My (birth) name is Elizabeth. I remember distinctly always hating my name; originally, I would just dig around and try to find a shorter version, or something similar to, my birth name to go by. About a year ago I started looking at masculine names, and I came across Oliver, liked it, and right now that's what I'm going by (online). I know a lot of trans* people remember acting like the opposite sex when they were kids, playing with the "wrong" toys, etc. but I don't really remember anything from my childhood except that I always refused to play a parent when my friends and I played house, and I was always "Tyler." (Son or daughter? No clue.) So I don't have much to go by as far as that goes. Now, however, I'm usually more "neutral" than anything, probably leaning towards masculine. I'll wear a T-shirt, a flannel shirt, jeans, and sneakers - I have at least one of each that's from the men's section at stores (and all the flannel shirts and shoes are). I get more depressed than usual around my period. The only times I ever feel girly are when I'm cosplaying, so in a sense, I only feel girly when I'm not being myself. The thing that made me join this site and start seriously, honestly looking into it, though, was what happened last night - I carved the word "boy" into my chest. Yeah. I hardly even remember doing it. This morning, in first period, I could feel myself on the verge of a panic attack also, and nearly puked upon seeing the "women" and "men" labels on the bathrooms... I also didn't realise who I was looking at for a split second. I dunno, I've been confused for a while. Kinda just looking for some input I guess.
It definitely sounds like you're more comfortable being masculine. It's not something you have to know since you were little, sometimes it's something we realise later. It also sounds like this is causing you a fair amount of distress. I think you've taken a good step in reaching out and coming here.
WilliamRoberts - Yeah. It's opened up a few times since I did it actually, just by me running into someone or my clothing scraping against it too much. laut - One of my friends suggested I look online for forums and whatnot... rather glad I did.
hi, you are 14. Even if we tell you that you are trans for sure, your life will not get better just by that. There will still be the bathrooms and your body. You need to change your attitude. Even if you are trans it will take years to get somewhere where you could change your body. How do you want to spend those years? Cutting, panicking, being dysphoric and hating your life? You need to accept things the way they are and not start to pity yourself. Don't focus on how bad thing are, but on the way how to be a good person. Find the way to do it. Because no matter what gender you feel to be, you will be always you. Bitter or kind, angry or helping others. It's up to you if you decide to cry every morning at the unjustiful bad world or if you accept some things for now. Do it alone, with your friends or with a therapist, but unless you enjoy being miserable, you must embrace your good qualities and not focus on the ones you can't change. Change your wardrobe, tell your friends your new nickname, it may help.
I think I used to have some kind of trans? tendencies as a kid. I was playing with toys for boys mainly, especially cars. When I got a doll buggy I took a hacksaw and rebuilt it into some kind of a skateboard. And dolls were only a target to shoot at. Haha. The most issues I had when maturing into a woman. I hated my boobs growing so I bandaged my chest. I was panicking during my periods. I cut my hairs myself veeery short once because the hairdresser didn't want to give me this kind of haircut, etc. And all I wanted was to play soccer. But I've never felt the urgency to give myself a male name and never had the 'I'm in the wrong body' feeling. It was more like 'I so trucking wanna be a boy instead' feeling. I'm in my mid-thirties now and I identify myself as a female and am okay to be a female. Still I wear more man clothes (I feel more comfortable this way) and people mistaken me for a guy from time to time. Over the years I was told that "I walk like a guy"... but dunno what they meant because I don't think I walk with a swagger. I was told that "I think like a guy"... and dunno what does that mean either. I don't know how male or female should think! ??? I think like ME! My boyfriend asked me "you'd like to have a penis, wouldn't ya?"... and he was right. I think he meant that I'd like to j*rk off but my fantasies have always involved women. The funny thing is I realized I may be gay only a few months ago. P.S. It's rather normal for a woman to get more depressed than usual around period. And moody. Sometimes I get so moody that I even hate myself :eek:
paris - Yeah I know it's normal, but I literally cannot stand to get dressed or go to the bathroom on it because I'm scared to believe it's real.
oliverwho - I don't know what my thoughts were back then but the biggest problem during periods was going to the bathroom to change a sanitary napkin so I often ended up with bloody jeans inside and out. I knew I have to go to change it but I just wasn't able to :eusa_doh:
