Not having a 110% sure identity label and name is just tearing me apart. But i gotta be closetted irl cause its not safe otherwise. But like i feel like without people to play pronouns and names for a day with how else can i be sure what i am and what name i want to use. Alex was always a placeholder name before i really ever explored anything i was just desperate not to use my birth name, to have a 'real' name...it had to be wit hthe same initial cause dysphoria writing initials for work for stuff, and something gender neutral and normal to not raise suspicion should i decide to be really brave and ask to be called it at work...but with so many restrictions, here i am a year on and i just don't know about it. Plus its a 'trans name' and i hate that. And i never really let myself pick whatever i wanted...i had so many restrictions... But there's this too. I mean i'm mostly a guy. I've had bottom dysphoria on and off forever (but was super good at convincing myself out of it, telling myself oh no its totally normal every girl thinks this every once in a while). I've always hated long hair and now that its in a bob cut i will never have it long again. Its so much more me. I've always felt separate and different from other girls. I remember as a kid playing with my best friend at the time at her house, a girl my age...she had all her toys out and i felt so...out of place. different. seated among her doll houses and ponies and whatnot. i thought 'she's such a girl' and felt, in that moment, i couldn't put words to it but i felt like i wasn't a girl and she was such a stereotypical girl. But like...once in a blue moon i'll want to have a purse and a pretty outfit but that's literally not often at all. Not even once a month. Like the first time in a year, the other day, i wanted to be all like that but couldn't find the purse and it was work day anyways so i was at work all day anyways. So its not like i'm genderfluid w/ two clear....phases, i guess? idk what to call them. But like once in a blue moon i wanna act/dress like a girl and feel girlie but its very rare and even then its not acted upon much. There's little...follow through, i guess, there. So like idk what to call myself. Binding and packing feel so right its like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm never more calm and at ease than then. But my identity, my name, idk and it tears me apart. Like i feel dehumanized. And all that on top of knowing that if i'm not the female christian conservative republican that my mom expects me to be she'll disown me and hate me and speak bad and lies about me to everyone who she can corner and talk to. Her and brother and probably sister too. Sister doesn't like me as it is. Dad's not there emotionally anyways...he's progressive enough to be ok w/ me liking girls but idk what he'd think of gender. And even if he were okay with it he's not much of a dad. He's a great father but a bad dad if that makes sense. He's just not emotionally available. I can't pick a name. I feel like i gotta pick it now and be okay with it for the next, what, 70 years or however long my life is. I don't care what my parents would have wanted my name to be...that and i'm fairly sure they just used that name for my brother anyways...mom named us both after a tv show....good, normal names, but after a tv show nonetheless...its just a lot of pressure. I want a normal boys name but i don't want to be one of like three in the classroom or the office or what have you. But then again that brings me back, am i trans enough? Or is this all some dumb phase that'll last another year and be over? Do i just need to explore and incorporate masculinity? But like its too hot to wear my binder at work cause its summer now and that bothers the hell out of me...and when i saw a kid i thought was trans and on T at the store while i was at work i was like if he is i want to be in that position someday...not gonna go into that story cause for all i know i'm right and the kid's on here xD
Do you have anyone, (friends, coworkers, school councillor, therapist) you could confide in? Even one person might be enough for you to explore your identity and what feels right. It's not a race, don't feel pressured into picking a name and/or identity immediately because you HAVE to. Give it time, take baby steps if you have to. To be fair, it took me years to find a name I was comfortable with. Everyone's different, and some people just need more time than others. You are no more or less valid just because it took you longer than others. Keep exploring what makes you comfortable and when you find your name, you'll just know. Trust me. If you ever need to vent or just talk, my wall's always open. Take care of yourself. PS Men can like feminine things like purses, makeup, jewelry, etc and still be men. Same goes for women. Don't let stereotypes make you think you're less-than anyone else.
I just feel like unless/until i know i'm not even a person. Like who the fuck am i, what am i. Or should i just force this all back to nothing like it was in my teen years. Force myself to be normal.
I have these thoughts as well. However, will that make you happier? You said you're not out at the moment, right? That may be playing a huge role in your comfort level and identity. If you can find someone you trust, you may feel a weight lifted off of yourself.
THere's a new guy at work who saw my necklace and was trying to be an open ally but i got scared and didn't tell himanything so now he just calls me my birth name. And idk what to tell him and idk if it would stay with jsut him or if others would overhear and it'd become a work rumor and get spread around...so i just didn't tell himanything...
That's fair. You never know how someone you just meet with react or if they'll say anything to anyone else. Have you got to know him any better since he started at your work? If you think he's a decent guy, you could always send a text if your afraid someone will overhear also.
I don't have his number and i don't really talk to him (or anyone really). I've always just isolated myself, at first out of no choice as a kid and later cause i felt too different and now cause i fear judgement. so i just don't know how to talk to ppl anymore. and even then i'm afraid i'm talking too much or that they are annoyed by me but just won't say it.
