I honestly don't know how to describe what I've been feeling anymore better than simply alone and it's beginning to get to a point where it's very overwhelming. (It seems odd to say that being alone is overwhelming.) I'm student teaching this semester so I'm in school from 7:30-3 every day interacting primarily with 7th graders only but once I get back to my apartment, I see pretty much no one. I don't have anyone who really reaches out to talk or hang out so my after school is typically just me in my bedroom in my apartment watching TV...very exciting, I know. Last night I did get to spend some quality time with some friends, but even then there were points where I really just felt like I was there and nothing more. I would get to points where I would just sit on the couch and think, "Would they even notice if I just left right now?" Sure, they say, "We should do this more often," but someone says that every time we hang out as a group...and then I'll see groups hanging out on SnapChat and never an invite. Lately, I have attempted to reach out to people but it's been people from my past who I know are not good for me or just blatantly hate me. Obviously, doing those things has not exactly been great for my self esteem. In other news of harming my self esteem, I've also picked up my usage of apps that I had done good to avoid using much only a few weeks back. Getting blocked regularly by guys on there hasn't exactly been great. An ex...something has also been on my mind a lot recently. To the point where I changed from my personal policy of only texting him every now and then to having texted him several times in the past week or two in hopes of spurring a conversation. To make matters worse, I decided to try and search for him on an app last night and found him and am now just incredibly curious about his sex life but can't ask him about that because one, it's rude, and two, he's hardly willing to talk to me about the most basic things. Admittedly I do have one good friend that I can always count on reaching out to talk to me. He's fantastic. We talk quite literally every day and I can always count on him messaging me at some point during or after school if I don't before him. I tell him daily how much I appreciate his friendship. But at the back of my mind I just remember that if he were to ever stop talking to me then I would quite literally have no one. But honestly what I think is terrifying me more than anything is that I graduate in May and I'm terrified that as soon as graduation is over I'm going to be alone. That all of my friends I've made are just going to get their own ways or just leave me in the dust and I'll have no one. And I have absolutely no clue how to process handling that. Oh, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my future. That's also terrifying. Any advice or encouragement whatsoever would be very much appreciated as it's a Saturday night and I'm literally just sitting on my bed doing nothing because I don't know how to process life.
Hi there, Reading over your post, and not to take away from feeling not having a lot of friends around, I wonder if the fear, anxiety that you are feeling with the end of the semester approaching is making you feel other things more than you usually would. The end of the semester will bring an end to a routine you have gotten used to, and sometimes that alone can bring out some fears and perhaps even have an impact on your mood. Reaching out to people who have hurt you in the past, or with whom you have never gotten along with in the first place, is definitely not helpful; as you have recognised, it is not going to help in building your self-esteem. Similarly, for trying to reach out to your ex. Every time you try doing that and seeing how he has moved on, or what he is doing, you are potentially chipping away at your self-esteem, self-worth. Doing that, a part of you will compare yourself to whatever he is doing, and that comparison can bring out some more emotions, and feed your current feelings and fears. Do you have something that you really love doing? Sometimes doing what you love doing and that you like about yourself? I'd suggest to start with that or reconnect with it. If there is something you like doing, maybe try finding a social group in the community that you could join, or connect with. It would allow you to create (perhaps) some more meaningful friendships and it could also help you to feel less alone, have something to look forward to periodically or on a more regular basis, in particular once the semester comes to an end. This could also lessen your fear of 'what happens if your good friends stops talking to you.' I doubt it will happen and that it is really just a fear but expanding your friends' circle could lessen it a bit. The other suggestion I would have is to try reaching out to one or two more friends and take them up on their suggestion of getting together. It might be worthwhile to give it a try and see if it will translate into more social time with your friends, or for you not feeling being alone. Plus, it could help in maintaining the friendships or connections. The forms of the connections might change, in particular if you or your friends are from out of town, but there are ways to stay connected. It will require some efforts, but it might be worthwhile to give it a try. When it comes to the future, how come you are not sure as to what you are going to be doing? Are you planning on becoming a school teacher? Or something related?
Thanks for the reply Mirko! I do think the end of the semester has had something to do with this picking up more, but I have felt this way in the past too. Only real difference then was that I had classes and situations where I would be on campus to see and interact with people so even if I didn't have friends, per se, I saw people which helped. Now, I'm not really ever seeing anyone and coupling that with the fact that I graduate in just a little more than a month is terrifying. I'll answer this out of order to help with some context. I'm about to graduate with a degree in Secondary Education for English, so essentially a Grades 7-12 English teacher. But I've had many doubts about this before this semester and have been back and forth on if I really want to teach or should I pursue a grad school route or even should I focus on my writing. I have been enjoying my student teaching to the point where I do plan on going the job route. I actually just discussed with my boss the other day about grad school (she's well known within the program I applied for and was going to do my other recommendation letter I needed) versus a job and she convinced me to focus on finding a job right now. But now, that comes with its own sort of complications now because now I'm slightly freaking out over jobs and interviews. There's also the fact that only one local school has an opening for my certification. I'm trying not to look too far away from home since I had intended to live at home for maybe another year or two and save up money...but at the same time maybe getting out of my comfort area would be good for me. Admittedly, using ex to describe him is a stretch. He's my first love, yes, but we never dated. We've yet to ever even meet in person. We met online when we were 13 or 14 and became friends and over time feelings developed...on my end at least. By the time we got to an age where both of us could reasonably making meeting each other happen...our friendship had pretty much died. I'm not trying to justify reaching out, just some context. Honestly with him it's even more complicated. Just a few months back I could wish him a happy birthday or wish him a good semester, text him to say that he crossed my mind and wanted to see how he's been and be fine. Legitimately fine. I could see his updates on social media and be happy to see him happy, I wasn't bugged like I had been in the past about him not texting me back but posting on social media. But now, like yesterday, I saw three Snaps on his story before he responded to a text I had sent about asking about school reps in his area (one of my supervisors had suggested looking...so, it was unrelated to him really). And even then he just responded with "I'm sorry im drunk in Philly ahaha." And it bothered me and I don't know what suddenly changed to where I've done a complete 180 from how I had been acting towards him. My only real hobbies are reading and writing. I have definitely slumped on keeping up with my reading, which has been bothering me. I mean, I know if I sit down with the book I'm currently reading I could finish it in one sitting. It's by one of my favorite authors too, so I'm not sure what's taken me so long to just finish it, it's a good book too. My drive to read just hasn't been around. Same with my writing. I have one project I'm really dedicated to and want to start rewrites but I also want to work on fleshing out the characters before rewrites but every time I sit down to flesh out my characters I just lose my drive. The big problem with my hobbies is that there aren't really groups near me for them, and if there are they focus mainly on older people, not younger people. I live in a smaller town in central-ish, rural Pennsylvania. If I lived closer to a city, I'm sure I could find groups but city-wise I'm at least an hour drive from anywhere close. I actually do plan on doing this just because I always enjoy game nights and being with my friends. On a good night I can stay out with them until 2 AM perfectly sober and have a great time. I just always feel awkward asking because they're the ones hosting so I don't want to like impose myself on them, and that's always been my biggest issue. I could have friends over but they would want to drink and since I live in campus housing, that's not allowed and I wouldn't want to get caught...so we have to go off campus. I have four, maybe five (depending on things like Easter and graduation weekend), weekends before I'm out of here for good and it is honestly terrifying.
When you think about where do you see yourself, what comes to mind? From the sounds of it, and from what I have read in your previous posts, it looks like that teaching, spending time with students in the classroom is close to your heart. If you know that this to be the case, and see yourself teaching students, being there to guide them through their education, classes but also (perhaps) through some more personal issues that could affect their learning, I do not think you have anything to be too concerned about. I can see some connections potentially happening here. One, is the change that is coming up and it is something you can't control; reading between the lines, I get the impression that you were in control of your studies and knew what it going to happen. Now things will change a little; in other words, you have to take new risks, that don't have any guarantees or will work out in the way you are hoping. Even though there is only one job available that you could apply to at the moment, if you believe that being a teacher is something you want to do, I'd say put in an application. When doing so, don't try to think about the what ifs, and what happens afterwards. The only goal here is to work on an application, making it the best you can make it, and submitting it. Essentially, it is (and as Brene Brown would say) placing yourself in the arena, letting yourself be seen - this is what you can do, this is what you have achieved, this is what you are proud of - and giving it your best. If it works out, great! If not, that's okay too because you still have learned something, which is as valuable as being successful. Two, it is natural to worry about the things we can't control; I mean, I do it all the time. Is it helping? Not in the least. So, one thing to try doing is to remind yourself of why you have started out in the education field, the fun you are having and had in teaching Grade 7 students, how you feel when you see a student making progress, or when a student comes up to you and smiles at you, beaming because they got a good grade on a test. I have read in one of your previous posts that you would prefer to teach students in higher Grades (11, 12?) which is something to look forward too. In many respects, taking a job first could allow you to reflect a bit more on the graduate studies you could be pursuing. It could help you to drill down into questions such as, is there something that interests you in particular? Are there things you could study further such as curriculum development, or continuing to develop your skills in working with special needs students, etc.... The flip side to that is that graduate studies would bring you back in an environment that is familiar to you, postponing an experience that might be good to have, learn. If you don't mind me asking, what was your boss' reason for encouraging you to pursue a job rather than graduate school at the moment? I see. I think in some ways, his response probably put a bit more fuel to the fire of feeling alone as it were. Aside from that he texted you when drunk not answering your actual question, there is something else in there: he was likely not on his own getting drunk. In other words, he was out with friends. Sometimes, the hidden messages can be as impactful as the actual message. Plus, a few months back, you probably didn't worry about what will happen in April because it seemed to be far off. Maybe there is something in there too that is contributing to how you feel. Making the time for yourself, to engage in self-care. Being someone who loves to read literature and write, I can empathize, because if I don't do it often enough, I start feeling off. Something is missing. Sometimes, busyness, and worries, concerns, fears, they will eat away at the drive of doing what we love doing. So maybe try reading a few pages to trying to get your mind to focus on something else, and as this shift happens, you might find that your drive to read will return. It is unfortunate that there might not be a group you could be joining; that said, if there is a group and even if it is composed of adults or older people, maybe still try - in particular for the writing. It can be inspiring to listen to other writers who have a longer life history and grew up, and lived during different times. Potentially, it could give you some pointers on fleshing out your characters. Listening to unrelated works, or ideas, could help you to find the missing pieces. When you write, do you write at your home, or do you go to a public place such a coffee shop? How about asking one or two friends to come over? Or if you invite the entire group, you could try saying, let's hang out without drinking. It might not be the most popular suggestion, but to have a good, quality time with friends, drinking should not be a pre-requisite. When you hang out at a friend's place, what do you usually do?
Ideally, when I think in the future I see myself as an author. Teaching is something I enjoy, but I also see firsthand many flaws in the education system. It's something I can see myself doing for a little while, but not forever. I mean, right now the age of retirement in Pennsylvania with full pension I BELIEVE just got adjusted to 75. I cannot see myself teaching and only teaching for 53 years. But I also know how much of a struggle it is to get published and become a successful author, so finding something I enjoy doing in the meantime is good...hence, teaching. I mean 7th graders can act baby-ish and frustrating but it does feel great to see a student I know has been struggling doing well. They are fun to teach though at times because they goof around a lot and enjoy different games I try to do. But I am very much looking forward to potentially working with upper grades for the potential of deeper content than "This is how you use a semicolon." Her logic was essentially what you said. Attempting to teach for a year (at least) would give me real world experience and give me some new perspective from grad school. The program I was looking at, in particular is essentially for working in higher education and working with students in higher ed, just outside of the classroom. She understood that I'm passionate about both, but I think she could see that my passion for one outweighed my passion for the other. I mean, I do think that bothered me to an extent. I would have preferred waiting a full day than a non-response saying he's out getting drunk with his friends, because yeah, he was with friends. But it's more than that. I want to let him know how adorable his dog is, I want to know if he's just randomly roaming around Philly or is he going to the gayborhood (which would make me super proud for other reasons), I just...I want to know things about him and his life and how he's doing. For probably two years I've wondered about his tattoo I see in his posts all the time but when I texted him the other day asking I got a non-response saying he doesn't tell people. But yeah, I do think part of me wishes that I was one of the people he was with, despite me knowing none of his friends and not drinking and having never actually spent time with him in person ever. It's a weird form of FOMO. My reading I do intend on picking back up to speed, I think that has very much had something to do with me feeling so...off. Right now I'm in a weird space with school work with prepping an entire unit which is what I've spent my weekend doing. Once I get things figured out, I should have much more downtime to read. I might actually start looking for a writing group. I'm not sure of any since I am from a small town, but getting feedback is definitely helpful. I do write mostly at home, but that mainly has to do with the fact that there is exactly one coffee shop where I go to school which, while quaint, would be a pain for me to drive to every time I get inspired to start writing. The one friend I would happily hang out with at my apartment sadly cannot drive himself and lives a solid 30 minutes from campus which means the only way for us to actually hang out I have to drive back and forth to pick him up and take him back. I love spending time with him, but the gas cost is (very annoyingly) at the back of my mind. My friends from school...I don't know, I've always been weird about asking people over. I've always had the idea that you have to do something when you hang out and there's just nothing to do at my apartment. I know it's not a prerequisite for spending time together but...I've literally never done "hanging out." Usually what happens when we hang out as a large group it's playing games with some people drinking. Occasionally drinking games, but sometimes card games. Friday a group of us had dinner at two of my friends' apartment where we did a spaghetti dinner and some people drank and then we played Mafia and caught up and played Disney What Do You Meme and it was great. I want to do it more and I'd be thrilled to host but I do have in the back of my mind: "No one can really drink," "We can't get too loud since my CA lives right downstairs," and "Most of them live near each other and I'm the one who really lives out of the way."
I know this is probably not in the least bit helpful, but I have really struggled with feelings of being alone and plain loneliness. As anyone who has tortured themselves reading my posting history will attest. This sounds familiar to me, too--except in my case it's not campus but the grocery store, the library, and the therapists office. My first conversation of the week, sometimes, is when I go to the therapists on Monday, and chat a minute with the receptionist. It's only March! Unless things are hugely different now and where you live vs. when I was in school, there is still plenty of time for a position to open up. I remember when my mother was looking at teaching positions that summer was the hiring period. And positions can open late. When I was in high school, I had at least two teachers who were probably hired later than normal. They replaced teachers who'd found new positions over the summer. Also: is substitute teaching an option? A lot of teachers did that when I was in school. No guarantee of hours, but the good subs got enough to survive. And they probably had an advantage when applying for permanent positions. One guy, for example, was a sub when I was in 7th grade. Hired for 1 year job in 8th. A sub in 9th. And in a permanent position by the time I graduated from high school. Yikes! I can't imagine anyone surviving to 75! I think it was once only 30 years teaching in my state. And even that was challenging. I had one teacher who was at about 20 years experience, and he saw no possibility of surviving to 30 years in the classroom. But he wanted to continue working in schools so he could get his full retirement, and so he went back to school to become a counselor.
I think you have a good starting point then. Remember that when you start out in a career field, chances are that hit is not going to be a career for the rest of your life. In today's world, with the constant changes that are taking place and as your skills and experiences evolve, you might find that after a while you are drawn to another career field, something that might be different or related. When it comes to becoming an author, I am glad you said what you said. I think it will help you to keep things in a realistic perspective. The advice that I heard over and over, including from established authors who have managed to gain some income from their writing is that "don't give up your day job. Have a job that pays the bills and do the writing on the side." Of course becoming established and actually making a living by (just) being an author only happens to the few. Some have been able to pay some of their bills but given the crowded field and everyone vying for a reputable publisher who is willing to take on a novel, or a short story collection, etc... the chances of it happening are a few and far in between. Self-publishing is a route to consider but being realistic about the work it will require, will help along the way. Definitely have it as a goal, and it would be worthwhile to start thinking about creating a good/strong online presence through a blog or your own site where you share what you have written (however short it is) and interact with a potential audience. Doing that will give you some insights into how strong the drive is in becoming an author and what might be involved. This sounds like a good way forward - I'd agree that at times actual experience can crystallize things or lead you to uncover additional or even other interests that you feel strongly about. Just a thought and maybe it is something to think about; if you do enjoy writing and can see yourself doing something that would involve you doing it full time, and given that English is your teachable, it is possible that you would have enough courses to enroll and start a Masters in Creative Writing. Quite a few authors have started out with getting their first story or short piece published in a publication associated with a Creative Writing program which helped to start working on other things and eventually establish a following. Maybe something to think about..... It would be good to trying to think more about as to why you want to know more about him, when it seems that the both of you drifted apart. Letting go of what once was and/or what you hopped could be is hard. From everything you have said, I don't get the sense that he is doing a lot of initiating communication with you? I might be wrong, but it sounds like that you are the one does most of the 'checking in.' One question to ponder might be: would be better to let it be completely? To create the space to be able to move on and not be 'disappointed' when he responds with messages you didn't expect or didn't (really) need to read. Oh okay. How would you feel trying to write (even when you don't feel as inspired to write) after or before starting your school day? Sometimes, and as you know, in order for something to work out, and to continue to be built, you need to find a middle ground. If you invite your friend over from time to time and pick him up, drop him off, and even though there is a cost involved, at the end of the day, it would give you a chance to spend some quality time with him, and continue building the connection you have with him. In other words, sometimes making other choices or trying to balance the choices, is needed in order to make sure we feed different parts of ourselves. Even though it is hard, it might be worthwhile trying to let go a little bit of the what ifs. When you invite your friends over, you can determine the purpose, and say. 'hey, why don't we get together for some card games.' You can set the boundaries and say, 'this is what we can do,' and 'this is what would be problematic.' You could also talk with your CA and just let them know that you will be having a few friends over. So if it does get a bit louder, they are prepared and probably a lot more understanding than if they would not have known.
Making a living from writing can be a real challenge. Although a lot depends on one's field, and a lot probably depends on dumb luck. I've noted even professional writers seem to need to be a lot more adaptable than was probably once the case. This can be a little bit depressing. It certainly has depressed me--I've done writing (and even been paid for some non-fiction pieces), and being a writer would be a good match for me on many levels. But the reality of making a living is pretty sobering. Yes. But it can be a lot of work, and there is a lot of competition. What works today for promotion won't work tomorrow. A long tradition: do a day job to pay the bills until the novel becomes a best seller!
Honestly, it's weirdly helpful to know you're not alone in how you feel, so I actually really appreciate you saying that. Oh, I'm very aware it's only March! I don't expect many jobs yet. I guess I should've phrased it more as...only one position available so far. I've been told plenty of times that I won't see many job listings really until April at the earliest anyways. And subbing is a definite option. I already have plans to get on the subbing list for the district I'm in right now to start subbing after I graduate and it's pretty much the plan for August and onwards if I don't secure a full time job over the summer. Yeah there's a lot of teachers that pretty much plan to only stay only into their 50s (which when you factor in a starting age of 23, is right around 30 years) and then just accept taking a penalty on their pension. Or schools do buyouts. Mirko, please let me tell you that you are fantastic and you have really helped me process through some harsh anxiety this weekend. I am well aware of the reality of authors. My goal is to write YA for a living, and the authors I follow on Instagram and Facebook are an inspiration...but I know they're not the reality of many. Not to mention that I know spending time around high schoolers will help me get into their heads a lot more to help focus my characters more. Self-publishing is something I have contemplated in the past but I also have an internal struggle with not taking independent publishers seriously. Like I want to stand out and get well-known and not just be on "Amazon's Top 100." A girl I went to high school with brags about her independent publishing all the time and every time I see her mention it (or the freaking newspaper article I saw about her on it) I just think "Those are super low quality covers and people outside of our town are literally not going to know about this." I want to aim for the traditional publishing route, even given the known challenges. I might actually be cliche and start a teaching blog, now that you mentioned that. I can almost tie getting my writing and my teaching skills out there all at the same time. One of my plans, actually, has been to start working at a school that pays for Master's classes and go for a Master's in Creative Writing for that exact reason. The only slight problem is that most schools require the degree having to do with teaching, so I'll have to justify how a Master's in Creative Writing will help me in the classroom more than say...a Reading Specialist certification. I mean, there is more to his and my's past than I gave that's complicated and messy. It's always been on his end drifting further away, it wasn't something I ever asked for. So, he isn't the one to ever initiate contact. Not on my birthday, not on holidays. He doesn't like my posts ever. I can go on. There have been many times that I have purposefully avoided contact and I did until it stopped hurting to think about him. Really, up until maybe just a few days ago, I was content with not talking to him frequently, if at all, no matter how often he crossed my mind. Before seems unlikely based on how awful I am at getting up in the morning, but after I think I can manage. I think that would actually be great...as long as I don't keep falling asleep. I have actually tried getting some time to write in during school when my kids read or they're working but...I'm a busy person. I will be perfectly honest, I very much want to spend more time with him, I really do. The distance is all the frustrates me because it means that I can pretty much only see him on the weekends and then we have to factor his work schedule and me prepping stuff for school. And that there's not much middle ground when he doesn't have a license, let alone a car. I would be thrilled to have a middle ground, but it's a struggle when there...is none. Ahh yes, I very much want to work on this. Anytime I think of anything, my mind immediately goes to the what ifs and just sticks there. I've never been a super spontaneous person. Like, for example, the one thing always at the back of my mind about hosting is, "What if I just want to shower and chill and get ready for bed and people are still here?" Sometimes our hangouts can go late into the night and while I love my friends...I like to be able to leave when I can and hard to do in your own apartment haha.
As much as it sounds like a cliche, but that would be the first step. I have met one blogger whose blog was discovered by a large well known publishing house. The publisher contacted the blogger and essentially offered them a contract to write a book for them. It did however take the blogger a couple of years or so to build up their blog and start having a following to the point where the publisher thought there is a good chance of (commercial) success. I took a few creative writing classes taught by local authors who have published works with major Canadian publishing companies and all of them gave the advice that in order to have a go at it: "write every day, even if you don't feel like it" and "start having an online presence early on. Figure out which platform works best for your purpose and start blogging." Maybe give it some thought as to how you could tie it together if this is a route that appeals to you. I imagine that having the ability to approach creative writing from critical perspectives and being able to instill the craft in others, in particular students, which can teach them aside from communication skills, critical thinking skills, research skills as well as analytical skills. If you think about what happens when you write or trying to create a story, in some ways you are using all of these skills. If you can, try to make time for the writing. It doesn't need to work out every day but over time, it could turn into a routine. One of the instructors I had, had a routine, where he would get up early in the morning, write for two hours or so and then get ready for work. It's about finding a routine that works, and sticking to it. Admittedly, I am still working on mine. It is true that it is hard to leave your apartment and that yep, once you have someone over it is hard to get up and do something else! At the same time, you can always set some parameters as well. That said, if you feel more comfortable being at a friend's place so to have the ability to leave when you feel you need to, than that's something to keep in mind.
Yeah, I really think this is something I could go for. Right now I have to do a journal for student teaching and honestly most of my days could easily be converted into full blog posts. I could easily blend my personal writing and my teaching and my personal life and learn to find a balance. Honestly, my biggest issue platform wise is that I pretty much have to keep my social media on lockdown as a teacher, so it's hard to promote "Follow me on Instagram" when my profile is private and you have to request a follow. I don't have anything damning on my social media, I just don't want any students following me. Oh, I am sure that I can spin a logic of how a Master's in Creative Writing can help my teaching. It's exactly what I want so I better be able to. I would just have to leave out the part where I'm trying for that Master's to improve my own writing to get a publishing deal and not have to teach. In non-writing news, I ended talking quite a bit with my ex something or other quite a bit today. Like, an actual conversation rather than just him giving one text as an answer. I don't know really know why? I'll see how much more he responds to, but I'm not expecting much.
Thinking back to this incident, is there anything you think you should have done differently that would have made it a more enjoyable night out? Did you feel excited before going out about meeting up with friends, and then have a change of heart once you were in the situation? Were there any particular conversations that made you feel a certain way, for example, did anyone say something that made you feel awkward and uncomfortable, or did anyone say something that upset you but you decided to bite your tongue and let it slide? Were there any parts of the evening that you did enjoy? I'm just thinking it might be a bit helpful to examine your behavior and feelings when you're in these sorts of social situations, so that hopefully the next time you meet up with friends, we can make it into a more positive experience.
I had a very enjoyable night and I was looking forward to the night. We literally got together for a spaghetti dinner and played mafia and Disney What Do You Meme and talked shit on professors. I left around 10:30 but I honestly would have been perfectly fine with staying later if other people were as well. Honestly, the moment I felt that I remember I had just gotten my food and was sitting on the couch and we were all watching one of our friends try (and fail) to open a bottle of wine. I was just sitting there and the thought very invasively crossed my mind. There was literally no precedence for it. That kind of stuff, sadly, happens to me all the time though.
It sounds like you had a good chat with your ex nevertheless, which is good and might also help with continuing to build a friendship. I think it is good though that you are going into it with low expectations and see what happens. When it comes to the writing platform/choosing the right social media, you could try having an anonymous blog to begin with - and it might be good not to have your full name attached to it straight away to begin with. So even if a student would search for you name on the internet, it wouldn't pop up readily. You could invite people to follow you to begin with and slowly that following could grow.
So you did have a good night, you just had a fleeting thought where you wondered what it would be like if you weren't there. It's probably not doing you much harm to have those thoughts, maybe it's just that you don't get to have nights out with friends as often as you'd like to, so a part of you was thinking "this could easily not have happened, and they would probably still be having fun without me." It' s probably better to be with friends and wonder what it would be like if you weren't there, than to be at home alone wondering what it would be like if you were out with friends. You also mentioned that your friends have a snapchat group that you're not part of (I don't know much about snapchat) how does that make you feel?
