I was assigned male at birth, am ambiguously gendered and want to get pregnant

Hi there.

I was assigned male at birth and have male genitals, but throughout my life I've always been a little genderqueer. Growing up, I was drawn to things that are seen as traditionally for boys and girls, though never did I lean too heavily either way. I never liked sports and didn't like makeup or anything like that. My interests as a kid were very ambiguous, often at times confusing my parents, and I seemed to tread a very grey line between the traditional gender binary.

Fast forward to my teens and I had a bit of a dilemma. When I was 16 or 17, I was fully convinced that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body and that I'd end up transitioning. I had a hard time expressing myself at high school and felt like I was constantly putting on a facade of fake masculinity. When I went home, the mask came off and my bottled up feelings and emotions flooded out, effectively putting my "masculine" and "feminine" sides against each other.

I was convinced that my feminine side was the true me and that the masculine side was some sort of fake me I had put up to feel secure about myself. I felt like two different people. I absolutely hated overthinking every little motion or word that came out of my mouth as I tried not to seem even remotely feminine, though there's only so much you can cover up. At home I learned to let loose and one peculiar desire that I had was to get pregnant. Of course, having male genitals, this is impossible.

I had a deep conversation with myself. I did not dare approach family about how I felt, though I probably should've. It really had a negative effect on me but I managed to work it out. I told myself that I wasn't in fact two people and that I was simply keeping myself apart for the benefit of others, so I sought to rejoin the two parts of myself and over the next few years experienced a bit of internal mending. It was like physical therapy trying to get rid of the strict conditioning I had put on myself but I managed to shake it. It felt so good to be myself in a public space.

I still firmly believe that I would have been better off assigned female at birth, despite it no longer bothering me as much but I don't think of myself as female or anything for that matter. I hate applying the term "man" to myself but at the same time don't think the term non-binary sounds right either, although it's probably the best fit for me. I feel like an amalgamation of a mix of both masculine and feminine characteristics, but not necessarily equally. I find it hard to define my gender and don't really think of myself as really having one at all. I'm just little old me.

One thing that has stuck with me though over the years is the desire to get pregnant. Why, I don't know, but I've always found the thought of growing life inside me, carrying it around and feeling it grow, giving birth and then nurturing it outside the womb as strangely natural and emotional. I'm hit with very strong maternal feelings whenever I think about it, despite lacking the ability to even get pregnant. It's still a very intense subject for me but I'm a lot more composed about it than I was originally. When I first started having these desires, it destroyed me and kept me up at night. Can't explain where these thoughts came from but to this day is still one of my deepest desires.

I'm sorry, this is more of a rant than a question or anything like that, but I just needed to write this out. I've been carrying around all this baggage for so long I just needed to offload it. I'm wondering if there are others in a similar boat who feel the same way. I think it would make more sense if I had transitioned to female but I didn't. I don't feel female or consider myself trans.

I don't know how to identify or if I really want to apply any kind of gender label to myself, nor do I really know what to do about my feelings towards pregnancy.

 

Thanks!

Yeh its a deep longing to create and nurture life I think. I don't know how I feel about adoption though. I'm gay, so the possibility of having my own children is a bit up in the air at this point.

Sorry you had to go through with that, it sounds tough. I sometimes get frustrated by the fact I have no uterus which I guess could be considered a form of dysphoria but it's not as bad as it once was.

I've considered myself genderless or agender too but I'm not sure if that's right either. I feel like I hover over the traditional binary but that I'm not entirely disconnected from it either. I seem to swing a lot. Genderfluid to an extent maybe but honestly I don't feel comfortable with any gender label.

Yeh, definitely. People have assumptions and expectations already laid out for you and it's hard to keep up with that when your mind is telling you that it just isn't you. I found it hard growing up with this expectation, that boys should do this or that. Even in my teens I was told that I was too feminine or called out when I participated in something considered "girly".

I might leave my gender blank for now but I don't know what to tell folk when they ask.

 

Thanks, glad I'm not alone. Hope it doesn't cause you too much distress. I have a friend online who's trans and the subject can be a little discomforting for her due to dysphoric thoughts. Haven't spoken to her for a while about it. I seem to like talking about it because it brings out positive emotions but once my mind reminds me that I don't have a uterus I start to spiral into a bit of a dark place.

Maybe I'm still in a bit of denial when it comes to my gender, I was so close to transitioning before, but I don't think it's the right step for me. Not sure how to place it.