I have been thinking about this for a long, long time and it is honestly still weird for me. I always thought i was trans, i binded and i still do, was planning on taking hormones in the future, came out to my family and friends as such, and i have made several posts on here about trans things. it has been around two and a half years since i came out, and its like a switch flipped. for about three months or so, i have been thinking i might not be transgender. and i do feel that now i am not anymore. maybe some variation of non-binary, but i was always so adamant for two years that i was transgender and now i feel that part of me is lost. it is weird for me to say and think about. but i think i mixed up not liking being feminine with not liking being female. and mixing up dysphoria with general dislike of feminine words and my body. i have never been a feminine person, and hated it all my life, and i think i honestly got it mixed up. another big factor i always considered was my hatred of my birthname, which still stands, but again i think i hate it cause it is feminine, not because it is a female name. now, unfortunately, i am just as confused as me questioning this 4 or 5 years ago. and it feels so weird to be back at square one again. i know its sort of a taboo topic to talk about, but i feel it is somewhat important to bring up. i am in no way saying it is a phase for anyone else... but sadly i think it mightve been for me. its like the person who i felt i was, disappeared. it is so weird to try and explain. i feel in the dark now. i went through a lot to get some specific people to understand and accept me and now i do not want to undo that, but, i dont think its making me happy anymore, and ever since i have been thinking about this i have seen improvements in my moods. anyone else have experience with this "switch"? i feel kind of guilty for undoing my whole path towords accepting myself and making others accept me. and now i feel i am on a totally new one. its weird, and feels so foreign to me. i thought i was sure. 100 percent sure. and like i said, its like a flip switched. i now have so much to think about and consider.
Wow, I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel this way. This is one of my biggest fears (trans-fears, my actual biggest fears are ghosts and stuff). This is a sensitive topic, so don't take any of this the wrong way. I'll try to be careful but I might make some mistakes in this reply. Have you been doubting that you are trans for as long as you doubted you were cis? I don't want to deny your feelings but this seems to be a fairly new thing so you may want to sit with it for awhile before you tell everyone. Try talking about it with some close friends, or a therapist if you can, to see if it brings relief. If you have a few friends call you "she/her" and it feels as good as being recognized as male used to, then you'll know it's right. Detransition is a lot more common than most transpeople would like to admit. It's fairly common in people that faced trauma or generally didn't feel accepted. (Not saying that's you, I did a lot of research into this early in my discovery of being trans and find it really interesting to talk about). If you haven't started medically transitioning, now is a good time to realize that that may not be what you want. If you are on hormones, talk to your doctor about stopping if that's what you want. I'd really recommend trying therapy. It could be good to dive into this with a professional to see why you're feeling this way. Try to find a gender therapist as they'll know more about how to help but if you can't just try to find one that's LGBT friendly. You're in a hard place right now and if you go to an anti-trans therapist it would probably make things worse. Try to imagine your future, in that future what do you look like? What do you sound like? What do people call you? This is how I accepted that I'm trans. In my future, I'm flat-chested, muscular, with a deep voice, and people call me "Ben". If you can't imagine a future as male, you're probably right about how you're feeling. If you're not trans, that's okay. It's actually kind of a good thing, because you don't have to worry about transition. If you are, that's great too. I can't even imagine what it must be like right now. But if you had the courage to come out once, you can do it again. It'll all work out in the end. Best of luck. Sorry if I said anything wrong, Ben
it was one of my biggest fears too, hearing all the "i told you so"'s "so you were lying?"'s and "so it was just a phase"'s. i was afraid of it, and i felt a lot of pressure to conform. but i need to do what makes me happy, yknow? i have not been doubting that i was trans for even a fraction of how long i have doubted i was cis, and i still dont believe i am cis, but one thing that makes me feel this way (the way i said in the post) is that i am ok with being female(or, having female stuff? if that makes sense haha). i used to not be, it used to make me feel horrible, but i feel like i can be comfortable enough without going through transition or hormones. i know not all trans people have to transition, but there should be at least some want there. i did talk to my mother and she said she understood, and thought i would say something like that. something i find weird is that i dont mind being called she or he. and i dont have too much of a preference. when i imagine my future, or what i look like in my future, it doesnt go totally either way. i already like to keep a androgynous look, and i dont see myself as looking all to masculine or all to feminine. i do see myself with some masculine traits, but also some feminine ones. for a long time i wanted to go to therapy, but i have always put it off. honestly i dont think it will benefit me much, but its definitely a option i will still consider if i do keep feeling this sort of confused way. i feel like i would be much better talking it out with someone i already know and trust than a stranger. i didnt tell anyone about this outside my close friends and my mother and it made me feel really good, but the word got out a little. i really didnt want it to, but thats happened a few times with this kind of stuff. when i told them, it made me happy. it felt like some sort of weight had been lifted. since i was trying to conform too much to what my family and other people think trans men/people are. i felt like i could be myself much better when i told my mother. its weird. it felt alike to when i told her i was trans. thank you very much for your long and detailed reply, i dont think you made any mistakes and i really appreciate it. and wish you the best of luck as well.
i wouldnt call it brave (but thank you). i just feel like more people need to talk about de-transitioning. (even though i havent transitioned yet) and not feel ashamed or feel like they are going to be judged or ridiculed. and i second that, a lot of things change in 5 years.
I wouldn't say that being transgender is about wanting to be a different gender, but if saying you're a guy made you feel like you have to stretch to fit the mold, and it was not a statement of a fact, then likely you're not a guy.
I wouldn't look at it as you being wrong. It really sounds to me like your identity evolved. That is something that is normal. I know that for a long time I felt that I needed to be super masculine because I had transitioned. As time went on, I realized that I was still not being true to myself. I still felt like something was off. So, slowly I started to let my more feminine side come out. I realized that this made me feel a lot more comfortable. I now identify as masculine of center, so kind of the inbetween of Male and female. To most everybody else though, I just appear to be the "flamboyant gay guy". It is normal for your understanding of yourself to change over time. The fun part if figuring out what you need or what you want to do so that you can continue to be comfortable.
