Hi I would like to start by saying that my current place in life is difficult to say the least. I am 22 and have a son, he is from when I was still believing my own lies and too scared to admit to myself that I was gay. I've always known but was always scared I grew up and live in what the government would say is low class. everyone I always knew was against gays and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me so I tried to keep the part of me I love the most locked away deep in my head where I convinced myself it wasn't real just some confused fantasy I had because I just wasn't very man like. I am having trouble accepting myself. I was no longer with his mother but since trying to tell her I was gay got scared and reverted back to hiding. she lives with me right now but I no longer want her to be here. I want to be me and not worry what everyone else thinks but everything in my life would be destroy utterly. my job would be lost my family would be gone my parents are not gay friendly my sons life turned upside down his mother would hate me forever for not choosing her. I cry whenever I am alone because I'm scared and don't know how to change things so I can be happy and not afraid any more. I had one boy do stuff with my when I was 9 but then he suddenly stopped and acted like it never happened and that I meant nothing it hurt so bad and confused me so much. I don't know what to do or say to anyone. I have no one to talk to about it my one friend that knows I'm pretty sure he thinks its just some stupid sex thing I want but I don't care about sex I just want a man to like me and hold me and make me feel special. I don't think that's bad is it? I know I sound stupid and but this is very real for me and I need help. :bang:
Hi, Daniel, and welcome to EC. First, you aren't alone. There are many, many people here at EC who have been in your position, and countless more who read the site but don't actually post. I'd also say that I think nearly everyone who is in your position assumes exactly what you assume... that they'll lose everything, no one will love them, and everything will fall to pieces if they come out. The reality, however, is that this is rarely the case. One of the first suggestions I can make is to get a copy of Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". The book has little to do with finding love but everything to do with learning to love and accept yourself. And there is a lot of material in there that helps to address the issues that hetero-married gay men face. One of the most important take-aways is that, based on Dr. Kort's 25 years of experience as a therapist, in nearly every case, when a husband does finally come out to his wife, after the dust settles, the wife realizes that at some level, she already knew. Maybe not consciously, but from signs and indications, she should have known, often before the wedding, but chose to ignore the signs. So this takes a lot of the pressure off of you. I'd wager, from what you've said, that this is probably the case with your wife. I wouldn't suggest telling her this but I think when you do eventually tell her, if you keep that awareness in the back of your head, it will make it easier... because she contributed to the problem and it isn't solely on you. Now as for your family... I think you will probably be surprised. Even among the most conservative, deeply religious families, it is a rarity for the family to disown a gay child. They may get angry, say nasty things, and there may be a period of difficulty, but in nearly every case, probably better than 90%, the family eventually comes around and eventually loves their gay child as much or more than they did before. This applies equally to families where family members have hurled gay insults or made negative comments... once they realize it is their own flesh and blood, their attitude nearly always changes. And children aren't born with any biases, so your child, being young, will grow up knowing you for who you are, and if you and your wife raise him to be a loving, respectful child... hel'll love and respect you just as much whether you're gay or straight. Again, the data in the psych literature and the experiences of people here at EC bear that out. So the first part is learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. Posting here at EC and talking about it is an important first step, and you've already accomplished that. So keep up the conversation, keep talking about what you're feeling, and continue reading the forums. It may seem insurmountable now, but I promise you that if you stick around here and keep posting, reading, and participating... you'll be feeling much, much better very soon. This isn't something you need to co
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets. It isn't bad at all wanting another guy holding you, and you wanting to live your life. And it does not sound stupid at all. What you are going through, others are going through it as well. You are having real fears about what your future will hold. As hard as it might seem at the moment, you have already started to work on living your life the way it is meant to be lived. Recognizing that you have feelings for guys, and that needing to be open about yourself are already important steps. Joining EC, and starting to talk about it all, is a another step. (*hug*) If possible at all, a good place to start would be to enlist the help of a counselor with whom you can talk to, and receive some feedback on different approaches on dealing with the situation you are facing. coming out to your family, and others around you. Another thing you could look into is finding support groups for gay men, and start building your support network before you start coming out to your family and others. I would also encourage you, and given that you fear you could lose your job, thinking about different employment opportunities. and keeping your options open. Now, if it happens at all, that is of course another question. Take it one day at a time, and try to build a support network, one which you can rely on first. It is possible that things won't be as bad as you fear they will be. (*hug*)
I am sorry I should have stated that we are not nor have been married. Also she somewhat knows I like men but thinks I'm bi but I see no real attraction towards woman sexually. I just feel so empty inside every time I push myself away feel like I am sinking in water and I can't get away.
It sounds like you've made some mistakes, some you can't reverse. You're still young and you have a long life ahead. I know it's difficult because you're in an overwhelming mess, but you have to start fixing these slowly to get the desired result. Figured out what you want and start recognizing the steps you need to take to get there.
Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful even though I am still unsure of where to start.
Hi Daniel. I know how you feel, believe me. A week ago, I came out to my wife and am now watching the consequences of my decision. I'm no longer living in my home with my kids and am uncertain what the future holds. It's a heavy price to pay, but it's better than the the alternative of living a lie, which was slowly killing me with each passing day. I'm twice your age and consider you lucky that you're realizing what you need to do while you're still young. I know you feel anything but lucky right now, but your have a chance to start living the life you dream of. Let that be your inspiration when things get tough. Remember, you're not alone in this and there are lots of us wishing you the best.
I'm in the same place. Married have two children who I love dearly, but it's not the romantic love that is true. I told people that I've married my best friend and she is a wonderful person and enjoy spending time with but I feel like now I'm just playing house. I love my children more than anything else in the world and I'm afraid that if I come out my world will come crushing down around me. I'm not sure where this rabbit hole will take me but I'm determined to figure it all out. This may not help you at all but I hope it shows that you are not alone.
I does I know i'm not alone but hearing others struggle does make me feel like I can do it someday and not have to always lie thank you both for your thoughts I appreciate them very much.
Hi Daniel, you are defiantly not alone, I've lived the lie for so long and wasted so much time, and no it's not stupid to want a man to hold you. Good luck and of you need to talk we're here.