Im about to explode...

Hey Jack Lee....David here again! We shared some posts and replies back in November. Sorry, it doesn't look like things have changed very much. Perhaps if you told us a little more about yourself and your situation we could help more. Are you close to being able to move out of your parents house or are you still going to be there for 2-3 years? You said that your dad reacts poorly to gay folks...how bad is it? Do we (gays) just make him uncomfortable or is he a full-blown homophobe? You haven't said anything about your mom....how does she feel about the LGBTQ community? Also pretty important...how well do your get along with your parents? Answers to those questions would help us help you! Here is an idea you can do right now... Write a letter to your parents coming out to them...DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM!! Use the letter to help you organize your thoughts. Let it help you decide what you want to say and how to say it. You can re-write it a few times until you have really gotten clear in your mind what you want to say to them...HEY...DON'T LEAVE IT LYING AROUND TO BE FOUND!!! After you've gone over the letter a few times, you may decide instead to come out by talking to them or you might think that the letter is a good idea. If you use the letter, be sure that you are NOT there when they get it. That is often the big advantage of the letter, they have time to think about it for a while before they talk to you. Sometimes that is a lot better than telling them face-to-face and getting a surprised, negative reaction that might not happen if they had time to think about it. Okay, please think about answering the questions, and hang in there for now! .....David

 

Hey Jack Lee! Thanks for getting back to us. What you are dealing with is actually not unusual. It seems that a lot of men have trouble looking past the heteronormative way that they were raised. I suppose that this seems to be more evident to me....as I am actually the father in my family! And I am the one who is gay. In a strange reversal, coming out to my oldest son was terribly difficult. I do think that the letter is a very good idea for you. It will really let you get things out. Somehow putting things down on paper or in a computer (if you make very sure no one else can ever find it!!!), helps so much to clarify you thoughts. I did that before I came out to my son. I wrote a long letter to my son (still have it) and it helped so much when I finally said the words "I am gay" to him. Even if you never send the letter it can help so much in just taking some of the pressure off. Then if you choose to send the letter you can be sure that it says the right things after having spent time going over it and editing it. Just be so very sure that no one finds that letter before you are ready for it to be found!!

I'm going to make a guess now....remember it just a guess and it's from someone who has never met your folks!

It seems that your mom may have a difficult time when you come out to her. Mothers often are afraid for their gay children...afraid they will be bullied or mistreated, unable to get a good education or a good job and unable to ever have a happy, warm family. That's how most mothers think...and they have good reason. Society has changed, but we are not there yet. Those things that she is worried about can happen. Although, if you are paying attention to those around you and make good choices about whom you come out to, most of those things can be easily avoided. I am an example of some of that. I have not come out to everyone, not posted it on Facebook, not sent emails to all my friends. I have told some very close, important friends, my wife and my oldest son. That's all. My two youngest sons do not know and neither does anyone else in my family. Right now they don't need to know. I think that the "need to know" concept is important. Often when someone comes out after hiding there is an urge to shout it to the world...it feels so good to destroy that terrible secret! But that is not always the best choice. Think about who you might tell and consider what their reaction will be. If you don't want them to tell others...will they keep your confidence? Telling someone and asking them to keep the secret is actually making them keep that terrible secret that you hated and are now free from. So, do they need to know? Or, do you need to tell them? Sometimes you do need to tell a person, just think carefully about who you tell.

I think you dad is not going to take your coming out well. He may refuse to believe you. He may punish you for even talking about the possibility. Whatever he does, he will most likely be angry and shout at you....a lot. Some men can never get past the fact that they have a gay son. They see it as a failure on your part and, even though they may never admit it, they see it as a failure of theirs also. That can be so difficult for some men that the fact that they do love you seems to be nonexistent. Try to remember that he does love you even if he has never said it or even hinted at it. My father never said anything like that....ever. But in his later years he introduced me to a friend of his as "My Son" and I could tell that he said those words with capital letters. It was the only time I ever got a hint that he did care.

I can understand the the anxiety and depression....been there, done that, had to take the meds! I'm hoping that the letter and staying in touch with us here on empty closets will help. You now have a place where you can express how you feel with no reservations. You don't have to hold back....we will listen...and help where we can. You bet....YOU ARE ACCEPTED!!! It would seem to me that coming out to either of your parents right now is not the best idea. Do you maybe have a close friend who you KNOW FOR SURE would keep your secret if you came out to them? Empty closets can be a huge help, but having an irl person to talk to would also help a lot!

OK, enough for now....I've written a novel! Hang in there and keep us posted! ....David

 

Jack Lee.... It's so good to hear back from you!!! And I am glad that you do have that one friend who you can confide in!! That warm, flesh and blood person that you can talk to and hug when things get tough. Please do keep posting....it's so important to have someone who can listen and just be there for you when it gets rough. Yes...keep posting and we will do our best to keep answering!. As your situation changes, the challenges you face will also change. And now the really important part......

One of the best ways to help yourself is to help others. As you look through posts here on EC, you may see some that are situations that you have faced or are facing. That is your chance to help those people. You can share with those folks what your experience was and how you handled it. That is how we "pay back" the help we received! THE FEELING THAT YOU HAVE WHEN YOU HAVE HELPED SOMEONE ELSE IS REALLY INCREDIBLE!!! Hang in there and have a wonderful life! Share with us and we will share with you!! .....David