Lately I'm really regretting coming out. Or I guess, I'm glad that I came out to my immediate family but I wish I hadn't come out to anyone else. Because I came out to a lot of people, and they were all pretty much okay with it, but now word might have gotten around to people I wouldn't want to know that I'm gay. And it makes me really scared because I feel like I've lost the sense of security that came with being in the closet. I just don't think I'm confident enough to ever be openly gay. What if I made the biggest mistake of my life by coming out?
Hey daughtry, What you're feeling isn't unusual. Being in the closet is a safe, quiet place. But staying in the closet limits your ability to live your life honestly and be true to yourself and anyone you choose to share your life with. Short of creating a situation where you are in physical danger, Coming Out is rarely (in my experience) a mistake. I would say that it may take some time for you to get used to being Out, but that you will eventually become much more comfortable with the idea and, ultimately, with yourself. As far as others knowing about your sexuality, especially people that you wouldn't have intended to know, so what? Unless, as I said, there is a real risk of physical harm to you, why would you even care what those people know or think? Heck, if someone like that came up to you and said that they heard that you're gay and asked you to your face if that was true, why not simply ask them something like "why in the world would it matter to you if that were even true?" Or "why would it be any of your business if that were even true?" Just some thoughts.
I think the reason I care what other people would think is because people used to verbally harass me for having feminine interests when I was still in the closet. And if I become more open about being gay, I think that harassment might increase. And my instinct is always to avoid conflict, so whenever I'm faced with situations where people are criticizing me like that I'm probably just going to run away. I don't know how else to react.
Hey daughtry, I can certainly understand not wanting conflict. I'm sorry if you have had to endure verbal abuse from ignorant people. You said that it's been a year and a half since you Came Out to most people. Are you still being harassed or has the verbal harassment increased? Or is that primarily just something that you worry about for now?
Thanks Quantumreality. I'm not being harassed anymore. It's mainly just something that I worry about. But I grew up in a homophobic environment so I'm paranoid that people will think I'm gross for being gay. It makes me want to isolate myself because I get so much anxiety in social situations.
Hey daughtry, It's great that you are no longer being harassed! You said that you Came Out to a lot of people and that they were all pretty much okay with it. I'd say that you should just try to surround yourself with those accepting people. They should be able to help you to become more confident in who you are and help you minimize the impact should you encounter harassment again from someone at some point in the future. Stay strong!
One of the problems I have is that someone outed me to a couple of my relatives and word might have spread to the rest of my relatives now. And I'm mad because I didn't want them to know and now they may know, and I have no control over it. It's upsetting.
But why does it matter if they know? Sure, it sucks not having control, but do your relatives have the guts to say something bad about their family even if they do think your are wrong or wierd? Anyways, I now just ask people to please think about how they would feel if straight jocks were the minority and femininity was overvalued in males and they were shamed for loving sports instead of drama, art, and intellectual pursuits how they would feel.
I'm sorry if that happened, daughtry. Unfortunately, as you Come Out to more and more people, the more likely it is that you will lose control over who actually knows. Your immediate family has your back, right? So, maybe you can focus on becoming more confident about being the person you are. Have you ever consulted (or considered consulting) a professional therapist to help you work on your self-confidence?
I honestly don't know if my relatives would say something bad about me for being gay. I would hope not, but my parents weren't really okay with me being gay when I first came out, so I have trouble trusting anyone now.
Yeah, my immediate family is fine with it now. I've talked to someone but it doesn't really change the anxiety I feel. Even though I know there's nothing wrong with being gay, I'm jealous of straight people and specifically, straight guys who are made out to be more like "real men" than gay men are. I guess I just want to fit in.
Well, I don't believe that a person can truly be content and comfortable with themselves if they don't accept themselves for who they really are. So, I don't believe that a person can (or even should) try to really change themselves to 'fit in' because the price they would pay for 'fitting in' is being untrue to themselves in at least some respects and thus, ultimately, less comfortable with themselves. What I think a person CAN do is recognize things about themselves that they really like and want to work on emphasizing those traits/characteristics/etc at least over other personal traits/characteristics/etc that they don't care for as much. That is basic self-improvement. However, it should be focused on things that make you feel better about yourself and not an attempt to 'fit in' with anyone elses ideals. Just saying...
What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Being out is a scary thought to most of us. However, it can be very liberating knowing you no longer have to hide a big part of yourself, and though you're regretting it at this stage, you will gradually grow accustomed to being out, even to people you wouldn't want to know that you're gay. You will eventually feel more comfortable with people knowing about it, and you will feel proud of yourself for being so brave enough to start the coming out process. Unfortunately people talk, so word will spread like wildfire, so pretty soon, everybody with any connection to you, be it directly or indirectly, will know about it. If you're not in physical danger for being out, and live in a relatively accepting area, it's not so bad, is it?
