I want to give up. Recently I've been really down but today it hit me hard. I've fallen hard for my best friend and I'm pretty sure he's not gay or bi he's just a dork which makes him so cute. As far as I know he knows I like him but not how much, I would give anything for this guy and yet that's pointless. Today I started thinking about him while we were in class (currently attending a trade school to become a automotive technition) and I just got really depressed and lost all motivation. I've been trying to keep a smile on my face but as soon as my friends went off to there dorm rooms it hit me again, harder. I've been having negative thoughts and been cutting. Right now I just want to cut so deep, I feel so alone and hopeless. I just want to keep cutting until all the pain goes away, I just can't take it. There is no hope for me, I've been depressed since age 10 and I just turned 20 and it hasn't gotten any better. I hate that I've been alone and feel I always will be it would be so much easier to end my life, I can take much more without something positive happening I'm broken and probably can't be mended. I want to be happy but that's just to much to ask....
Depression is a twat, no way to say it any different. I have suffered form it since I was 11 and have self-harmed, and when I was 16 I tried to end it, but thankfully I failed. I have been in many situations where I feel romantically attracted to someone, but either they are with someone else or altogether straight, and each time it felt like someone was stabbing a knife into me. You are never alone mate, ever, there is always someone who cares about you, you may not see it, but there is. It took me 14 years to finally see the light at the end of the never ending tunnel (cliche I know), I was 25 when I finally managed to see that all my depression was doing was not only hurting me, but also all the people around me. As for cutting, I started that when I was about 11 and a half due to sexual abuse, for me it felt like a way of removing the bad within me. The only reason I stopped was due to my attempted suicide when I was 16, of which either the self harm or attempted suicide none of my family know about it, but regardless, when I accepted that I was going to die, waking up from that was like waking up from a dream, nothing felt real, but everything felt clearer (if that makes any sense.) There is always hope for you, for us, for everyone, we just need to find the right time/people. And they are out there (again cliche), you just need to focus more on YOU and less on others, no one else can make you happy, and when you finally realise that, the sooner you will become a happier person, easy said harder to do, yes I know, but happiness is never easy to achieve. The biggest thing that affects my happiness, is the fact that everyone I seem to fall for are all American or Dutch (I am English). Just keep your chin up and know you are not alone, ever! Love form England, Jay. xx
Hey you are not alone (i know cliche but still true). From the moment you are looking for darkness it will blind you but when you look for the light you will find it. That quote always helps me. Crushes pass and life goes on. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are currently receiving a higher education (some would kill for that). Just think of all those people in the world who are were born into starvation and poverty and here you are over the internet. As for crushes go this video helped me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7S9A-pMVWY
10 years is a very long time to be depressed. Is there counseling available to you at your school? I think you might be able to benefit from some extra help if it is available to you. It has helped me a lot over the past 12 years so that's why I suggest that. Also if there are any LGBT+ organizations in your area, I would consider joining them. The people at these places are incredible and will be your strength when you feel you don't have any. Please never cut yourself. You are a worthy person who needs to be here. We all need you here on this website and you also need us, we are a community. Most people who want to die just want their pain to end. With some help you can make life a lot easier to deal with. Please give that younger version of you a chance to grow up to be someone wonderful. Give yourself a chance. I am so happy you decided to reach out and tell us what is going on. If you like you can add me as a friend, message me any time if you are having a rough go, or if you just want to chat about regular things. Everyone on this website is here for you. (*hug*)
