Iam back and need advice

Iam back and i feel worser than in the past.I focused to do sport stop to overthinking that helped me alot but the horrible journey starts again.It was maybe last week and i was in a road trip with my brother.Suddenly an same sex thought came in my brain.From the outside you couldnt see that iam panicking.It felt like i was in a different dimension.Suddenly my groinal felt harder harder i noticed that i was half aroused.I wanted to go home.My enotional feelings changed in seconds from happy guy to a really depressed guy.The tests began again and my brain used every single same sex signals as an big Warning.It felt really harder than before.Than the morning wood disaster made me really depressive.Every single day i woke up and automatically gay romantic came in my brain.I had an morning wood.Than i had an dream for few seconds it was an girl than changed to a naked man at this moment i woke up.My body full of sweating and an morning wood.My question began.Do i get this arousal from a same sex dream or from the opposite sex.I wanted to find out.Started again with romantic material.It was horrible.Suddenly when i saw a man it felt like attraction.I mean body signals body temperature.Yeah iam back and the devil circle on my brain starts again.Yesterday i said to me ok thats true i wanted coming out.But everyone was busy.I wanted accept my sexual nature.But it didnt made any sense.Iam in a cage and my brain dont focuse for another things only that topic.The time were iam good was better but it could be more better.I had bad thoughts over violence punching a cat from the neighboorhood or do something cruel.The thoughts felt a this moment real but i knew i could handle that and iam not a bad guy.I reallise that iam a pretty sick guy.I feel at this moment depressed,lonely and without any emotions.I want breath.I want back in my tenager lifestyle where i felt the life.My first post here was 2 years ago.Its felt like maybe 4-5 months.I cant feel that iam alive.