I wasted my life. how do you get over and move past the regrets?

I probably haven't saved enough.
My jobs have always been "dead end".
I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age.
Most of my friends are extremely successful in my career.
I've battled depression off and on the last few decades.

....but here's the thing - I'm really damn happy.

I took those "dead end" jobs not because I couldn't get anything else, but because those were the jobs I really wanted to do. I stepped away from two (presumably) more lucrative career paths because I felt this one would nourish my soul more than my body. And although I obviously can't do a compare/contrast - I only know the path I took - I think I made the right move. I wake up happy. I almost never feel like I don't want to go to work. And my friends GET it. They don't wonder why I'm "frittering away my life". They know this is where my happiness comes from, and they think that's great.

I'm assuming that's not the case with you. That your "deadend jobs" haven't been enjoyable, or what you really wanted to do. And because of that, yeah, it seems a rethink is in order.

Not sure if you posted anonymously in that other section. It sounded like it might have come from you, but either way, I'll just revise my post there for this post.

Let's say you wake up at 2pm outside the gates of Disneyland, with an all-day pass in your hand. You have two options. You can spend the rest of the day kicking yourself for sleeping the day away, or you can get your butt through the gates and start having a good time. And I'd greatly recommend that second option.

So you're in your 40s, and unhappy with your life. Well, start making changes. The simple ones can be started today, so let's get going on an easy one.

What makes you happy?

Start a list. On paper, or on your cell phone. Carry it around with you. Any time you think of something that makes you happy, add it to the list. Peanut butter toast. Baroque music. Drawing stick figures. Reading books about dragons. ANYTHING. Keep your mind open, and keep the list going.

Then, as the list is growing, take the next step - allow yourself to like this stuff. If money and circumstances allow, indulge in them more. Have peanut butter toast for dinner more often. Listen to more baroque music. Check out more books on dragons from the library. Don't tiptoe into it. Go full-on with it. Close your eyes and enjoy the hell out of that peanut butter toast. Start tapping your feet in time with that baroque music. Start a new notebook for your stick-figure drawing. Bounce in your seat a bit when you get to the good parts of that dragon book. LOVE THE HELL OUT OF THIS STUFF.

This is a great first step towards doing something really important - befriending yourself. Because you're stuck with you for life, so you better start learning to like/love that guy. So start really loving what you love. It's amazing how much that helps.

Other changes in your life may take a lot more planning. That's fine - start the planning. Looking for a non-dead-end job? Think about what sort of jobs you might enjoy. Office-related? Field-related? What training is necessary? What's the usual job path? Yeah, you're starting on it years (or decades) later than some people, but that doesn't mean the path isn't worth taking.

Lex

 

I like your ideology.

I used to lay awake, wondering where I'm going or what will become of me with worry and dread, but after my transition kicking off and me starting to become, well, me, I started laying awake wondering where I'm going or what I will become, only now I do it with excitement and anticipation.

I don't know where I'm going still and I still don't know what I'll become, but it can be anything and I can't wait to find out when I get there.

Both my past and my future did nothing but upset me and worry me, life itself was a fucking hassle, but now that I've somehow managed to let all that go, no matter how I twist and turn it, life is beautiful

 

Don't get me started... I wish I came out in college... but I realize I was not mentally strong enough then and super in the closet and self hating. We all come out when it is right for us.

 

I once heard that it was it was said that life is the result of attitudes and choices, and that attitudes and choices depend on beliefs and assumptions (some conscious and some subconscious. I think the regret is based back to what you believe. Is what u believe truth?

 

A book called 'The Confidence Gap' by Dr Russ Harris might be helpful to navigate your way through dealing with regrets

 

57 here and full of regrets. Why did I waste my life? Why did I allow my head to be filled with so many bad memories--- just to stand by a vow (to my grandmother)? Why did I remain the honorable, self-less "good son," regardless of how poorly I was being treated? So here I am, today, without my youth, a family to count on, a college education, a lover....and a good retirement fund. What do I do? I guess I make the best of it. My story is long but that's what it always boils down to. Comparing myself to other men is useless. Measuring success by dollars is stupid. Those of us lucky enough to have Love in our lives...are rich!! Resenting and hating those who did me wrong is a waste of life force. Still trying to smile while looking for answers. Peace to everyone.

 

shymeeee, a thought, maybe this is all just a trial run for what is yet to come?

 

for all the good yet to come is what I meant!

 

I didn't save enough; my business went bust; I'm not where I thought I would be when I was younger regarding any part of my life, and most of my friends are doing better than me financially.

However I have learned to not have regrets, and I am enjoying life more than I have ever done. I have never been happier with myself, and it just keeps on getting better. Life is wonderful and I love living it.

I discovered that true happiness comes from within. I'll try to put what I think into words as best as I can.

The most important thing about life, is our experience of it. If we didn't experience life, there would be no point in it. Experience of life is also the only thing we know is real about it, and much of our perception of life is an illusion. Consider that there is no such thing as space or time, but only space-time. Therefore time as we experience it is an illusion. Solid objects consist mostly of space at atomic level, yet we perceive them to be solid. Of course that includes living matter as well. The beautiful colours that we see, is just light reflecting in different ways. We have no way of knowing whether the universe was created so that living beings like us can experience it, but it might as well have been.

While genetics play their part, we are also the sum of our experiences. If you did not have the experiences you have had, you would not be the person you are. So embrace everything that has ever happened to you, and realise it all goes to make you, you.

If you are happy with what has happened to you, you are happy with yourself.

It's virtuously circular thinking, that begins with this realisation. Every cloud has its silver lining, if you look for it.

 

There's a lot of good advice here, yet I feel a need to interject about one.

For me, telling myself things can be worse just invalidates what I'm going through. I recieve it as shaming myself into not talking about it or feeling guilty for not being more thankful, etc.; but kudos to those of you for whom this strategy works.

It sounds like you're depressed and overwhelmed. If you're benchmarking your achievements against someone elses, you'll always find someone who has more, or who has achieved more, but that's them and their journey.

Most people here in the US don't retire in their 40s.

We don't always have the perspective needed to leave a bad situation when we are in it, but such experiences can help us to better read the writing on the wall in the future. Don't shame yourself for not having seen things sooner; some situations are just hard, and you're not defective for having survived it.

Several years ago, I went to the Monroe Institute and attended a wonderful week long workshop that had absolutely nothing to do with being gay, but it got me rereading a couple of Robert Monroe's books and reconsidering the double-edged sword of reincarnation. When I began to consider others may be leveraging skills from other incarnations, it released me from the inferiorities over not having great accomplishments.

Coming out isn't easy, build yourself a support scafolding and be patient for yourself. Some people's greatest contributions were not possilbe until later in their lives.

 

The whole "so many people have it worse" tactic always makes me think of my former mother-in-law. We used to laugh that if you had a mangled arm hanging from a tendon that was gushing blood and went to her for help, her first comment would be "Oh, but will you look at this hangnail of mine? It's just KILLING me!"

I have gone to a counselor for waves of depression and/or confusion maybe 3 or 4 times in my life, all for short sprints of under a half-dozen sessions. What helped me each time was the realization that my problems were not going to go away instantly, but by making very small changes in attitude and expectations, I could learn to feel less helpless and more able to move in a positive direction.

Regret is very real; I knew I was attracted to guys pretty much my whole life and ignored it for assorted reasons until my 50's, and I still wonder what life might have been like if I had reached out to the right guy 30 or 40 years ago. But regret is also a huge waste of time, time that you have less of than you would if you had dealt with what you're feeling earlier. It changes nothing in the past, and it slows down the changes that could move you towards happiness. The sooner you can box it up and put it in the attic of your mind, the happier you will learn to be.