I really need some advice. I've never really considered the idea that I may be a lesbian, but lately it has crossed my mind for a lot of reasons. This is kind of long winded, so bear with me. : ) I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend for starters. It isn't that I have had the oppurtunity, in fact lately I've had too many guys asking me out- but every time I quickly say no, and never once, even if they are "my type" or nice or funny or cute have I felt attracted to any one of them. I've lived with my sister all this time, and am pestered a lot by my friends and her to hook up with someone... It's caused my parents to worry and people to wonder. I can't explain to them, because I don't know myself- I never seem to let anyone in. There have been times where I've thought of trying a date, and been terribly uncomfortable and quick to bail on the situation. I've never felt like I could be myself at all... Recently, a new guy at work, Kelin, came over. This is what started my thinking over again about my sexual preference: he came over and we talked for hours. He was fun, nice, good looking and seemed to have plenty of things in common with me. When he left after his third time over, he called at told me he thought I was really great, and was wondering if maybe I would like to go on an official date. It wasn't oover the top or wierd seeming- it was congenial and not a bit ackward- but I froze up. I said no. And I meant it. When it came down to it, thinking about touching Kelin any of those boys wasn't something I wanted. I realized that I'm either afraid or sickened by the idea of sex with a guy. I'm not sure why... Not only physically, but there isn't a connection I feel with any of them- even when I was younger. I don't feel "love". I moved from my home a little under 3 years ago. I have a best friend there named Haleigh... I've always told her about all of this and she's been there to console me. I've always loved to be touched by my closest friends- all of which are girls. Since I was 11, my friends have been more like life partners or something. I usually only have one during a phase of my life, and that person isthe one I share and do everything with. Haleigh is shy and sweet. When I lived back home, I stayed over nearly every night. I hated to sleep in seperate beds, and so did she. We liked being close. There was this one day when I woke up, and she was standing by the window next to the bed. She was wearing white and smiling as she looked out. The sunlight outlined her body under the big shirt and she looked beautiful. It was 3 years ago, and I still see it sometimes. (Over dramtic, huh?) We always joke about being the only ones for each other. And we both are afraid the other will fall in love, because we feel that will be the end of our relationship. There are so many inconsistencies that seem to imply other things. To wrap up this super long story, I wanted to post in a forum for advice because our last talk made me wonder. I thought about touching Haleigh. Kissing her is something I think I want.. I'm not sure.. And sexually, I am curious, not creeped out like when I think of men. Usually, 'sex talk' makes me feel dirty, but Haleigh admitted to me that she started masterbating... I couldn't help but feel alittle turned on. (Sorry, ...too much info? : x) Does this mean I am a lesbian? Are all of these sure signs? Am I in love with my best friend? Please help! I will be going to a weekend trip to Atlanta with her and my other hometown friends, and I'm not sure what to do. H E L P!
Hi! And welcome to EC. Glad you found your way here, and I hope you get some good advice. Personally, I felt pretty close to th same way. I loved being with my female friends, was always really, really close to one at a time. We would be inseperable. And probabily a little too open. :lol: After a few failed relationships with guys, I realized that I enjoyed the company of my female friends more than the males I went out with, and felt more comfortable with them. I eventually decided that, yes, I do like women sexually. The part that I have been having trouble with is deciding whether I do or don't like guys. Maybe I just haven't find Mr. Right. Maybe I don't like guys at all? I don't know. And I decided: it doesn't really matter. Whoever I happen to fall for, I don't have to answer to anyone! I am a big girl. I can go out with whoever I want to, can't I? Anyways, I am out as bi to my friends and mom. It doesn't really matter what my label is... You will find what is right for you. You could always try talking this out with Haleigh, and get her feiling on the relationship between the two of you. I hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you would like to chat.
Wow- you sound just like me! That's how all of my high school years were- everyone was convinced I was sleeping with my friends... :x I've always felt the same way- that maybe I'm interested in both sexes, you know, keep my options open... But what I'm worried about is that I don't really love Haleigh, I'm just desperate to fall in love? What do you think! Thanks for your reply! (I love Sailor Moon, by the way...)
I can totally relate to what you are going through. I have had a long string of very close friends and we would do everything together. Then when one of us would start dating someone there would always be a fight. I think that it is hard for girls sometimes. Friends can be very close, that you feel like you are already in a relationship with them, minus the sex. I don't think that it is desperation that makes you have feelings for people. If you were that desperate wouldn't you have had some feelings for the guy that asked you out? I think that TeeBee has a good point. Go out with anyone that you want. If you have feelings for her then go ahead. It seems like it is more the person than their sex, right?
I've felt the same way for years. And only just within the last few months have I actually realised that I'm gay. So you're definately not alone in this situation. My friends constantly try to set me up with their uni friends, or people they work with, & it can become difficult trying to explain why you are turning them down (if you're not ready to come out). And it's even harder if you share the same sense of humour & personality, because then people really won't understand & possibly start making assumptions. I feel awkward when guys ask me out too, & my immediate reaction is to turn them down. I've never felt comfortable with the idea of being with a man at all. I've had 3 (very brief) relationships with guys in highschool, but I never actually saw them as anything more than friends, which is why they didn't work out. I also found that I much prefered the touch of females. Like, whenever they patted me on the back, if we touched while sitting next to each other, & several friends used to sometimes rest their head on my shoulder :love: I don't know whether it's love that you feel for Haleigh, or if she is just someone you care for deeply as a friend. I have been in the situation where I've confused romantic love & friendship love, & it's not easy. Especially if this person has always been there for you & you have a strong relationship. I know that you are just starting to question your sexuality, but is this something you would feel comfortable talking to her about? I mean, it sounds as though you both have a very trusting & open relationship if she's discussed masturbation. I don't think my friends & I started talking about that until last year. And we still don't feel overly comfortable discussing it now. So maybe you could try that if you feel she will be ok with it?
Ah! You're reppin' Georgia too! Holla. Anyway, getting back on track, I think you should see where your relationship goes with this girl. If I were you, I wouldn't back away from it if I thought I liked her just because she's another girl. But I wouldn't push it on her either. And as for whether or not you're a lesbian, I don't know, but I think you definately have feelings for girls.
I would just take your time trying to sort things out in your head. It's scary when you first have to come to terms with the fact that you don't necessarily fit the (unfortunate) cultural normal. But that's ok. Just look at all of us out here! Don't back away from the feelings you are discovering. Embrace them and they can take you to some amazing places! If you need anything, remember that there are people here to support you.
I can completely relate to you on not having had a boyfriend and finding it weird/awkward when turning guys down. Not that I get many offers, apparently I'm too intimidating or so my friends tell me. I'm 21 too, and I've never had a boyfriend, I've never even done anything physical (beyond dancing) with another person. Yes, its confusing to contemplate sexuality when you haven't even had any experience, but on some level I feel I just know. My parents brought up this point when I first told them about myself, and since then their question (how would I know without experience?) has frustrated me to no end. I know I wouldn't feel right in a relationship with a guy, but does that necessarily mean I would feel right in one with a girl? I'm not sure and thats the part I struggle with. I'm definitely interested in having a relationship with a girl, but the problem is I'm pretty picky about who I like so not every girl turns my head. So, while I'm fairly certain I'm gay, there are still plenty of questions in my mind, and part of that may have to do with religious upbringing and society's influence. I think defining your sexuality is a difficult thing to do, and certainly takes time. If you're like me you probably try to hard at putting a label on yourself and that may also be the reason we are confused. I guess you can always look at your sexuality like this "it is what it is". I guess we'll all figure it out in due time. I'm not very patient though so due time better come soon. On the other hand, I can't really relate to having had close female friends. I've only ever had 2 really close female friends, and even then definitely not to the level of most close friendships. I tend to be distant sometimes which I attribute to moving constantly for most of my life.
Thanks Ajouneyy, Revealed, Perrygay, Winter89, and Zec24 for replying! It feels better already to have people who can relate... Living with my sister and away from my closest friends takes a huge toll on my ability to talk to people about my problems... thanks for listening! Ajouneyy, you're right about the desperation thing, I think... I mean, if it was really a matter of me just needing somebody, I have a "reserve" I guess you could say of potential people... But the only thing is I can't tell if it's because I don't like men or that I haven't found the right somebody. I've always said I could love just about anyone (openly) if I felt "love". Now I'm only wondering if I'm feeling it already- and don't want to recognize it... Revealed, that is e x a c t l y how I am! Relationships were always short and ackward. When dating a guy, I completely changed how I acted and was uncomfortable and detached. They never lasted long enough for me to even kiss them, because somehow I felt repulsed... I used to think that I was maybe just really picky... that I have some really terrible standard that makes me ridiculously unsatisfied with the people who've liked me... Or even that maybe I only like the chase of getting someone to like me (I've had crushes and all), just not the actual outcome- like I don't want the physical part. BUT I'm just like you, I loved my hair being touched, laying in laps or on shoulders... but only from my friends- who happened to be girls. Perrygay (Atlanta rocks! :3) You really think so? I'm kind of lost like Revealed says... romantic love and strong friendship love are hard to distinguish... I don't know how to find the line! I'm worried that by talking to Haleigh, I could damage her trust in me (I kind of know that is impossible though, in the back of my mind...) or that I don't have feelings at all, and by letting myself lead her on could only confuse us both... Thanks Winter89, it really is a help to atleast have people to help me sort out what I'm thinking- sometimes doing it alone just gets me running in circles : ) . Zec24 , I'm in your boat... I'm picky enough for sure, and my biggest question is if I'm only considering changes in my sexuality out of default. Or that because I HAVEN'T had a real relationship, I'm making excuses.. Unlike you, I doubt my attraction to girls- because I only "admire them from afar", so to speak... I wish I had your confidence! When someone tells me I don't know what I'm thinking because I haven't had any experience, I really take it to heart... Thanks everybody, again. I'm alittle closer to figuring things out, I guess- though really I'm still stuck..(-not that I don't appreciate everyone's comments!! : o !) Our trip is fast approaching, and I've tried hard to consider my options.. This is going to sound ridiculous (you've been warned), but I was thinking of getting alittle tipsy, and attempting to confess to her. If she responds well that's one thing, if she is ackward or something goes wrong, I could wake up the next morning and tell her I was sorry that I said rash things due to drinking- easy out~ Only thing is, it feels alittle cheap to me. Maybe even an injustice to Haleigh? What do you all think? Bad idea? Maybe once I see her after so long, I'll know for sure what to do?
Oh I'm definitely not as confident as I sound. I'm still completely confused. I'm at the point where I'm fairly certain I could never manage a relationship with a guy (see I still use these cop outs like fairly certian). One thing you mentioned about the love already being there, but you not wanting to notice/acknowledge it struck me. That is something I worry about too. Am I just deluding myself into thinking that I don't like guys? I don't know that, but I'm sure I'm being over analytical there. I do know that based on reactions (one's I've had without thinking) I don't get any feelings when looking at males. There is something that does hit me when looking at certain females. But like you I also wonder if I'm just admiring them. One question my father put to me was "did I feel like I liked women because I wanted to be like one of them?" (sorry if that didn't make sense) It seems like a rather odd question, but its one I consider. I don't think thats the case, but it could be. Before I start dissolving into a philosophical argument (just got out of my philosophy of religion class) I'll just say that we are probably over thinking this. As to talking to your friend, I don't think you'll be damaging her trust in you if you are in fact good friends. I told my best friend and she was supportive, it even brought us somewhat closer b/c she now knows about a key part of me. The idea of getting a little tipsy and telling her, while not a foolish idea, might not be the way you should go about it. I know liquid courage helps, but I think if you are not in the right state of mind (ie. coherent) then you are missing out on an important aspect of opening up to someone. I for one would rather not numb that emotion that goes with revealing a part of who you are, a part that you might not normally reveal. I think that moment is too significant to have while in a state of intoxication, whatever the level. However, there are many different ways of going about "coming out or discussing your sexuality and you have to do what's comfortable to you. Good luck with your friend, although you probably won't need it, and like you said you'll probably know how to handle it when you see her.
