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I like physical affection but am too scared to initiate it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by choni, May 31, 2019.

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  1. choni

    choni
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    Hello everyone! So basically, I'm in college and I have this friend who's pretty affectionate with people she's close to. We're each other's closest friend at school, but she knows I'm not that affectionate, so she tones it down for me. I think she thinks I don't like to be touched. As stated in the title, I actually do like affection, but I'm scared to initiate. It must be because I am scared of rejection, which I know is stupid because we're literally each other's best friend. The underlying cause must be low self esteem and low perceived self-worth. I guess I'm just scared of overdoing it, although the one time I actually did initiate something she said she liked it.

    It also doesn't help that I have deeper feelings for her (but there's nothing there she has a boyfriend). Seeing her be affectionate with other people frankly makes me jealous, and of course, she's more affectionate with them than she is with me. I'm scared that if I don't start being more affectionate, she'll want to hang around people who are more than she'll want to hang out with me. It's the idea that if I don't do it, there will be someone else who will. Any advice?
     
    #1 choni, May 31, 2019
  2. Really

    Really
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    Hey @choni ,

    First of all, I don’t think how affectionate you are will make her change how much she considers you a friend. Everybody is different and she’s obviously tuned into your apparent level of comfort regarding touching. Whether you stay the same or change, she’ll still be your friend.

    If you wanted to initiate more physical affection, I wonder if you could introduce a bit while you are joking around. Like, if you have something funny to tell her, could you tap on her arm excitedly, saying, “Hey hey! Have you heard this??” It’ll be a little strange at first because that’s not your usual “mode” but it will become easier over time. You could also try this with others first as you get more comfortable with being more overtly affectionate. :}
     
    #2 Really, Jun 1, 2019
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  3. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I agree with @Really I don't think you being less physically affectionate would make her want to hang out with you any less so I don't think you should worry about it from that point of view.
    I guess for me the question is do you want to be more physical initiating and non initiating? Is this just because you have deeper feelings and are jealous of the affection she gives others or is it just that you generally want to but don't know how to initiate it?
     
    #3 silverhalo, Jun 1, 2019
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  4. choni

    choni
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    Thanks for your responses! That's reassuring to know you think she'll want to be my friend regardless :slight_smile: I guess I kind of just get scared that I won't be her closest friend anymore. I think this is the first time I've ever been in a friendship where we are reach other's closest friends (usually I'm not theirs).

    I've definitely eased myself into doing more things. I've linked arms, put my arm around her, and leaned on her before, but that's it. I've never full on hugged her first, so I guess that's the next step. She knows that I get nervous about it and am working on it, so she's understanding, but that almost makes it harder for some reason. I guess I feel like I'm being judged more now.

    You could say it's both. I generally want to be better at giving affection to people I want to give it to, even those that I don't have deeper feelings for. Before I started liking my friend romantically, I wanted to show her more affection. Now it's just heightened because of how I feel about her, and there's a jealousy aspect to add to it.
     
    #4 choni, Jun 2, 2019
  5. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    I can totally understand why it makes you worried but she doesn't sound like that kind of person, I mean she is supporting you to try and work on it. Probably the more you can just do it without thinking about it the better it will be.
     
    #5 silverhalo, Jun 2, 2019
  6. choni

    choni
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    yeah, I definitely need to just do it more to get more comfortable. You're right; she is supportive and helping me through it. I'll just have to tell myself that the next time I want to initiate
     
    #6 choni, Jun 2, 2019
  7. silverhalo

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    It's easy for me to say and not so easy to do I know that but it sounds as though you have been making progress.
     
    #7 silverhalo, Jun 2, 2019
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