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I think I'm making some progress on internalised homphobia

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lottaotter, Sep 26, 2021.

  1. lottaotter

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    Since I came out to my close friend group, they've sort of known me as the gay who doesn't have any gay friends, doesn't like any stereotypical gay stuff and cringes at the idea of going to a Pride event.

    Over the last year or so I've managed to change that a bit. I started with some stereotypically gay media, like Drag Race. To be honest, I love it. I see a lot of gays bashing stereotypical stuff and 'straight-passing' gays saying that they have a tougher time than more feminine guys and - although I was never that vocal about it - I admit I definitely used to hold some of those opinions too. I even watched Brokeback Mountain! It's crazy to think I'm the same person, actually. The same person who could watch a [hetero] couple on-screen and feel nothing can now feel the whole range of emotions the director and actors intended when watching a film about homosexual relationships :slight_smile:

    Moving away has helped. So has coming out to my parents (by letter, and they were fine btw, and so was I after a brief period of self-loathing that I think is quite common). Also hanging around with more female friends (my friend group at home is 100% straight men).

    At times my newfound pride has bordered on heterophobia (is that a word?)- feeling a bit annoyed seeing yet another film about a straight couple, or seeing straight couples openly PDA-ing without getting stared at etc. But I've kept it under wraps mostly, aside from a few jokes to my bi housemates.

    One of my mates texted me yesterday complaining that the nearest city to our hometown is holding a Pride event even though he " thought all that pride shit was done with months ago". I didn't reply. A few months ago I would have pretended to side with him. Before that I would have sided with him.

    I still don't think I'm ready to go to a Pride event of any kind (dancing and loud music literally make me shudder) but I'm getting there. Not sure why I made this post but I wanted to try to balance out the more desperate posts I've made- the last few months [years] have been pretty rough, but at the moment I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

    I'm not an expert but if anyone else is struggling with internalised homphobia (or has been told they are and doesn't know what that means) then I recommend exposing yourself to gay media. Start small! Give yourself permission to enjoy it, too.
     
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  2. Lemony

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    I have some things where for me I question if being bi is a thing and Im just strange. Even though I am def bisexual and it is a valid orientation. I guess for me it’s hard when you’re kinda in the middle of straight community and lgbt. Like sometimes I just wish I was gay or straight.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I do not understand this. In my mind people are either Straight or LGBT+ (Gender & Sexuality Minority or other way of saying it). LGBT = Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans thus it is inherent in the designation that if one is Bisexual then one is part of LGBT. I know there is a lot of hate for bisexuals and a lot of erasure. In fact, in my opinion if everyone who had attraction for both would just admit it both to themselves and everyone else I think that it would be found out that monosexuals are actually the minority.
     
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  4. mobius5

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    I struggle with this as well. Like even though deep down part of me is super excited about the idea of being in a gay relationship; the other part is terrified of it. I want to watch Brokeback Mountain; if nothing else because it's supposedly a really good movie. But I'm afraid to, like I can't bring myself to watch it and I don't know why. I've always had no problem around gay jokes or anything really referencing anything gay, yet part of me is angry about it or wants to avoid that stuff at all costs... Maybe it just boils down to my upbringing? Having negative reactions to when showing something like this to a family member that was not tolerant at all.
     
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  5. lottaotter

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    It's a very good film! Very very sad though.

    I think it comes down to upbringing too. I don't remember my parents ever saying more obviously homophobic things, but the array of little actions and comments (things they avoided rather than vocally denounced) added up. Teachers ar school weren't much better, and of course as kids we'd all learned from parents to single out anyone who was different.

    Of course, people's opinions can change, and so has public opinion (in some countries).
     
  6. I'm gay

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    I'm glad to see you're making progress, @lottaotter.

    If you're a reader, I would suggest getting into reading gay-themed fiction. I never understood what my wife liked about romance novels until I started reading gay romance novels. There's romance, crime fiction, medial drama, etc. Just about every type of book is available in gay literature.
     
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  7. lottaotter

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    Maybe I will try some- I also don't get what people enjoy about fiction (of any kind haha) so maybe I'd vibe with something gay
     
  8. ales33456

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    If you ever think you struggled with internalised homophobia I sorta doubt you ever were truly homophobic, life situations just made to believe you were. Just because you didn't wear a specific color doesn't make you are homophobic, just because you didn't join parades or events doesn't mean you didn't really want people to just be happy who they were. Colors mate not, orientation matters not, personality is what matters. Outside of that congrats on your steps man, good on you man, I'm happy for you.:slight_smile:

    I just wish people wouldn't' think just because people don't do everything to support a specific group is somehow shown as homophobic, people have their favorite color. I do logos, I can make pink logos no problems, doesn't mean I wanna wear pink now to proof a point thats I'm not homophobic, its not my problem I like black green and blue yo hahaha. The way you aren't homophobic is by simply accepting people, not be a bully to them, its their life anyways, understand they have all the rights as much as any other good decent human being. You don't need to show moves, rather focus on your moves in your own life for your own self, but action to support a group I understand but do it because you, not to prove a point in battling this thing you never even had.

    I was at a pride event in June, I never had any gay friend, but there I meet lots of good kind people, and you know, some of them told me I was nice, but you know I also felt I had times i felt i was homophobic but how? I didn't hurt a single gay person in my life, and in middle school I was the only person that was kind to a gay person, that reach out to me years on to thank me, that i was the only one that was kind to him and didn't bully him, he also wanted to hit on me since he liked me, I was flattered but I have a girlfriend, could easy go for a beer no problem still, he doesn't seem like a bad dude.

    Sometimes we think we are bad, but are we really? Be easy on yourself. Many point fingers at us somehow, but deep down you probably were never really homophobic to begin with, you just weren't active on their rights and that is not to be forced upon you to proof you are not homophobic, thats like me saying I am a nice person, but that doesn't mean that I am a good person, good people don't say they are good, just like a king doesn't need to say he is a king to show his people he is a king.

    In either way, good on you man, and keep it up but I still go by the believe that you were never homophobic to begin with and situations and people just made you believe you were.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    @ales33456,

    I like what you have to say about your support of gay pride, and your kindness towards gay people in general. However, I think you are mis-understanding what @lottaotter is saying about internalized homophobia. This isn't the kind of homophobia about accepting other people - it's internal to the person, so it's about accepting yourself. The first, and hardest part of coming out is coming out to one's self, accepting the reality of being LGBTQ+, and eventually feeling good about being LGBTQ+, what we call Pride. Unfortunately, for so many of us, our society, our families, churches, schools, and social groups shamed us for being LGBTQ+, calling us unnatural, and forcing us to live in a closet of repression, denial, anxiety, fear, and depression. For each person coming out, that unique mix of challenges brings different outcomes. The many years of anti-LGBTQ+ messaging they received can be difficult to unravel and change. We internalize this harmful messaging during our years in the closet, and even upon coming out there remains lingering bits of shame and internalized homophobia.
     
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  10. mobius5

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    hope I'm not hijacking or anything, again this relates to the topic;
    Even after all I've been through recently [developed a 'crush' on a guy suddenly and realized/admitted I am attracted to men, though rarely], I tried to watch the movie Broke Back Mountain yet I cannot bring myself to do it. I just searched it on youtube and scrolling through the clips I suddenly got overwhelmed with a strange sense of dread and discomfort... like I was grossed out. And I don't understand why. I even watched the movie "the Birdcage" years ago and always thought that was funny, even before I knew I was bi. So I don't understand why this is happening to me...
     
  11. ales33456

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    I am not familiar with that movie but go easy on yourself, many times people swap admiration with attraction, its not the same thing. If you ever struggle with lack of masculine role-model since childhood or lack of masculinity in your own self you may grow envy also without sometimes actually noticing it, try recognize the two and again go easy on yourself.

    You may feel discomfort because you feel in denial but how wouldn't you we live in society that accept straight as the most normal and all else is a struggle to accept. I still think you need to work on your own self-esteem and once you do it, once you are at your peck of your own appreciation you will know exactly what you are. You can DM me if you want. Have a great rest of the week, man.