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I love a girl but am married to a boy

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thirdtimecharm, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. Thirdtimecharm

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    I think that to myself sometimes and I feel like I am sitting in a circle accepting openly that I have an addiction....I feel that I am almost admitting to a fault I have or recognizing that I have a problem. That is what being raised in religion has done to me...being raised in a suburban middle class, Catholic school my entire life...taught we marry our own kind (he he he mom and dad if you only realized just how true that statement is for me...). Thinking to myself for so many years that the way I felt was wrong. As if marrying a boy to have children was right? Because he was a boy? What if that boy wasn't always so nice to me, or got angry or yelled a lot. Is that better than if I married a girl? And for me my example of marriage was not ideal. Mom was severely depressed (still is) and dad was controlling and a bully (still is). But they are a girl and a boy. Such a dysfunctional relationship (still is). My role models for what the future may look like was not promising. But I was a girl. And I liked girls. One girl in particular. She made me feel a way no boy had ever made me feel. But it was wrong, I was told, because she was a girl. I told myself it was wrong because she was a girl. So I let the girl go. Never tried to be with the girl. Never allowed myself that freedom to be me. And the girl got away.

    And now I am with the boy. I compare everything to that girl. My love for the boy (or lack of) to my love for the girl. Doesn't compare. I loved her first. I loved her in a way that I cannot explain, it just existed. I miss the girl. And I allowed myself to miss her.

    And now I have allowed myself to be honest. I married the boy. Should have probably married the girl. Don't regret my kids. Not for a second. Regret not being with her. Every second.

    Was open with the boy about my needs, my acceptance of my sexuality, my curiosity which was about so much more than sex...about emotion, connection, love. The boy, being a boy, thought he was being given a gift. Two girls for him. Sex, on another level. Shut the boy down. I was not interested in being with him and another. I was interested in being me, which included my need for a connection with another girl. Minus the boy.

    Then I met her. With permission from the boy, I explored. Connected. Love grew. I am smitten. I love the girl. Very much so... Unbeknownst to the boy who thinks that my exploration of my sexuality is some sort of warm up for him.

    What I have learned from the girl is to be myself, to allow myself to feel, to enjoy, to be present...to love the girl and not be ashamed and not hate myself for it. To enjoy the presence of the girl and want more.

    Love can be so unconventional and surprising...yet so simple and pure. I have learned that if I allow myself to be me love is so very simple and just is. And that I don't have to be a text book version of the girl to be happy and free. That being honest with myself is the most important thing.

    This coming from the girl, who loves a girl, but is married to a boy. That's me. And I am ok with that.

    Let's all be happy to be who we are and not who society, religion, our family, friends, the media...tells us to be. I have learned that a happier me makes for happier kids. And I am by no means complete in my journey, just beginning...but I can proudly say that I am a girl who loves a beautiful girl.
     
    Mozart125 likes this.
  2. rachael1954

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    When people explode in anger at us, it drains our love units from them. Even if you had felt overwhelming love for the boy at the beginning, being yelled at will eventually make you lose your love for him (aka "you still love him" but are just "numb" now to his tirades). But truly, you lose love.

    If you never had the earth-shattering love for him to begin with, it makes it just so much worse, so little love to begin with dwindles to nothing. If you HAD love with her, it makes everything else pale in comparison to your feelings for her.

    You are wonderful to equate a happier you makes a happier mom for your kids. But, even more important perhaps (?) a happier you makes a HAPPIER YOU.

    I am sad for your sad times but am happy for you with your good times. I'm glad you have your kids and love them, and I'm glad you have your girl and she brings out feelings of happiness in you. Thanks for sharing.
     
  3. Orchidea123

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    Thirdtime, I feel your story and it is so simple yet complex..

    What makes it full of light and air is your brave acceptance to be free and totally accepting your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, and reaching out for life's meaning.
    You are so brave to look at everything coming your way with you're eyes open, seeing what is there and searching for more that is in store for you..
    I really hope all turns out well for you.. Feeling free to be yourself says many good things about your relationship with a girl. As for your boy, it is unselfish for him to let you explore, yet so selfish to let you do it for 'practice' that he can benefit from..
    Wish you very best!
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    R,
    Thanks for that. It's been several months of introspection for me. I feel the life I have now is slipping through my hands and I am allowing it Bc I have been the recipient of the boys anger for so long I am just not only numb...but done. I don't want it anymore....I don't know if I can even get it back esp now that I love her....and she is unlike any other.
    So confusing, so complicated for me...so stressful at times.

    I do just want to be happy...

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2016 at 11:30 PM ----------

    O123,
    Thanks :slight_smile: your words are appreciated. I have decided that my questioning of my sexuality is mine and mine alone. I cannot trust my husband with the information or bejng vulnerable Bc he uses it against me if uses it to hurt me. I don't need it. But I need to be me. And I have decided I cannot be me without loving a woman. I def am a work in progress.
     
  5. OutofZCloset

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    I find it funny that some men are not intimidated by another girl. They actually think it's going to help their sex life. But little do they know.