When I was in high school I saw a therapist off and on for about 3 years. My parents pressured me to go to him and he was pretty nice so I was mostly okay with it. I saw him for depression but after I came out to my parents I came out to him too. He didn't believe me. Let me give you some background of where I was at the time. When I came out in high school I came out as bisexual. I didn't really feel bisexual but I didn't want to be gay and I thought it was somehow better to be bi. Looking back I think I just desperately wanted to be straight but I had to acknowledge my "gayness" on some level. It just felt safer to say I was bi and to be honest I was curious about guys even though I wasn't attracted to them. In my effort to be straight I pretended to be attracted to guys. I never talked about the girls I was attracted to. I really didn't have friends who I could talk to about that. Anyway, being attracted to girls was a huge issue for me (and still is.)I was just starting to accept it but was still uncomfortable with it. I came out to my parents way too young. I was 15 and felt pressured into coming out after my mom read my mail. A female friend wrote me a letter saying she liked me. I didn't have feelings for her, not in that way, but my parents confronted me about the letter and told me to stay away from her. (The letter was very innocent by the way, it basically said, "Hey, I like you." If it had been from a guy they wouldn't have cared.) My therapist would not talk to me about my gay issues. I was upset about my parents reaction to my coming out. My mom was hostel about it and my dad would act cold and distant. It was truly upsetting. But my therapist would flat out tell me I wasn't bi. He thought I was making it up. He would say, "no you're not," when I would insist that I was. I guess to be fair I wasn't bi but he treated me like I was straight and was just pretending. I thought he was prejudiced but when I would get mad at him he would tell me he didn't have a problem with gays and that his daughter was a lesbian. His reasoning that I couldn't be gay was that I didn't figure it out until middle school. He told me that if I was really gay/bi I would have known in early childhood. I felt like a fraud for not knowing sooner. He just made me more confused than I already was. I left therapy feeling worse about being gay. Even though I had been out to several friends in high school I was afraid to come out to anyone after that. I was just so afraid of rejection. I wanted to seek out gay support networks but was too embarrassed. I ended up getting married. I thought I could deny this forever but I can't. It was nearly 20 years ago but I can still feel the sting from my parents and therapists rejection. I've been reading about conversion therapy lately and there are a lot of horror stories out there. I realize my experience doesn't quite fit but I wonder if he was using tactics to get me to act straight? I mean, I wonder if he knew I wasn't straight but was trying to manipulate me. Or was he just not very good at his job? Sorry for the long post, this has been bothering me for so many years and this isn't something I can talk to just anyone about. I think I just needed to get it out. I'm seeing a therapist now who is about a 1000 times better and she's helping me with this but I'm still struggling.
Wow. The experience you had was not at all what an appropriate counseling experience should be. If this was a licensed therapist, and he's still in practice (you can check, bbs.ca.gov) it might be worth considering making a formal report to the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, as the manner in which he handled the situation was a very clear ethical violation (not to mention gross incompetence.) Even 20 years ago, putting aside the entire discussion of your orientation, it would *never* be appropriate for a therapist to say "No, you're not" in response to *anything.* That said, I don't think what he was doing was conversion therapy, because the approaches they use for that are much more subtle and insidious... and honestly, more damaging. I think he was just completely incompetent, probably for anything, not just people with LGBT issues.
First of all, I am very sorry you had to go through this horrible experience that has haunted you for many years. I can relate in that I attempted to come out to a "Christian Therapist" at a young age who basically made me get on my knees and pray away the gay. Talk about confusing! I am a firm believer in talk therapy. But just like other Medical Practioners, some are better than others. I am so glad to hear you have found a good one that doesn't discount your feelings. Remember, if you ever have a Therapist you don't like or that makes you uncomfortable, you can FIRE them, as I did. In some cases, reporting them to a state licensure board might be appropriate. If nothing more than for your own self empowerment! Best to you on your journey.
Chip, he actually passed away several years ago. I don't know if I would report him if he was still around. I think I would feel emotional doing that. I never thought my therapy sessions with him were inappropriate, but when I compare him to my new therapist, well...some of the things he said do seem wrong. I'm so disgusted when I read articles about conversion therapy. And then when I read comments that are in favor of it. These people really don't understand. But I think you're right, he probably wasn't doing that. His methods didn't seem to fit anything I read about. Californiacoast, it must have been so difficult coming out to a Christian therapist! I've been reading a lot about the "pray the gay away" method. Let me know when that works... *sigh* The therapist I have now has been really helpful in a lot of ways. I only came out to her last month and it's still hard for me to talk to her about it, but it is helping.
I spent time in rehab when I was 19. You essentially were assigned a psychiatrist who would monitor medication and check in on you every now and then. I had the same experience, he dismissed the feelings I had about my sexuality and from that point on he lost all credibility and respect from me. It is so wrong for a person, especially in that position, to make a judgement on your sexuality and try to tell you who you are. Fortunately most mental health professionals aren't like that and I am sorry you have had to live with that burden.
One thing my life coach always says is "People do the best they can with what they have at the time they are doing it." Try to remember that this was 20 years ago, what people believed was entirely different than what they do now. From a clinical point of view (and I'm not a clinician, I just play one online), is it possible that some of the hurt you feel from your parents' rejection is spilling over onto the therapist? Have you explored the pain and hurt from your parents with a therapist? Just a thought...
I had a similar experience with a therapist only a couple of years ago. I believe he thought that I was freaking out about possibly being gay - and I guess I kind of was - but once he dismissed my fears I was even more freaked out. I guess because I knew deep inside that I was gay and wanted to get the hell out of the damned closet somehow! I eventually found another therapist and she knew what I wanted to hear. I went through the "symptoms" and told her everything EXCEPT that I was gay. She finally told me "You're gay." It was the sweetest thing I'd ever heard and it opened up the floodgates for me. I'm still 99.9% in the closet, but I get very impatient when those who know suggest that perhaps I'm bi or whatever. It's taken me this long to stick my toe out, I'm not giving anything back.
Bear101, you've made some really good points. Times have changes a lot in the past 20 years. When I was in high school Ellen was still in the closet. I remember when she came out my senior year in high school. It was such a big deal. I remember watching her on Oprah and feeling better about myself. At the same time though I wondered if it would negatively affect her career. Ha! I never dreamed she would be so big now. And people talk about her now without caring that she's gay. I think you're right too that my hurt from my parents is spilling over onto the therapist. Why did I care so much about what he thought? I am starting to get over it. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to start but better now than never right? I've talked to my current therapist a little bit about the hurt I felt from my parents...honestly, talking about it here is helping me a lot. The last time I talked to her about my gay issues she had me imagining an out and proud lifestyle. It totally freaked me out and I told her I didn't think I could do it. She said I will be strong enough. I trust her but wow...it scares me. ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2013 at 10:04 AM ---------- Aardvark, it's funny you told her the "symptoms." I did that too. I still haven't used the words gay or lesbian with her. When I came out to her I said I wasn't attracted to men...somehow that was the easiest way to say it.
That therapist seemed to have done a lot of emotional harm to you especially since you were basically a child at the time. I did ex gay therapy but it was voluntary and I was an adult at the time - 22 to be specific. I spent 4 years there and it didn't help me at all. Since accepting myself about a month ago I have felt much happier.
