Feel free to comment but i need to just vent, I’m a 21 year old female who is after 5 years still determining my sexual orientation. I am just sick of it at this stage and want to be asexual, I have no desire to be in a relationship, but I have such a sexual appetite (I’m a virgin), I really hate the feeling of being in love or liking someone (rarely happens), and just push it out,cause I just don’t want to deal with the ‘work’ that is a relationship. I prefe/like to stay single. At the same time, I am not comfortable just having casual sex, cause in my mind it would feel wrong with someone I do not know/really trust, and I really don’t want to deal with worrying about STI’s/ contraceptions (if I’m straight). Knowing all of this, the questions of my sexual identity plague my everyday and I’m sick of it! I just want to know, and I know time will tell, I’m passed the stage where I give a fuck about my conservative family and I need to know for myself. I’m the type that just doesn’t want to deal with people and their stress and emotions. But I think it’s the lack of exploration that has keeps me wondering. I only started questioning my orientation at 16 when my sister’s best friend came out, prior to this I had been masturbating to 80% lesbian porn since I was 11. At 14, I started secretly watching sex and the city, and I mainly enjoyed the movie type straight sex scenes. Since then I would get an intense wave of pleasure when I thought about sex with men and not women, I think it’s just jizzing lol. I also enjoy Male audio clips and beautiful agonys (watching normal people finish without looking at genitals). I know I’m sexually attracted to men, but sometimes I think that I forced myself to be unconiously so that I could be ‘normal’. Seeing that I preferred girl on girl action since 11. I fear that I may be lying to myself, and don’t know it and I don’t want to sleep with someone (guy or girl) and realise something it not right, I just wish I never had a sexual urge. Btw, I have made out with both guys and girls and felt nothing with both, I was hoping for this great moment of realisation of ‘FINALLY YOU ARE GAY!” To happen but nothing. Quite frankly it felt weirder with the girls, idk, like squishy and too soft, yet they say if you are questioning (and for years), they is a high chance you are in the LGBT community, but I’m just done with this shit, I know labels aren’t important but it’s nice to know where you stand. I just want to not have to deal with sexual urges and stop constantly wondering what if? With who? Do you find this person attractive? Ugggghhh
Have you heard of the term aromantic? I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully one day you can find someone who understands your situation and can help satisfy your sexual cravings without the attached romance, like friends with benefits.
You might just be looking for specific features in a partner that you've not yet found. Nothing wrong with that. I would try to relax and keep your options open. Date only when you feel like you truly have a connection with the other person, regardless of gender. I think it's great that you aren't turning to casual sex if that's not what you're looking for. It does sound like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, which isn't fair to you. You're not broken. You're not weird. You're just not interested in those you've met so far. If I were you, I'd focus on doing things I love. The rest will come.
