I've just forced myself to go back on a dating app as Corona restrictions are lifting in my country, but I just never find dating enjoyable at all. I saw a guy yesterday and we're having a second date next week, and I have another date tomorrow, but the last week I've been feeling confused very stressed. This guy texts a LOT and replies quickly (almost instantly) to me, whereas I hate, hate, HATE texting and find it so awkward and horrible. It's boring and I don't know what to say, or else I get desperate to think of a reply so as not to disappoint him and come out with something cringe, stupid, offensive or boring. I'd prefer to get to know someone in person- when a guy is texting non-stop I just feel so much less attracted to him. I also suck at flirting over text. Maybe this sounds dramatic, but when I have a message waiting for a reply I get so stressed! I can't concentrate on my university work, or cooking, or an art project or give my housmates my full attention when we're hanging out. As some one who used to be painfully shy and socially-awkward but worked through it, it's frustrating to find in-person stuff waaaay easier than texting. How can I deal with this kind of situation? And how can I bet better at flirting over text?
I don't like it all that much. It's for quick things and when you're tied up or doing something else and need a quick update. Texting has put up barriers between people. Maybe you are the normal one and people who are practically addicted to it are not. I can only handle it up to a point. If you don't want to flirt over text, then you shouldn't have to. Do you want to hang on to this person? If you feel you have a solid base to work from - this person is also into you - then you need to tell him how you feel about this. You have a right to be heard. Wait for more suggestions to come in but that's just my suggestion.
I agree with @Tightrope above, to consider whether you want to continue with this person and if so, to speak to them about this discomfort this causes you. In the meantime, you don’t need to reply them instantly just because they reply to you quickly. The world won’t end if they have to wait an hour or five. If they don’t like waiting for a reply, then perhaps you should consider whether you are really compatible. Also, could you mute them or turn your phone off when you’re busy with work or with friends? I find emails distracting so I sometimes keep my inbox closed or put my out-of-office on when I need to focus on something particular at work.
I completely agree here. Also sometimes texting just is boring. Sometimes less is more, you know? Texts tend to be really short... or really long, but you don't have to say much unless that's required? In that case, does he like long text conversations? I can see why you would not want to experience that. Text conversations I don't really like either. I feel like you shouldn't have to flirt over texting. I could be wrong here but like. Complimenting someone over text is like the laziest way to compliment someone... but I think it depends on circumstance. I agree with you. In-person just makes so much more sense.
Thank you. To be honest I'm starting to be less attracted to him as time goes on, because of the texting. Seems like it's a deal-breaker for me.
That's a good idea. I used to love leaving my phone at home if I go out with friends, and it's added a lot of stress not being able to do that recently. In fairness to this guy he's never sent me follow-up texts when I haven't responded for an hour or two, but the thought that he might be upset by it makes me feel guilty. I'm seeing him for a second date soon but having honest conversations about what I need is something I struggle with. I think it'll probably get to the stage where I just blurt it out from frustration haha.
Yeah I find it really hard to flirt in person when I've already used up all my 'inspiration' over text. He usually just sends short messages but the 'conversation' just goes on all day back and forth, with no end in sight (dramatic, but that's how it feels to me). It's just boring stuff like 'how are you?', 'what did you have for lunch?', and of course 'good morning' when I wake up. Ugh I agree I need to be honest about it. I hate the idea of hurting someone's feelings, and it's one of the main reasons that I haven't enjoyed dating in the past- hate having to tell someone I don't want to see them again even though the seem to be really into me.
If you are going on a second date I would just be honest with him about it. When people start dating and everything is new it's normal for lots of texts to go back and forth, but it doesn't carry on like that (in my experience). If a relationship is to get off the ground and develop, these are the things we need to talk about.
Thanks everyone. I've been ingoring my phone for longer today and this guy has slowed down a little with the texts. I'll try to mention it next time I see him. I know I'm overthinking it- worrying too much about hurting the feelings of someone who I barely know. To be honest I've dated a few guys who mention straight out of the gate that other people they've met on apps are mean or cut-throat about dating, and whether it's intentional or not, it feels like a guilt-trip.
Chances are that at least for some, they are guilt-tripping you. Some do it on purpose as on the one hand they want to be vulnerable, though yet they don't. Try not to worry about hurting his feelings in that you can use language and a tone that comes from an understanding place but also makes it clear you are not someone who is texting 24/7 or using texts for long stories or chats. It's definitely alright to be honest and set your boundaries. If you don't set your boundaries from the beginning it is going to be a lot harder to set them later on.
I know what you mean. There's a time and a place for these questions... do you feel like this person is actually listening to you? Again I dislike long text conversations because they are kind of lazy.
