Let me start by saying that I don’t know for sure if the sensation I associate with testosterone has anything to do with testosterone. When I’m in times of high stress and my fight or flight response gets triggered (which is a lot) I get really angry and aggressive. My body wants to get violent, but my brain will never let it, so I just get left with this poisoned feeling, like a hangover. I’m not a nice person in these times. I become the worst kind of man. I end up wanting to just lie down alone until the feeling goes away. My mind and spirit say “Peace and love!” while my body says “rip and tear!” I can say with no pride or ego that I make a real attractive guy. People respond positively to me because they like the way I look. Were I to transition, I know I’d catch a lot of shot for what a waste of a handsome man it is. But they don’t get it. The problem with my body isn’t how the outside looks, but how the inside feels. The closest thing I’ve ever seen in a film to what it’s like occupying this body is the scene in Pinocchio when the kids turn into donkeys. I always wondered, are they still kids in there? Is it kid terror or donkey terror that they’re feeling? Is this man terror or woman terror that I’m feeling? Does it make a difference?
Sounds like you’re really scared right now. That tormenting difference or dysphoria we experience is so much of part of what we have to find our way through. I’ve given every consideration to all the options I can think of and worked through them in counseling. Turns out I want to be everybody. Male and female, I’m moving in the direction of keeping it complicated - hope not so much. It feels like home and it’s where I belong. Don’t have a clue how this will work out. I told my wife 2 days ago and we’re not really speaking at this point. She’s freaked and I’m relieved. How fair is that to her. Alternative to just try and live the lie. We know that hasn’t worked out so what other choices are there? Whew, this is tough work! Maybe the best work of my life. Glad your here and if I can help in anyway, please let me know.
