I Think I'm Straight... and I fell in love with my same sex straight best friend

I am 18 years of age, female, living as normal as possible of a life I can. I'm one who loves to spend time with my friends, I love to go out and do things and adventure, I love dogs, music, my family, and just being happy. I also love looking at attractive boys and discussing them with friends. I never once in my life thought of myself as a Lesbian. I have a low voice and a way of carrying myself that may seem more on the homosexual side; so I have heard things from other people before. It never really had an affect on me, never really thought of it up until now. I'm not one to like to put a label on things and situations and certainly do not want to assume my sexuality right away because of this one instinct. But I will admit, this one instinct and this one person has had a huge weight on my life and who I am as a person. I've never really had any sort of relationship with boys unlike most of my friends and girls that I know my age; I've conversed with several over social media but just have yet to find one I am head-over-heels for, and I do not see myself as desperate or worried about it either. Boys have never really come to me yet, and that's okay. I've always seen myself as straight, but I can only recall one real crush I think I've had on a boy. It seems to take a lot for me to develop romantic feelings for someone. I have always wanted to vent about this but I could never quite find the right person to spill this all to. It's quite embarrassing, if you'd ask me. So let's just dive into how this all came upon me, shall we?

I am now entering my senior year of high school. Hard to believe. It was around the middle of my 8th grade year that I had just made acquaintances with this girl in my phys ed class. We started talking there, she gained my trust, and pretty soon we were chatting over social media on the daily. She asked me to hangout first, so we did. We became fast friends and close friends too. It was after a couple months of being friends I considered her my best friend. It took awhile and she went through a. Lot of drama and then I learned she considered me hers back. It was an amazing feeling to finally know I had a best friend that considered me theirs back. I was there for her when no one else really was, and we formed a bond that was inseparable, that we still pretty much have today. I'd say about three solid years of being friends and literally hanging out, texting, facetiming her, JUSR seeing her EVERY DAY, is when I was starting to notice I was getting a bit attached. I never really thought of this feeling, considering I would never think to have a relationship with this girl any more than close friends. We were so close, like sisters. She was the one who would tell me that all the time. We'd fight every now and then, but we would just come back being stronger and closer than ever before after we made up. She would say the nicest things to me and make me feel great about myself and vice versa. Everything about our friendship was great, and I even think people envied what we had. We'd always always ask to hang or converse, not even really paying too much attention to our responsibilities. This was happening in our sophomore year and especially towards the end, I was almost forgetting about school because I was with her so much. We would never get tired of each other.

Summer came along, and we had graduated our sophomore year of high school. We were as close as two peas in a pod, and everyone could see it. Her ex best friend (who was still friends and hung out with us at the time) got jealous and noticed, too. Pretty soon, that summer, we had too many fights and she was no longer friends with either of us. We still spent so much time together, but I was getting in trouble more and she seemed to almost get sick of me. She started hanging out with one of our other friends more and more and posting all about her on social media and just seeming to give much more appreciation for her over me. I still to this day do not know f this was in purpose to make me mad or not (her and I fought very frequently that summer; I would get mad and overreact about every action of hers that dissatisfied me - I almost felt like an obsessive girlfriend at times and I felt like that drove her away). She tends to do things on purpose still to this day to aggravate me with something she knows will get under my skin to get my reaction out of it. She likes the attention, and she's done this with multiple boys too.

Summer after sophomore year finally came to an end, and her and I got much much better. We were now juniors. She stopped heavy contact much with one of our friends, and we pretty much just cut off hanging out with her in our little group due to typical high school drama. She assured me that I was her best friend, that the other girl never was "above" me, etc, etc. (if you couldn't already tell, I overthought this stuff that clearly doesn't matter). My bff and I continued to grow close as ever, happy as can be. We had a few classes together. We continued being friends with this one girl who is very drama free and we had been friends with her ever since freshman year. She still is close with us and she is great. It was getting to be towards the end of 2016; so many memories racking up. The guy that my best friend had lowkey been talking to for almost a whole year had finally grown a pair to ask her out. And for some reason, this didn't affect me too negatively. Or, I chose not to show it and did it well, at least. I had myself convinced that I was content, and it was all good. As they were dating, we still continued to see each other more than she and her bf did (this creates a problem later in the relationship).

This is the time where it all hits me. I come to this sudden realization. Damn. I love this girl. So much. Even when she was dating him she was overly nice and she had always seemed to treat me differently than our other girl friends, something about her, something about us. It gave me butterflies. I loved it. I had just thought about the past couple of months and how I had even questioned how she felt about me. I knew there was something going on in my mind and heart about her; and I just could not quite grasp it. But I wasn't about to ignore it . I could not take it any longer... I thought, I had to tell her. She made me happier than anyone ever had, made me feel things that I think I never had experienced before. And it was damn well the most confusing thing because she is a female and I'm a female and I am straight?? I like boys? But I did not care one bit. This didn't bother me because, frankly, she made me so goddamn happy and I guess my instinct was telling me I didn't need to be so down on myself for it. It's as if I knew this was okay, that just maybe there was a good chance she felt the same way for me, too.

It was the very first day of 2017. New Year's Eve. I obviously spent the holiday with her and couple of our other good friends that we had gained friendships with throughout our junior (some sophomore) years. I was itching more and more about this; I knew for a fact that my attraction to her meant something. My heart was screaming at me and telling me I had to do something. I felt as if I had been holding this in for forever. But I also had this huge doubt inside of me. If I told her, this could either make or break our friendship and a huge chunk of my happiness. I was scared to death but I could not wait it out any more. The feeling was unbearable. Unfortunately for me, the only person I was close enough to tell anyone about it was her; I told her everything. I didn't want to tell anyone else. It was way too personal for me and I knew if I told someone they wouldn't look at me the same. I knew I told her everything, so why not just say fuck it and just tell her, I thought.

I told her. It was a day or two after New Years. Don't remember the exact date, I just kno for a fact that it was around there. I typed up this huge genuine text message after telling her I had something to say and freaking out about how she would never look at me the same and be genuinely freaked out, blah blah. But I wouldn't of had told her if I didn't have a spark of hope somewhere. I'm pretty sure I had stated the words that I have a girl crush and that I am in love with her, but I threw in a few bullshit statements to make it less weird. I don't remember much of this, and I don't really like to; but I'm pretty sure her response was something along the lines of "oh" or "oh nice" or "okay". I remember she had screenshotted the paragraph (never understood why) and that the next day at school was probably the most awkward. I thought, well shit. I was genuinely worried I had just totally destroyed me and my best friends bond.. I was a total emotional wreck for a good while there. She didn't really seem tonknkw how to respond. She definitely Put up a good front that she was not interested back; but I had always felt that I could see deeper into that. Always. Even after I told her and she reacted not exactly how I'd hoped. Expected, though? Eh, probably most likely. The first couple of weeks were obviously bad, she started distancing herself

. Her and the guy didn't end up working out, after two months. He had broken up with her over SNAPCHAT TEXT for some stupid ass reasons that made everyone mad; and, wait for it... I was with her in the car, driving around with her in my front seat as usual.