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I really hope I am at the right place, my 11 year daughter came out to her Mom tonight.

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by PutterB, Jul 16, 2019.

  1. PutterB

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    We have been a blended family for 4 years now. Although we are not married, I consider my gf's daughter my "daughter" (we have a blended family, I have an 11 year old son and 7 year old daughter and gf has a 11 year old daughter) and she has been treated as such for years. Tonight, coming home from guitar lessons, she said "Mom, I need to talk to you...I AM GAY!" My gf just about got into a car accident. We had our suspicions on this, but never really gave it much thought. This girl is bright, talented and a bit of a character (total tomboy, except for sports). My gf came home tonight, after they had a long talk and filled me in. Now. I am a conservative, but I am very pro-gay rights. My Godfather is gay, I have friends who are trans, I have friends who are lesbians, I have friends who are gay. It never bothered me, my thoughts were always be happy. Even tonight, I think my GF was freaked out at how calm I was about all of this. Instead of absorbing what the situation is, I guess I felt more scared for my 11 year old daughter. Who as soon as she could, came home and went right to her room after coming out to her Mom, freaked out about her future.

    I am absolutely terrible with spoken words, so I thought I would write her a letter. Is this too over the top? I want her to know that we love her, that we support her. I guess I am just kind of lost here. I want her to feel safe and supported. HELP!



    Dear Penelope,

    Your Mom just filled me in on your conversation tonight and I just wanted to give you a letter. I am very proud of you for having the strength, the courage and the drive to reach out to your Mom and let her know how you feel. When I was your age, I was a reader, I read constantly. It was rare I didn't have a book in my hand. It started out with horror novels and stuff like that, then gradually moved to poetry and plays/sonnets. One of my favorite plays is one by William Shakespear, “Hamlet”. There is a quote in that play that I find very fitting for this situation. It IS Olde English, but I think you will get the jest of it.



    ““This above all to thine own self be true
    And it must follow, as the night the day
    Thou canst not then be false to any man

    Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”



    I bolded the part that I felt is the most important in this situation. This quote, which means, be true to yourself and you will have nothing left to fear. Be who you want to be, do what you feel is right for you, don't let others sway you or make you who they want you to be. But above all else, “To thine own self be true”.



    This path will not be easy for you, Penelope. You know how kids can be, but you have a family that loves and supports you. And I will be behind you, 100% on this. I will be your shoulder to cry on when you get scared, I will be your advocate when kids at school may be mean, I will be your guide when you feel lost and your protector when you feel weak. That is my job, that is what I am here for because I love you. And anyone who knows me will attest, that if I love someone, I will sacrifice everything for them.



    Don't ever feel afraid to tell your Mom or I anything. Any of your fears, any of your problem's, do not live in silence. We are here for you. If you ever need either one of us, we will be there without hesitation. We love you. If you feel scared and just need a hug, we are here for you. If you want to talk about your feelings, we will listen. Just be patient with us too. This is new to all of us. But together, if we stand united, we can get through anything.



    If and it's a big “if” (not really, I am not sure if I should capitlize “If” again to make a point) you ever are worried about life, if you are ever scared, if you are ever unsure of who you are, I want you to look back on this letter and know that you have an audience. That you have people that care about you. That you have a family that loves you no matter what. The scariest feeling in the world is to go through a hard spot in life and think that you are alone. I have been there, that is when things can get dark. Keep that darkness out. Let the sunshine in. Today is a new day. It's a day for you being who you were meant to be. Like I said earlier, “To thine own self be true”. If you ever feel alone, please go back and read this letter. My heart is yours. Much like it is with your brother and sister (we can talk about telling them later, no rush sweetheart, we have our entire lives).



    So with that in mind, if there is anything I can do. Let me know. You know the stories, I always tell people I have 3 kids. Most of the time they get confused and think that you and your brother are twins. You might not be biologically mine, but I love you as if you were.

    You got this kiddo,

    Love always,

    Dad (or Billy whichever you prefer)
     
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  2. DirectionNorth

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    While it's hard for me to say just because I don't know how she will feel- that is beautiful and heartwarming. I'm sure she'll appreciate it. And, at least from my standpoint, it's definitely not over-the-top at all, it's very caring and supportive and beautiful.

    If you don't mind me asking, do you know how exactly her mother reacted? I don't mean details or to pry, I just mean was it positive, or at least on a positive/supportive side?
     
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  3. PutterB

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    She was in the backseat, she blurted it out and her Mom almost got into a car accident. Which I am sure will be a much funnier story down the road of life..
     
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  4. DirectionNorth

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    And feeling that way is completely normal. It meant alot to me that after I came out, my mom(on her own; I didn't ask her to do this) started reading and learning as much as she could about LGBT+, because she started realising how little she knew, even though she works with lgbt people and has lgbt acquaintances, there was alot she wasn't versed in and didn't understand. And it meant alot she started researching it(from legitimate sources like PFLAG or if you have an LGBT centre- be careful, there's alot of misinformation out there and, as you know, alot of people putting out propaganda and unfounded facts that aren't always blatantly homophobic and sometimes disguised as help, etc.)
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    From where I am sitting the letter is warm, sensitive and heartfelt and I would be happy to receive it. I think your approach is spot on and with two good parents by her side, she will be fine.
     
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  6. DecentOne

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    Wow, what a nice letter.
    Welcome to Empty Closets.
     
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  7. PutterB

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    Thank you all for your support and advice. As I said in the letter to my daughter, this is kinda new to all of us. I just want her to know that she is loved and that we support her.
     
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  8. johndeere3020

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    PutterB,
    Made me tear up, I think you did just fine. There is a PFLAG chapter in the Twin Cities. There is also a place called Out Front Minnesota. I would encourage you and your girl friend to check out both.
    Thank you for being so loving and caring.
     
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  9. Bouldghirl

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    I think it’s a lovely letter and that you are a great Dad. Your kids are very lucky indeed. I suspect that Penelope will cherish the letter.
     
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  10. JustASilly

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    I was moved by your letter too. It’s kind, supportive, loving, and well written. I can’t think of anything to change, because it really is beautiful. I’m very thankful there are parents out there like you, as it can be very hard for people like your daughter to come out due to fear of rejection from family.