracted to women or more feminine men, and sexually attracted to men. It could also be a number of other intricate things. It will start to become more clear once you gain more experience and understanding of your preferences.

I'm BI and when I was still in the closet, I to was afraid to come out and ruin any chances with women. However I realized I would have to hide my true self forever by perpetuating a straight facade and continuing to suffer in silence. I wouldn't be able to give that 100% in a relationship. I couldn't do that. Also if a future wife ever found out my secret, it could cause complications down the road. I've seen it first hand. I've seen girlfriends break up with their boyfriends and expose them out of spite. I've seen a happily engaged couple all over each other one second and instantly end the next.

So it's better to be upfront and honest about your sexuality at the beginning of a relationship. Yes it may technically hurt your chances with women, but if they can't handle the total authentic you, then it wasn't meant to be anyways in the first place. Being in the closet for you is a matter of survival. But when you're in a relationship, that omission of truth could be considered a lie or a betrayal to a partners point of view.

Dating in the closet does have its limitations like you said. It's hard to find and pursue a relationship when you're being covert about it. I tried to come out several years ago as Bi curious on the down low. However most of the men I approached accused me of having ulterior motives or outright assumed and told me I had too much baggage, because I was in the closet. My intentions came across more clearly the more confidence I gained but with limited success. I tried to go on a date with a couple guys in the closet like myself. I guess they assumed I was some kind of gay guru and had the answers they were looking for since I'am a fairly confident guy. I quickly told them that we were in the same boat but I would be more than happy to discover those answers together. They became severely disappointed and lashed out at me and themselves before abruptly ending the date. I realized many of the guys I flirted with and talked to in the past assuming I had baggage probably saw me in a similar light as those guys.

So from my experience the more you're out of the closet the more success you'll have. Make your intentions known before people jump to conclusions. If anything else try going to LGBT spaces or LGBT dating events so you don't have to worry about hiding your status.

 

Is this romantic/sexual attraction thing a fact, or just a widely held opinion? I find it difficult to get my head around, even though it might apply to me.

Coming out as a bisexual man is pretty much coming out as gay by default, as far as most straight women are concerned. I don't know why the world is more accepting of bi women than it is of bi men?

 

Yeah it's hard to explain because romantic and sexual attraction typically go hand in hand like 95% of the time. But sometimes it's divergent enough to be different from each other for some people. Romantic and sexual attraction are two different paths that lead to the same goal but not for everyone.

Yeah I have accepted that fact, and it is a double standard in many cases for BI sexual men. Even with that in mind it's better to be upfront about it so it doesn't create problems down the road like I stated in the post. If women can't accept your total authentic gay self and you have to suffer in silence, then it's not meant to be in the first place. Most women that would be interested in BI sexual men are probably BI sexual themselves.

A Woman told me before that BI sexual women are more socially accepted because women and lesbians unfortunately are greatly over-sexualized already. So it's not a long stretch for men to accept. Sad but true.

 

You sounds like a biromantic homosexual. If you are dating someone long term I think you should be honest with them about your sexuality. If someone doesn't accept you, they probably aren't a good match and are also more likely to be less open minded about other things as well. Open minded, modern and updated people are willingly to learn more about what life as a LGBT+ person is and what the split attraction model is. We knows more about sexualities and orientations than what people did back in the 1980s. Gay men can date both gay and bi men for example.

I'm a biromantic homosexual. I only wants to date women because it's important to be to be both romantically, emotionally, physically and sexually attracted to someone in a relationship. I will be honest about any women I date about my sexuality because trust, communication and honesty are crucial for a relationship to work out. I will tell her that although I may like a man's personality, it doesn't mean that I want to kiss him, have sex with him, touch him much or that I would date one. If she doesn't like people on the bi-spectrum, she's free to leave. I can date other women and if I finds no women, I can stay single.

I wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of dating men because I'm not physically and sexually attracted to them. I think it would be unfair to the men because most men aren't asexual. Even asexual people want to kiss and cuddle. In addition I want the full package in the relationship with romance and sex. I don't plan dating men. If I ever dated one, I would be honest with them very early on so they knew what they were going to and to reduce the chance of disappointing them. It probably had to be an open relationship of some sort with a biromantic and homosexual man so both of us could date each other romantically, but have homosexual relationships with other people. He could see other men and I could see other women. That sounds too complicated to me and I would go for women only. But that's me.

I think you can date who you wants to. I just recommends you being honest with them. Asexual people are probably more open for a romantic non-sexual relationship than an allosexual person is. Some asexual people wants to kiss and cuddle. Others are fine without it.

 

I belive in the split attraction model meaning that you can be attracted to people in different way. Not everyone are either straight, gay, bi or asexual. Some people are in between and sexualities may be more nuanced than first thought.

In the split attraction model we have different types of attractions:

• Romantic attraction = Who you want to spend your time with, have stronger emotional bonds with and build a life with. E.g. the person you want to live with, start a family with, share your secrets with, love and have in your life over longer time than your friends. Examples of romantic activities are giving flowers, heart messages, saying "I love you", holding hands, going to cinema and restaurant with. Romantic relationships doesn't always need to involve sex, kiss or much physical touch because asexual people exists and not all of them are aromantic. A romantic feeling is more intense, longer lasting and butterfly like than a friendship. (Just my opinion).
  
  
• Sexual attraction = Who you want to have sex with.
  
  
• Physical/sensual attraction = Who you want to kiss, hug and cuddle with. Some asexual people are fine with kissing although they experience little to no sexual attraction. Others doesn't like it.
  
  
• Aesthetic attraction = When you finds someone good looking or beautiful. Simple as that.
  
  
• Platonic attraction = Who you wants to befriend and who you have something in common with.
  

As a biromantic homosexual I do experience romantic attraction to both women and men because certain personality traits are gender neutral. For example kindness, patience, politeness, intelligence and being funny. Both men and women, if raised in a gender equal society, are capable of showing similar behavior. The way people act are often a combination of the inner personality and the environment they were raised in. I can see a man that display personality traits I finds ideal in a romantic partner. Same with women.

I'm however physically and sexually attracted to women only because of the physical differences between the genders. Women tends to have softer facial features, curves, higher voices, a sweeter smell, smaller hands/feets, softer skin and less body hair for example. That are features I finds beautiful and comforting. I also think the primary sex characteristics in women are more beautiful than men's. The difference in appearance, smell and voice doesn't change the similarities between men's and women's personality traits. I hope that clarify it.

I also wants to add that I may experience butterflies for both men and women I likes - but in different places. I feel it more in my head with men and more in body in women - but it's still a similar feeling. I have the crush feeling for both. I believes if gender can be nuanced (E.g. people having different gender identities), then it's also possible to have diversity and nuances in sexualities.

 

For people with binary or aligned sexualities like straight, gay and typical bisexual it may be difficult to comprehend it because they haven't experienced the differences, which is understandable. For people who are either asexual, aromantic, homoromantic bisexual, heteroromantic bisexual or biromantic homosexual it's easy to distinguish because they have experienced it. It's like how some people can experience colors differently than others and can see more or fewer colors than other people. It's hard to describe a new color to other people.

How some people can experience sexual attraction and have one night stands without love or romantic feelings, someone can have romantic feelings without sexual attraction. Some people have the ability to only like someone's personality. Other people must like both someone's personality and be attracted to them sexually to like that person. People have different "requirement" or "qualifications" to fill their likes criteria. Therefor some people needs to be X and Y for someone to like them, but other needs A, B, C and D. Most people have an aligned sexuality. Only a few experiences split sexualities like I do.

"Aesthetic attraction" is just a fancy name for an opinion, not a true attraction or crush. "Aesthetic attraction" just means that you finds a person beautiful or good looking regardless if you're attracted to them or not. A heterosexual man can see if a man is good looking: has a fit body, defined jawline and nice set of teeth, although he isn't attracted to him, because he has two eyes.

 

Thanks for posting this, very informative and actually pretty fascinating. So as a biromantic homosexual you could quite happily do all the romantic stuff with a guy, live with, date, fall in love etc. But it's just the physical side that would be a no-go for you, because you don't find any men sexually attractive? I'm not even sure if I fully believe in the split attraction model, but I am coming around to the idea of it. It would kinda make sense for me to say I am a heteroromantic bisexual. I have never really had the urge to settle down with a woman, picturing a life with a female partner always seemed somehow not right. I always found that a strange thing to feel even though I became more and more sexually attracted to women, even to the point of becoming disinterested in most men for a while. I always just put that down to not meeting the right person, but maybe it isn't that.

That definitely describes me, because romance isn't a prerequisite for sexual attraction for me. I think actually its pretty common for people to have sexual attraction without romance, but what is less common is for people to go through with it in the absence of romance. I think being romantic with someone is a great way of building closeness, trust, respect etc, and that's something I definitely need (as well as sexual chemistry) in order to go to bed with someone. But romance isn't the only way to build those things. Certain types of friendships do it for me just as well. And also, it kinda depends on the sex too. The playful, messing around, not-quite-sex but definitely going way beyond friendship sort of thing is a lot easier to just happen spontaneously with just closeness, trust & mutual attraction. And then its a lot easier to progress into proper sex later because you've already built a sexual bond. That's sort of how it feels to me, anyway.

 

Theoretically yes, I can happily do romantic stuffs with a man as long there were no sex and no kissing. In addition the physical contact had to be limited to holding hands and hugging when clothed. I wouldn't be comfortable a man seeing me naked or I seeing him naked. I'm capable being romantic with both women and men, but I have a huge preference for women because I want a relationship with both romance and sex. I want the full package. As long I know about the option of dating women, I would feel I would miss something if I entered a relationship with a man. I lives in a country where LGBT+ is socially accepted and legal. Lesbian couples are shown on TV and in movies. It wouldn't be fair to me or any man I met to date men when I was more drawn to lesbian couples. I believe I would miss a woman if I dated men, but I wouldn't miss men if I dated women. You shouldn't date someone that can't fulfill you because it makes cheating tempting and that's not fair.

There are some pros dating women to me other than the sexual things and the no risk of unwanted pregnancies thing.
1. Less likely to have strict gender roles and expectations. Both does what they likes to do and something they are good at. The house chores would be more fairly divided. Who prefer cooking, laundry, gardening and repairing broken stuffs? It doesn't matter which gender you are. Also more likely to be open to going 50/50 when paying bills or basing it on the income instead of gender.

2. As a shy person I would be more comfortable with nudity if I lived with a woman. We could walk around unclothed in the house without worrying. If one person had to go to the bathroom while the other one showered, there were no need to wait. She could just go in and relieve herself while I'm in the shower. If I dated a man, he had to wait outside the 30 minutes or more till I was done showering.

3. We could share clothing because it's more likely they would fit.

4. We would understand the struggles related to being female. E.g. the monthly cycle.

5. When travelling or being outside, we could go to the public bathroom together and I didn't have to worry about going alone. Yes, women goes together as friend groups for their safety.

6. Women doesn't require as much maintenance to look good, in my opinion. A woman doesn't need to spend minutes every morning to shave her face. I think most people looks younger and smoother without facial hair. She is also more likely to keep a head full of hair until old age.

 

Everything is fine. The LGBT+ consist of many types of sexualities and gender identities, including all the nuances. It just shows how complex the human experience is and that it's difficult to understand everything. Certain things like split attraction and concepts that's not binary are very complicated. It's especially difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. The LGBT+ community now knows about pansexuals, asexuals, biromantic vs bisexual, non-binary etc. These were phenomena that were unknown in the 1900s.

If I talks to a man online, I may develop a friendship or a platonic attraction. Since I only sees text, it won't be as immersive as seeing him in real life. If I met him in real life where I heard him talking and I got to know his personality, I may be attracted to his personality and it can become romantic feelings. I can develop crushes when meeting people in real life, but it's much harder doing it online because it's mostly texts and less immersive. When seeing someone in person, you hear their voice, sees how they treats other people, how they acts in society and their humanity in 3D.

I'm romantically attracted to both genders, but with a preference for women. I'm only physically and sexually attracted to women. My attraction to men isn't just admiration. I do feel some signs associated with crushing like 1) thinking a lot about someone 2) butterflies in my body. Butterflies in my head when it's a man 3) wanting to spend lots of time together with a person 4) going on a date sounds fine.

You can google "split attraction model" and "biromantic homosexuality" to get more information about it. The LGBT+ community isn't agreeing on what romantic attraction consist of. I think if an asexual person can experience romantic attraction and that not all of them are aromantic, then I'm able to as well and that the split attraction may apply to me.

 

One of the good things about being with a guy is that I can wear his clothes, but he can't wear mine! I love wearing his big warm hoodies, I can get my legs inside too.

I've always felt safer with my fiance when walking through town at night with him than with just other women. I know it's unlikely anyone will cause trouble and if they did, he can handle himself. And walking down a busy street with him is great because people move out of our way. When I'm on my own, I have to weave around people otherwise they bump into me.

I disagree on the last point though, he has a 5 minute shower and is dressed and looking good within minutes. He probably trims his face once a week, I spend longer on hair removal than him and if I hadn't had some laser work done a few years back, it'd be even longer. Even when he has a proper shave, he's done in a few minutes. His haircut at the barbers takes 10 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes just to dry my hair properly after I've washed it and going to the hairdressers is always an hour at least. I don't wear much makeup most days but when I do, it takes ages. Men definitely have that easier. If he goes bald one day, its not the end of the world. Some bald guys look pretty good. If a woman loses her hair, its a disaster.

 

On the two first ones you have a good point. It's possible to borrow clothing from your partner regardless if it's a boyfriend or girlfriend. In my case it's a bigger chance it fits if it's a woman because women on average are shorter than men. Men are definitively taller and stronger on average, so they can also be a pro safety wise in public. Men may be an advantage when you are on the streets, while women an advantage when going to the bathroom. So either way it's an advantage.

I'm disagree on the appearance thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I don't care about society's beauty standards and what I find beautiful may differ from other people. I think an attractive woman can look good as long she have good hygiene, eat healthy and wears clothing that suits her. She doesn't need makeup to look good, in my opinion. Many women doesn't have as much body hair as men, so shaving isn't necessary. Women have less armpit and leg hair than men. A little bit hair doesn't affect her attractiveness. Most women can't grow facial hair either, so there's no need to shave every morning and there will be no gray beard shadows. I don't like beards. Both men and women looks better with hair than without, and most people regardless of gender doesn't look good bald to me. Statistically speaking women are more likely to keep a head full of hair to old age than men does. I also thinks women smells better than men. A woman can often get away showering 2-3 times a week, but a man often needs to shower every morning because of the way testosterone affects the smell of sweat. Again, which smell you are attracted to is also subjective. If a man need to shower more often, he doesn't necessary spend much shorter time than a woman in total. Men have it easier because of society's beauty standard and when people finds them attractive, but to me women looks better than men with less effort.

 

I never said it's impossible to fall in love with someone online. I answered what it's like for me as someone who have done a lot of online dating. I said that it's easier for me to fall in love with someone I meets in person than someone I only text with online, but people are different. That is what applies to me. I'm just speaking about myself here.

There are limited studies done on certain sexualities and gender identities in the LGBT+ community, but it doesn't mean that they are non-existent or not real. It just mean that we doesn't know enough about it yet and that more research needs to be done. I don't know if the split attraction model is scientifically proven or not, but I can relate to some of the things that's said. To me my feelings feels real. Anyway, regardless if I feel my attraction is binary or not it shouldn't matter as long it doesn't hurt anyone. I don't need to go to a doctor for that. I date whoever I wants to and it works fine. I think that people are different and that we can't always understand each others' experiences because the human experience is complex. It's okay being able to discuss our feelings openly and I don't think it has to be unhealthy. If I do experience butterflies in my head when seeing a man, the feelings are still there regardless what other people want to label me as. : )