I guess there really were signs

I think most people who are not straight show traits including me. Apparently my ex wife noticed mine!!! Though were not talking so I can't ask her what they are lol.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from.

I grew up in a super Catholic fanatic community and family. No one spoke about being gay, and I didn't know what it was until my last years of secondary school (high school in US). I then dated a string of nice, great guys that I wasn't attracted to. I always felt like I didn't quite fit in with the "regular" crowd, but just thought I was weird. I think when people have forced your brain into a little dark box of thinking, you don't notice the signs.

After I started realizing I was probably gay, I dug back through my memories and asked close school friends what they remembered.

At the age of around 4, I demanded to wear pants only and made my mom crazy ripping off any dress she put on me. If forced, I wore shorts under them. Not that that is a sign of being gay, but definitely was born this way.

I got sent to Catholic school where every year we were taught that our primary goal in life was to get married and have tons of children and raise them Catholic. I had this huge crush on my 5th class teacher at this Catholic school around the age of 10. She had beautiful dark hair and blue eyes (now my weakness in women). I made up weird songs about her (I was odd) and my friends remember this to this day. I was mortified when my friend's mom told the teacher about one of them. For years after, I had crushes on Keira Knightly and Demi Moore. But again, because of the nature of my Catholic school, I never thought anything of it and neither did other people.

Like you, as my friends started to become obsessed with the other sex, I never paid any attention to boys and thought for the most part they were stupid. I never dated in secondary. I just went along looking at girls on my hockey teams and being totally oblivious to what was in front of me. In university, "dated" a bunch of guys that were fine, but couldn't ever figure out why the sex was bad. During graduate school, I seriously dated a guy who wanted to marry me. He was my best friend, but I realized I wasn't attracted to him and literally did not want to touch him in a sexual way.

During the same time, a (female) friend from a sports team and I kissed when we were drunk. That was it. It was like every single thing made sense in the puzzle of why I felt like I never fit in. A switch went off in my brain.

The signs are always there, but again, it's about what dark little box your brain was forced into when you were young. Your brain tries to trick you into what other people want so you can "survive." I think it's a primal instinct to try to stay with the pack. When your mom and those other boys told you to not do that, your brain switched on to tell you, "stay safe, stay with everyone else." It's conditioning.

Like you, I feel sorry for my baby gay self and a bit angry with people that were around me that no one told me there was this other thing you can be besides straight. I feel sorry for the fact that little me felt so lost and weird and not fitting in and no one stopped to say, "you are normal, it's ok." Not that it's acceptable in the community I grew up in anyway. But, coming to terms with it today that I am normal, and not weird, and fit in just fine.

Totally understand you, Destin

 

I feel the same way in that I don't think I had signs. I still don't really feel I do. But oddly enough I was thinking this morning about how when I was like a preteen I loved to role-play and dress up with my friends. It was a hobby we all shared and it was a lot of fun. Essentially, we were theater kids without a theater and we made up our own elaborate, dramatic escapades. And I remember I really liked to play the boy parts for fun. I liked to dress up as "the prince". Our groups were always all female, so occasionally we wanted a boy character that wasn't imaginary, so whenever that happened it was me. My friend still teases me because I always was "the boy". But I found it fun. She also teased me because as a kid I was very put off by marriage and babies and stuff like that lol. I still am but it doesn't have anything to do with guys or kids I just don't like the "traditional" picket fence life, gender roles etc. I also remember when I was young I went to a play my friend's family was putting on with their friends and her older sisters and I remember seeing her older sister cross dressing as a boy and thinking she looked super cool like that. What's funny was I could have sworn she was flirting with one of the other girls while dressed this way, though I didn't see it for what it was at the time. And if her family knew they would have been very upset because their family is homophobic and religious. But I am not sure whether she was playing or what. I also was obsessed with Shakespeare as a kid because his plays have a lot of girls who dress like boys, and I wanted to wear a boy's costume for halloween one year for fun though my parents wouldn't let me. So yeah, I guess the stereotype of lesbians/bi girls being tomboyish was true for me. I am just not an overly girly girl. I like what I like and that's that. My gender isn't important to me. I am female but I don't care.

 

I think those of us closeted for some time have some memories we forgot. Some things I forgot or placed in a box because of my religiously fanatic mother. I remember now how starting around 3rd grade I was told those I wanted to be friends with were the 'evil sinners we should never talk to'. I was secret friends with the trans boy in the neighborhood who no one would dare go near. We would meet up after school and whenever my mom worked late just to hang out. I loved how spirited he was and I wanted to be him. I remember a babysitter stopped watching me and my brother because me and her daughter got caught together. I was 12 and she was 14. I had forgot that for many years.

Repression in my family is how you deal. If you don't and dare tell the truth, then you are a liar who must have imagined a totally different life than anyone else. I am still reminded of this whenever I bring anything up we are not supposed to discuss. So why am I so concerned about losing their approval? Off track sorry.. Families suck though and you can repress truths just to survive.

 

Yep. I can totally relate to this. My family was a bunch of fanatics as well. I was the youngest. The evidence was there from a very early age, and never stopped. Repression is powerful, and wrong to do to people. Very painful to your identity. Glad you are here now. : )

 

I was told very early by homophobic society and certain homophobic family members that being gay is not good, people will humiliate you if you are and that you must look in a particular way too. I was forced to wear dresses, I didn't like them but I would wear them in the end because my parents went to church often and it's what you're supposed to wear in church.

I liked the color blue and hated pink things. I never played with human dolls, when they brought them to me I undressed them, I wanted to see how their legs and arms were attached and if I could place them differently like a puzzle. I had no desire to play conventional marriage scenarios and when they asked me in kindergarten if I wanted to have children and get married I told them I didn't want to.

 

I remember flirting with another boy when I was 12 on a coach journey on the way back from a school trip. This kid wasn't in any of my classes normally so this was the first time we had met. We were both giggling and he blushed a lot (and I probably did too.) I remember thinking he was really cute. But then this supply teacher person (who also happened to be related to this boy) told us to stop talking to each other and that if we continued we would be in trouble. I think she was personally invested in the situation due to being related to him in some way. I never really saw or spoke to him again after that during normal school days.

I pretty much forgot about that incident entirely until quite recently.

Maybe a less obvious sign is that from quite early on and throughout my adolescence I would feel resentful towards girls who seemed entitled or who would pre-emptively reject me despite me having no romantic interest in them. But then again maybe straight boys would feel the exact same way about girls treating them that way. So I don't know if that's really a sign or not.

 

There were a lot of signs early in my childhood but I only see them now looking back. I realized I wasn’t straight when I was 12 but there were plenty of signs before that.

I remember when I got my hands on a porn magazine for the first time, I had no interest in the pictures that only had women in them, I only liked the ones with men.
I remember inside the back cover was an ad for something but it was mostly a picture of a naked guy standing in the water on a beach and I loved that picture. I was probably 10 when that happened.

Another one was I used to love dressing up and putting on a show for my family. Making up scenarios.

Putting balloons or a blanket under my shirt and pretending I was pregnant.

Trying to get a friend to show me his penis when I was like 9 years old. He ran home and told our moms lololol

 

I still am a walking message board. The thing is, there were signs in my childhood but I just didn't get them back then. I thought I was like my friends, I just somehow didn't seem to act 'the right way' and as a result I thought I was the problem (already seeing a therapist, no need to advice me to go to one ). Anyway, the therapist made me think.

I have a similar story as Silveroot.
I like to wear dark colors. I can't remember playing with a human doll on my own at all. I only played with dolls with my seven years younger sister because she liked playing with dolls. I didn't want to have children and I didn't want to get married either.

I feel like I have to add I still think I'm a bisexual, not gay, but I do have an undeniable masculine vibe. It probably explains why I am so attracted to femininity, in men and women.

 

This is something I've been thinking about too since I finally decided to accept I am attracted to women. It almost makes me laugh the lengths I would go to to try and convince myself I wasn't gay. Since I'm physically attracted to men, I was able to bury those feelings for a very long time. Catholic school made it confusing too.

Just last night I was laughing with my friend remembering how I used to listen to the song from Disney Hercules "I Won't Say I'm in Love" a lot throughout middle school. Even as far back as the very first crush on a girl I can remember, 4th grade. I felt like the muses were my inner voice/conscience encouraging me to admit my feelings: "try to keep it hidden...girl you can't conceal it, we know who you're thinking of. you swoon, you sigh, why deny it?" and Megara was my superego wanting to deny, repress, "no chance, no way". That song really is fitting for people in the closet.

 

My comment somehow got cut off, so I will continue it here. I also told a kindergarten female best friend we should get married so we could live together but one of us had to masquerade as the groom because they would get us married otherwise.

Then when I was 8 I suggested a game to my friend like the doctor, which made her ask me if I were lesbian in a very disgusted, disapproving tone. After that, I tried to convince myself and the world I was straight and it took me 23 years to see I was gay instead. And through all that time, I thought I had no signs and that if I were gay, I'd know without a doubt, so I couldn't possibly be that way.

 

Same here. Though I like masculine women.

 

I meant 17 years later. I don't know how I calculated my years like this. I guess my Maths really are potato when I'm emotional and typing lol

 

That's interesting. I also felt like I failed at being straight somehow. Little did I know it was because I simply wasn't straight.

 

I tried so hard to be appear straight and always wondered why I wasn't like other girls. Even when I wore feminine clothing and makeup, I felt so weird and out of place. I was bullied all through middle and high school for being different, making me try even harder to be someone else. I wish I would have recognized the signs then. It would have made my life much easier.

 

There were some signs, but I was absolutely oblivious to them. I always felt different and from a young age made a strong effort to do “guy things”, even though I really hate most sports. It’s only in hindsight that I realize I was trying to prove something.

I also remember a friend from school showing me some porn back when we were in 6th grade... like other people’s porn experiences, the opposite-sex photos didn’t do it for me. I remember feeling this weird surprise and alarm. I remember making myself stare at the womens’ photos, trying to force myself to feel something. That’s pretty sad.

 

For me, there were more signs that I could possibly list, from my earliest memories and throughout my life.

Suffice it to say, it is AMAZING what the human brain can suppress and rationalize away. It's like this construct of yourself and life is an abstract painting and you just can't make sense of why until you see things clearly yourself.

 

I'm really glad you brought this up,
I am giving myself the freedom to look back with "bisexual perspective" on my past, and seeing things differently. I'm from a different generation, and it was really unclear to me (I think most kids back then) that bisexuality existed. So I remember gushing to a guy how much I thought of him (I called him an angel, and probably more... sigh, he was so polite in rebuffing me), but then later that same school day having my "radar" go off when a pretty girl was about to walk past and it just made my day. That same girl had been the object of my (shy, distant) adoration for two grades, and another guy noticed me watching her when she was dancing and said "you like her don't you" and I shyly admitted I did and he said "don't be embarrassed, that's fine" (or good or great - the point is he said some positive feedback). When my friends noticed me staring at the guy I'd gushed over, they asked me why I always seemed to be staring at his rear end, but no positive feedback about me doing that (I kinda got the sense from them that what I was doing could stop now, but at least they weren't hateful).
So... I figured I was a straight guy, got reinforced in that side of my behavior by society and my peers, and the other stuff about also noticing guys was just an anomaly perhaps. For decades of my life that explanation worked for me, until this past year it intruded into my fantasies and refused to be ignored this time. Now I figure I've always been bisexual, and I'm trying to pull out the memories and categorize them in a new way. I'm even re-evaluating the books I chose to read back then, or the reason why I bought one of those teen magazines. Hmmm... maybe that teen idol on the cover was the real reason I bought it after all. The more I give permission to myself to look back, the more I'm finding... it is pretty mild stuff though, so I get it when you say you don't have that "knowing since I was a kid" story, because I didn't get it either.
The couple of family members I've come out to so far in these first months didn't have any reinforcement of me being bisexual. They just don't seem to see it, and they don't remember events from my younger years that I remember and reinterpret. I think in some ways I was lucky, there was (in most of my circle) acceptance of a wide range of "being a man" and so whatever I was showing wasn't registering as a concern. Maybe guys from my youth would remember otherwise -- I'm now remembering there were a couple guys who didn't want to be my tent-mate on camping trips (even though I never, and never would have, done anything) - perhaps they picked up a vibe?

 

I can't say I had much of a sexuality before puberty and I think it's completely normal. But I was aways gender atypical, yes.