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I finally came out to my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by oldpulteney, Apr 14, 2018.

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  1. oldpulteney

    oldpulteney
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    I finally came out to my wife a few hours ago. I’m glad I had written it all down as a reply to a letter she had written me a few months ago. My hands were shaking and I was crying while I read it all out to her. She hugged me. There was a lot of crying on both our parts but she seems to be calm now. She says she is very glad she now has an answer as to why I had been avoiding sex for over a year. She seems supportive at this time and says she feels bad for what I must have gone through and how hard it must have been to come out to her.
    I don’t really remember the context but she did say “this changes everything”, “We can have an open relationship”, “We can’t divorce”, “I can’t expect you to stay married”. I tried my best to get the message across that I will not abandon her which seemed to help calm her down. Not that she was agitated to begin with. She seemed more concerned about me.
    THings are okay for now. I hope they are calm when we wake up in a few hours time.
    If anyone has any suggestions for resources for my wife to help her sort things out, that would be very helpful.
     
    #1 oldpulteney, Apr 14, 2018
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  2. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    That's a big step and took a lot of courage, so well done.

    I'm pleased to read that it went calmly and as well as possible. I hope this continues as you both move forwards.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Apr 14, 2018
  3. Orlandoguy

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    Well done it’s nice to hear positive stories.
     
    #3 Orlandoguy, Apr 14, 2018
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  4. Biguy45

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    That’s great. I hope everything works out for you. Maybe one day I can come out as well. I’m not even close to ready yet.
     
    #4 Biguy45, Apr 14, 2018
  5. 21zephyr

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    Wow, that was a huge step! I’m happy it went well, you are fortunate to have a kind and supportive wife. I’m sure there will be lots to sort through, but the first step is behind you.

    Best of luck to you with the rest of your journey, keep us posted. Your story will be helpful to many, that’s why this site is such a great resource for us!

    You have our support and hugs!
     
    #5 21zephyr, Apr 14, 2018
  6. Chip

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    Awesome! That is great news. I would suggest preparing that after a few days there may be some anger and resentment that comes out. This isn't necessarily a bad thing and just means that she's fully processing what's going on. And it will take time for her to figure out what she wants (along with what you want) so there are likely still some challenges ahead. Yet this is the first and most important step, and now both of you can begin to move forward and figure out what the future holds.
     
    #6 Chip, Apr 14, 2018
  7. Sundara

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    Oh my God, congratulations. You have a new chapter in your life now.
    I wish I were you and my wife supports me like your wife. We have different culture (west and east), so my wife supports me to heal my pain as gay and try come back to straight.
    Congrat!
     
    #7 Sundara, Apr 14, 2018
  8. oldpulteney

    oldpulteney
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    She’s still asleep. I am glad she’s getting some rest and not awake and pacing in a panic as I would have expected her to. She said she was very glad she got answers as to why I never looked at her when she came out of the shower. Or glance at her when she is changing. Or that I never looked at women in general. She said ironically that had mad her feel secure that I wouldn’t stray. The funny thing is that eventhough she was looking back and thinking there were cues she was very surprised I am gay. She did say that I am her bestest friend. I’m hopeful we will be able to have an honest friendly relationship.
    I know its not going to be all hunky dory. She had asked me if I was going to come out to any friends. I asked her what I should do. She said how can I when I am married. I don’t know how to interpret that. I guess everything is so fresh I can’t interpret anything right now.
    There was more crying before we fell asleep. I do feel very sad thinking what is going to go through her head when she wakes up. Trying to make her realize that I just didn’t come out to give her answers and that I intend to stay out of the closet will be painful because that means broaching the subject of separation. Well one step at a time.
     
    #8 oldpulteney, Apr 14, 2018
  9. oldpulteney

    oldpulteney
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    @Biguy45: I think its been almost 4 years since I started this journey. a little less than a year since I have been procrastinating. I know its very hard... but you will get there.

    @Silas: We are both from the east. Both South Asian and moved to the US 4-6 years ago. So hopefully your wife might take it better than you think.

    I thank everyone for their kind and encouraging words.
    Are there any other resources besides straight spouse network?
     
    #9 oldpulteney, Apr 14, 2018
  10. anonmember

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    Congratuations! Hope everything goes well!
     
    #10 anonmember, Apr 14, 2018
  11. Hardright

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    I wish you well.

    I came out to my wife about 3 years ago. I would love to tell you that all has gone wonderfully since, but it has not. It has been a bumpy road, and included me diving head first back into the closet and being in denial/avoidance of my sexuality. Peeking my head out again. Of course this does not forcast anything for you, you are not me and I drive much of my own issues.

    Good luck to you, but as I am sure you are aware this is only the start of a journey for you and your wife. Expect a rough road, and be prepared for some difficulty. I hope this does not sound fatalistic it is not intended so. More like a "good luck on your trip but don't forget to take a jack and a spare tire"
     
    #11 Hardright, Apr 14, 2018
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  12. Biguy45

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    I actually almost casually blurted it out to my wife last night but something stopped me. I have been sort of hinting at it, hoping she just figures it out
     
    #12 Biguy45, Apr 14, 2018
  13. IanMkh

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    I do this, too. But I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea, at least for me. First off, this is my thing, not hers. It wouldn't be fair to drop hints, hope she connects the dots, and brings it up. I'm not saying I don't do that - I do - it just doesn't seem fair or completely honest. Also, I think I'll need to be better prepared for a conversation that just having it come up. I frequently, though, have to tell myself to shut up.
     
    #13 IanMkh, Apr 14, 2018
  14. Biguy45

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    I’m sure you are right, it might be the only way I can do it though
     
    #14 Biguy45, Apr 14, 2018
  15. NoName87

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    Congrats, glad you and her are able to respect one another.

    My wife is useing the straight spouse network. It kinda works like a resource finder!
    Based on your situation it connects you with local resources that may be available.

    Also there is this forum
    https://psychcentral.com/
     
    #15 NoName87, Apr 14, 2018
  16. IanMkh

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    Don't sell yourself short. Is there someone else you can tell whom you trust? Maybe a family member? It might help to have a positive experience coming out to someone under your belt before you go in. It may even help to take off some of the pressure you're feeling (btw, stop putting so much pressure on yourself), until you can get yourself together a bit. I plan on telling my sister I'm bi this summer when she visits. We'll see how that goes before deciding what the next thing is to do.
     
    #16 IanMkh, Apr 14, 2018
  17. Biguy45

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    I think one of my nephews is gay, but he hasn’t officially come out. So, possibly him but I’m not sure
     
    #17 Biguy45, Apr 14, 2018
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  18. BiBarefeet

    BiBarefeet
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    I think you did brilliant. But even better, your wife sounds like an amazingly kind and understanding person. Some spouses unfortunately are not in that way of thinking.
     
    #18 BiBarefeet, Apr 14, 2018
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  19. oldpulteney

    oldpulteney
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    Today is day two. Yesterday was a very hard day fort both of us. I saw her go through multiple stages of grief back and forth. We both cried a whole lot. I probably haven't cried in my adult life as much as I did yesterday. For the loss of our relationship. She stands by the fridge and looks and touches the family photos we have put up on the door and cries. That's when I hold her and cry with her. Yesterday it all started to sink in that I'm out of the closet but our relationship as it was is over. She is mourning the loss of her husband. And I guess I'm mourning with her. In.all of this she still realizes that I can't help the way I feel. There was a some bargaining too. That maybe I'm not gay but bisexual. That we should have one more cold and that after that she will leave me alone and focus on her childern. Begging me to stay with her forever. Telling me I'm in only man she's loved or been with when I tell her I love her very much she replies but not the way I love you. You don't look at me the way I look at you. I just wish this wasn't so painful. Well one day at a time. Let's see how today unfolds.
     
    #19 oldpulteney, Apr 15, 2018
  20. Contented

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    You are in a very tough position not to mention your wife , torn between two worlds almost. You did the right thing no matter how painful. Being honest with your loved ones is not easy but nobody said it would be. They must adjust just as you have to a new reality. This is hard for any of us regardless of sexual orientation. Add that factor in with all the associated societal pressures and it becomes a potential mindfield. All that being said you are on the right path for you! Acknowledging that fact that your gay and that won’t change is the only path forward for you. How that effects your relationships and how you live the rest of your life is up to you. I can only say from my experience, once I came to terms with my homosexuality I needed to act on it in order to be honestly who I am. That meant a complete and total break from the hetero world I lived in as a fake for years. The sense of liberation and joy I felt being able to be openly gay has been and continues to be the most rewarding period of my life so far. I love being gay and all it that entails, wouldn’t change anything. Best wishes as you navigate the road ahead. Congratulations on the bravery to embrace the gay you.
     
    #20 Contented, Apr 15, 2018
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