I think this is the truth

I’ve been posting here a lot the past few months, and I thought I’d share how I feel after some reflection. I’ve had sex with 3 guys now, and while I enjoyed it each time, I don’t think it’s because I’m actually gay or bisexual and in denial. At least, not in the sense that people imply when they use those words.

I am attracted to the idea of having sex with men because it’s a bit of perverse, inconsequential fun and is a way of being vulnerable and intimate with another guy, which is something that I think I’ve been craving the past few months While trying to reconnect with an old (gay) friend who I do have a deep love and affection for.

But there’s no deep physical, emotional response that I’m getting with guys that I do with girls.

It’s a way of being intimate - of being vulnerable - without being truly, truly vulnerable. Like I’m having my cake and eating it too.

I’m not like most guys - I don’t like the competitive, hostile way that guys usually relate to each other. I don’t feel up to it. I like the opposite. I like vulnerability and honesty and emotional openness. It’s so freeing to be like that with a guy. To be sincere and open without needing to put my guard up. That’s what sex with guys does for me - my guard disappears completely.

But the real vulnerability - true sexual, emotional, physical vulnerability - comes from being with women. They set my nerves on fire in ways men are incapable of doing. They make me weak at the knees in ways I find myself resisting, because of how out of control it can make me feel. How it creates energy and power in me that I’m scared to let out in case I hurt someone. How when a woman trusts you enough to let that power in is just...astonishing and trusting in a way I can’t comprehend, but adore. How truly consequential it all feels. It terrifies me. I think I’m running from it. Like I’m exhausting all my options before finally accepting what I’m built for in this life. Like I’m in denial about being straight.

I don’t seem to have access to the same thing with men. It just doesn’t happen. The sparks, the energy, the fire, the electricity...I see it in their eyes, in the way they can’t help but smile when we’re close to each other, in the heat from their body...but I don’t share it. I can get hard and aroused just fine, but I don’t think it’s the same thing. I see what they’re going through, and I recognise that it’s what I feel when I’m with a woman.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could experience what they experience. But I can’t. It’s just not there. I just want to be vulnerable around men, to share myself with them and be an outlet for their feelings and desires. It feels good to be that for someone. I think that’s what I want to be for my old friend. But I have to be honest - I don’t share those needs.

It’s like some sort of strange, compassionate voyeurism. It’s truly fucked up. And I do like it a lot. There’s a real freedom to it. But it isn’t the same thing. I have to be honest or I’m going to really hurt someone someday.

So that’s what feels true to me right here, right now. For what it’s worth. Maybe it’ll give some other guys something to relate to, or maybe others can chime in with their 2 cents. Maybe it’ll give someone a chance to tell me, once again, how I’m deeply in denial and need to just keep giving it a go until I fit the box they want me to fit in. Just thought it would be helpful and interesting to share.

And of course, now that I’ve written all that out...the doubts are creeping back in. I doubt everything. My feelings, my experiences...it all gets questioned. I never seem to be standing on stable ground. I have such a volatile internal mindset. What feels real and true in one moment will suddenly feel fake the next. Nothing permeates or sticks. It’s like I have to keep reminding myself of the truth through action. I’m so strange I can barely keep up with myself.