So I just kinda need to vent.. I came out at school about 3 weeks ago, I think. Although it definitely hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would, it's still been pretty shit. I hear people talking about me and laughing at me and I just want them to stop. It really upsets me, but I don't really know the difference between someone being offensive and me being over-sensitive, so I don't really know when I should tell someone, resulting in me staying quiet. Also, my school hasn't exactly been great in terms of classes and that. No-one told me what class I was meant to be in for PE (gym) or told me where to go. This lead to me being overly anxious and panicking, which frankly just annoys the teachers. I got myself let of PE until half term, but when we get back they want me to start again and they don't understand that I physically can't do that. On top of this, my mum is kinda making me feel like crap lately. I get that it's hard for her, but she doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me. She won't stop telling me that I'm " not the only one who feels sad" and that she has all sorts of other things she needs to do, but my transgender-Ness has top take priority over it and she " constantly feels as if she has to do everything". She tells me that her having to deal with " this" is forcing her to " neglect" her other children because I always have to be most important. She doesn't understand that I notice, and it makes me feel terrible. If I tell her that I feel bad about it, she just tells me it's hard for everyone else to and I'm not the only one struggling, as if I'm attention seeking or something. I'm just tired and fed up of feeling less than. I just want to be understood and listened to for once because this isn't good for me or anyone else. I'm obviously hurting everyone and I thought coming out would make it better, or at least less stressful for me. Now I just feel like a selfish bitch because it obviously made out more stressful for everyone apart from me. It makes me wish I didn't come out.
This was actually the number one reason I was so scared to come out to my parents, and to this day it's the thing that keeps me from being honest with some of my friends. I hate, hate, HATE the idea of being a burden to people, being seen as the one responsible for emotional difficulty, etc. So I get where you're coming form. And I'm sorry that you feel the way you do, because I relate to it all too well. I wish I had some kind of good advice to give you, but this is honestly the same kind of problem that I worry about a lot of the time and frankly I haven't worked out a good way of approaching the problem yet. I will say this much, don't regret that you came out. You can't change the past. You've taken a step forwards for yourself and you ought to take some pride in that, it meant making a change that probably gave you a good deal of grief before you went through with it. People on the outside who aren't you and haven't gone through your experience simply can't emphasize on the same level, and I'm sorry to say this but unless they are able to emphasize they can't truly understand you. Of course there's going to be some difficulty. You shouldn't be hard on yourself, that's just the way that human experience works unfortunately. The gap in experience creates confusion and emotional pain for others. Sometimes seeking a form of family counseling is the answer if there is truly no way for you to at least see eye to eye with each other.
