I'm AFAB, and that's basically what I wish I could do. I'm absolutely going to regret posting this, because usually when I say this stuff I'm told I'm mentally insane. But, I need someone besides my therapists to hear this. I'd probably not even switch constantly, I'd have a very set form most of the time and just change depending on what I need at that moment. Need to wear a suit? Alright, I'll make myself look more linear and have male parts. Need to wear a dress? Good thing I have boobs then. Sometimes I don't want genitals, sometimes I do, sometimes I picture myself with one set, but usually it's the other. Most of the time it's a mixture of both or none at all. I don't even relate to masc or femme or androgynous, I'm Alstrium and Alderelic. My body would be very weird looking if I could make it what I want to look like. I'd look like a dark elf, or a weird creature made of wood and moss, or an eldritch horror that only pretends to be human. What I want to be doesn't exist in real life, but that's what I want. But I can't achieve that, so I thought about middle ground options. Surgeries that are out there for me aren't something I personally would feel happy with as they're not within the bounds of my ideal target body. Top and bottom surgery just doesn't have anything within the realm of possibility, so I had to look into prosthetics or things I can wear throughout the day. I've tried binding before, but that never flattened my chest thanks to how large my breasts are (38-40DD). Most it did was cut off circulation in my arms. I hate working out, I mean I love being strong but I hate how big my muscles get and how much fat I retain. I've even bought dumb little elf ears and, yeah they're cool kinda but they're not real for me. Packers make me feel AWFUL, I can't stand wearing them. Lastly, I tried hormone therapy, a low dose testosterone gel. It gave me everything I didn't want, from making my already visible facial hair worse, to my extremely deep voice getting deeper, to extremely depressive and psychotic episodes. I kept trying on and off for 4 months, and I just got worse and worse. I felt horrible. My hips got bigger and my breasts somehow increased from 36DD to 38DD as well, not from muscle either, it was breast tissue, and nobody can figure out why. The only thing I liked was some stuff happening...downstairs, but that went away the moment I stopped taking it. The one permanent side effect I wanted somehow went away, and yes we don't know what either because I still have the awful facial hair and bad voice problems. I tried talking about this to other people online on Reddit, and they told me I'm a liar because none of this could've happened in such a short span of time. Besides outright having the doctors back me up, I can't really do anything but say that this stuff really is a problem for me. Basically, I don't know what to do. If anyone has any, and I mean any ideas, please let me know. Whether it be a surgery I never heard of before, or a different type of body modification, or a product I didn't hear of before, please let me know.
