If these are the syptoms, what's the problem?

Thank you. All of you for your support.

 

Its still really hard for me to face the fact that I am killing my baby. Its about 6 to 6 1/2 weeks along already. The abortion will hopefully be in about another week. I already love this child with my entire being.

I'm looking at it as if it has a terminal illness diagnosed today where it only has a week left. I'm going for an ultrasound tomorrow. I'm going to get a picture, but not look at it till after the abortion. The father is going to hold onto it till I'm ready. I'm planning going through the greiving process step by step. I"m going to form a relationship between me and my child this week: talk to it every day and sing to it and tell it about its wonderful daddy and everything I can in the next week. Then after the procedure, I'm going to bury the picture, a baby blanket, and a letter telling it how much I love it, since I won't be able to bury it. I want to have a little grave for its honor and memory so its spirit will know that it is loved beyond all comprehension.

I think if I look at it this way, copeing might be a little easier. If i see it as a natural death, as the abortion as turning its life support so it won't have to suffer in life A form of...euthanasia. Any thoughts on this? Is it wrong of me to want to do this for my baby? I want to keep it, but I know I am not ready and its life would be a miserable existence. I just want to honor its memory. I love it so very very much and want it to be remembered.

 

My mom does know. I told her a few hours after I took the tests that came back positive. She doesn't agree with my decision, but wants to go with me when i get it done to make sure i come out of it alright. She's also talking about finding me a counselor to talk to after its done.

I haven't told her about my idea yet for the memorial. When i've got it figured out what I want to do, I will. Its daddy is trying not to think of it as a baby (i think to comfort him), but tonight he asked me to call it "our baby." I've gotten into the habit of calling it "my baby." But he agrees that he doesn't want our baby to be forgotten. I don't know if he will add anything to the little box that I'll bury after its done, but he's happy I'm doing something to remember it by. I just don't want it to feel like its not wanted. Because, if i had the means and the right kind of family to raise it up in, I would. But I'm not going to make the first 4 or 5 years of its life misery and hope it forgives me later.

So instead, I've been sitting here talking to it, (i've called it baby doll since i don't know the sex and all i can think of is a pair of big, brown, wide eyes looking up at me with all this imformation i'm giving it.) all night and it every minute detail i can. I cry alot too. Try not to, but it happens. None of this seems real though. And I feel kinda silly talking to this little buldge on my stomach, not knowing if it can hear me or not. But if it can, i hope it knows i love it.