I plan on coming out to my wife to tonight, but I keep saying its the wrong time?

It's a hell of a choice, ain't it? Continue living a lie to avoid hurting the ones we love, while knowing our secret urges will never go away OR blow up our lives in hopes of finding the inner peace that can never be found in the closet. The comfort, ease and privilege of a heterosexual life are hard to give up. Our spouses and kids don't deserve to have their worlds turned upside down.

I came out to my wife 2 weeks ago and I can't yet say if it was the right choice. I do know if I hadn't told her when I did, I'd be obsessing about doing it every day. I'd continue to grow more depressed, detached and unfulfilled. And my wife would be stuck in her impossible struggle to figure out what's wrong with me.

Taking the easy road is what kept me stuck in the closet for so long. The road I'm on now is hard, lonely and tragic in many ways. But it's the road of truth...and I have to believe it leads somewhere good. I'll keep you posted.

 

I feel for you; but I think you already know the answers to your own questions. Your wife is grieving the loss of her father. From what you wrote, it sounds like his passing was expected, but obviously taking a toll on her and I would imagine the rest of the family, including your children.

If I were in your shoes I would select a good family counselor, who has a background which includes GLBT issues, and take a holistic approach. Try and meet with the counselor individually and express your concerns for your family AND what you are going through in terms of coming out. I think getting professional guidance on how to proceed, in what could be your wife's saddest time, is very appropriate. Moreover, depending on their ages, your children are probably hurting too.

If you wait to come out to your wife and your family after she's grieved and you've helped her back to her feet, you are likely going to help her in the long run. More importantly, the odds of keeping peace within your family and maintaining positive communications with your wife--and your children--will likely be much better.

Someone in their response wrote: take a deep breath. I agree. You wrote that you are "impulsive". I am too but I have learned to take that deep breath, take a step back and try to see the world though someone else's eyes. In this case, your wife's, and try to see how she would feel with your news now ... and then in the future, after time has healed the wounds of losin her father and perhaps professional counseling has introduced your coming out in a safe, third party environment.

 

Having been in the same situation. Please do it sooner then later. It's not selfish of you to tell her, it will be selfish and more hurtful however, if you delay it any longer. The truth may hurt but living a lie destroys everyone.

 

I'm sorry I can't add any words of wisdom or advice. I admire your desire to feel things from her point of view. Don't forget your own

Sometimes doing the right thing can be painful.

Good luck