CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of self harm. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-= I have been sober from self harm for awhile but last night I had a relapse. I wish I could say what brought it on but the thing is I honestly don't know. I think it was spurred on by a lot of anxieties and fears of being outed or people in my life finding out I'm transgender. I have a lot of friends who don't know and I wouldn't be comfortable telling them for various reasons. That as well I'm on a swim team and I wear a binder under a t-shirt to swim. The thought of my friends turning against me scared the crap out of me. And another part of it came from the fact I feel like I was partially roped into joining the swim team when I initially stated that I wasn't comfortable doing so for the fact that I have to bind and it would make my dysphoria worse. Now I feel stuck...I will feel like a looser if I say I don't want to be apart of the team anymore. Yet I know they're supportive (they being my SCL workers for context) and they'll say I'm ok when mentally I'm a bloody train wreck. This and there is a trans sports law in effect. I don't know how it affects transgender men...but it made me scared nonetheless. I like swimming...it is fun...but the anxiety and the mental gymnastics make it hell for me. This is what caused me to relapse and the fact that I feel like I'm often on an island all alone...especially since my mother died and I feel like I don't have many with whom I can talk about these things with without being "cisplained." And yes I already see a therapist but it doesn't mean that I have a chance to talk to him until our next meeting. Maybe I'm just doing too much too fast, especially when I'm trying to focus on moving the hell out of this hellhole state I once called home. That's all I have for now.
If you don't wish to be part of something you're not comfortable with anymore, then it won't make you a looser. You're just looking out for your own well being. And anxiety is the worst. I am on medication and that helps with controlling anxiety and also breathing excises and meditation. You can always swim by yourself and don't need to be part of a team, if you don't want to and it causes you anxiety. And, if you ever need to talk, then my PM's are open. Hugs.
