Hello. So... I'm starting to change. I'm not sure when it started, but it was definitely after I came out to my best friend in January, though I started before summer started. It started subtly, me coming out to her, starting to dress a little bit differently. But it's all becoming more and more drastic this year. I've thrown out all my skirts, any feminine casual clothing I have, but I still own dresses for parties and things. My favorite color is blue, not pink. I'm changing, not just in clothing. But it's a good sign that I am. I'm scared, though. I feel like I don't belong. At recess, there are basically three groups of my friends. (I could narrow it down to two, but then it just becomes too stretched out.) The first one has all my closest friends, they're all girly and straight. (except for one, but she's not really IN the group, she's just kinda there sometimes) My best friend is in that group. Then there's another with even GIRLIER girls but they're not really my friends. They're just my best friend's friends. There's only like three of them and they intermingle with us. Then there's the group that I wish I was in more. It has my crush, her friends (who are also my friends but we're not very close) and a few boys who are also cool but they're nerdy but I like them. They have the most interesting conversations and I could listen to them all day. (Mainly because of my crush, she's very interesting) I wish I was closer friends with all of them and I want to be able to stand and listen but I feel like I'm intruding when I do. All this said, I still like my old friends and enjoy spending time with them. A year ago I would have been really peeved and depressed if my best friend didn't show up for school but now I just feel kind of indifferent. I know I'm changing but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like I'm not girly enough, I'm not manly enough. I'm too much of a nerd, not enough of a nerd. I'm too gay, I'm too straight-acting. I'm too loud, I'm too quiet. I feel like I belong nowhere and I hate that my friends splits themselves up like this. I think my best friend notices and I don't know how she feels about it. Sometimes I feel like she gets peeved when I start talking to my crush and her friends and it makes me nervous. I feel like I'm hovering over this chasm and I don't know whether to just dive for it or run back to the ledge, where if I can play the part right, I'll be safe. But down in that chasm, if I fall on the right rock, there's a place where I can just let go and be myself. Is there a way to fix this so I don't feel so lost and confused?
