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If you suspect wife knows does that mean she probably does?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Joolz66, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. Joolz66

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    Hi, male, 53, married and gay (i came out to myself about 6 months ago).. my queston is this: if you suspect your wife knows is it the case for those guys who eventually came out to thier wife that she already knew or suspected?. My wife has said a cpl of things in heated discussions such as "you dont really llie women do you?" I initially took this as her calling me a mysoginist but reflecting on this i think she was calling out my homosexuality..any thoughts?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Due to particular circumstances around my relationship, I never came out to my ex. However, he did often make references to my sexuality. Whether he believed there was anything in it, I don’t know. He’s still asking me to get back together over six months since splitting, so I assume it was just another way to have a dig. I never displayed any affection towards him, which he probably now attributes to other things, so maybe that’s what it was.

    How do you feel about having an honest conversation with your wife? That’s probably the only way to know for sure.
     
  3. Biappeal

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    I can only comment on the intuition of my wife. After about 8 years of being married my wife would ask me if I thought I might be gay. I think this was because I would get particularly charge when watching guys in porn videos and comments that I would make on guys appearance; and likely the lack of comments on women.

    Eventually, I told her I was bi. However, periodically she would still make comments that I might be gay. About 10 years ago, I accepted that I was gay (and had been essentially gay all my life) to myself. I came out to her over a year ago. Basically, her response was “I told you so”!
     
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  4. olderwiser

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    It is absolutely amazing what the mind can dream up or suspect. The only way to know for sure is to ask and then be ready for the answer no matter what it is. Good luck my friend, life is about to make some interesting changes.
     
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  5. Joolz66

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    I can't imagine ever telling my spouse, but having lurked on this forum for awhile it seems that on the whole, nor could anyone else in my predicament it seems, at least in the beginning. From what I have read here, most people eventually come out to their spouse. How does that make me feel? The seeming inevitable nature of it both terrifies me and excites at the same time.

    It intrigues me though that spouses seem to know already. Knowing that how should one include that as part of their coming out plan?
     
  6. Chrissie72

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    I am in the middle of having that conversation (nightly) with my wife. First few times were tough but getting easier. I had to deal with her misconceptions about transgender and cross dressing but she is doing her own research and is less negative. Fingers crossed but the weight off my shoulders is noticeable. Good luck xx
     
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  7. Nickw

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    Hey @Joolz66

    My wife never suspected I was bisexual. Even though I had told her when we had dated thirty years earlier that I "thought every guy was a little bit bisexual". It just didn't register. I think that gay stereotyping was probably part of that. My wife really believed that gay men acted a certain way. She would comment that my gay brother just doesn't seem gay. Since I don't do any of the behavior that pop culture defines as gay (attention to appearance, shopping, clothes, musicals, drama) she just didn't catch on that I was checking out guys.

    I think that I had difficulty myself in accepting my same sex attractions. I always felt that I am "straight with a kink". Because, I would see the depiction of gay men in the media and I just don't share much in behavior. My boyfriend grew up the same way. He is gay, not bisexual, but he didn't understand for the longest time that he was gay because he wasn't into being flamboyant. The really funny things is that my wife is convinced one of our friends is gay because he is quite flamboyant and a bit feminine acting. I know he is straight because I've seen how he checks out women.

    Your wife may have no clue about your sexuality. One of the things that I disagree with some of what Dr. Kort says is that he mentions that often the wives of gay men are complicit with their husbands in the closet. That they know their spouse is gay and refuse to accept it. I don't think that is always the case with those of us who are really good at hiding our sexual attractions. I wouldn't assume anything about what your wife believes. But, I do encourage you to find a way to come out to her when the time is right.
     
  8. Snowqueen

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    Just finally accepted I'm gay here, and my girlfriend doesn't suspect a thing, planning to leave when the world settles down as it would hurt her way too much if I told her I need to be with a man.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    I'd say it's 80-20. Eighty percent of the time they have an inkling and the other twenty percent of the time they are blindsided. We have many married or now not married members here who share stories of things that spouses, relatives, and parents have pointed out to them. In movies like "Far From Heaven," and there have to be some real life situations like that, the wife didn't know until she walked in on her husband in an unlikely place.
     
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  10. ChescaC

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    Can’t quite say anything around sexuality, but I know that essentially everyone else knew I was trans before I did(including a potential sexual partner). Some where just waiting on me to come out, others(like some family) were hoping I’d ‘outgrow’ my ‘peculiarities’.
    But yes, in most cases other people will know if we aren’t Cisgendered or Heterosexual before we know ourselves.
     
  11. Chip

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    Joe Kort, Ph.D says that in his 25+ years of experience working with many gay men who have been stuck in hetero marriages, that in almost every case, once the dust settles, and after the anger and angst, the wife realizes that either she did know and was in denial about it, or that she had her suspicions, but minimized them. Dr. Kort argues it is essentially a mutual agreement of silence not to discuss the 'elephant in the room'.

    So likely she does know or suspect. Whether she is conscious of that is uncertain.
     
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  12. Joolz66

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    I'm struck by the similartiy of the stories of married guys on here and how they seem to have so many similarities. These experiences resonate so strongly and I find my self recognising myself in so many of the situations, so good to know I'm not alone
     
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  13. Joolz66

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    I'm working on the premise that it's likely she knows on some level probably reinforced by the the fact too that Ive lost my desire for sex with her. Her sexual drive was never high but since menopause sexual intimacy between us has all but disappeared.