I feel so lost, lonely and depressed.

myskyharbor,

I'm really moved by your account of what you're going through. Please know that you are not alone, you have the strength to figure this out in time, and you are going to make it. I applaud your bravery to look yourself in the eye and ask these questions. Above all, know that you are loved no matter who you are.

I've read so many great responses and I would mainly second Romancer:

I think this is a huge factor in coming out in the United States. I'll expand on my thoughts on these issues and how you might approach listening to your heart and experimenting with being gay.

Culture
Especially in the U.S. we get so many cultural messages and cues that being gay is evil, sick, immoral, inferior, unnatural, or just simply wrong. I'm not trying to paint a grim picture of sorrow or being a victim - I'm saying that you did not grow up in an environment where being gay is okay or even neutral. Even in this supposedly enlightened age homophobia, bigotry, and heterosexism are pervasive in our culture. We absorb this even though we don't realize it.

In just the last few days look at how politics are going in this country. The United States - in the 21st Century - still has an extremely hard time with racial, economic, cultural, and sexual differences. LGBTQ suicide hotlines were flooded on election night, and even prior to this election the rates of LGBTQ suicide and mental illness in the U.S. were absolutely staggering. There are people who would literally rather be dead than gay because of the hatred.

Fear
Now, against that backdrop, ask yourself - what would you do to avoid being in that group? How far would you go to deny, numb, avoid, change, or even kill that part of you that would subject you to that kind of suffering?

I think you are exactly right - your substance abuse and your desire to numb your feelings are from fear. Even from a progressive environment such as yours, the prospect of acknowledging membership in this hated group - and accepting the consequent life changes - could be terrifying.

Maybe in order to move past the fear, you first need to experience it. Just let yourself be with the fear for a while and don't resist it or try to distract yourself. This is a mindfulness approach that your therapist can help you with or you can research. You will eventually feel the fear subside.

Your heart
Once you quiet your fear (for even just a short time) your heart will be able to speak to you. Ask yourself what you're really feeling on a mind, body, and spirit level.

You may feel a flood of emotions, cry, or feel a physical ache. Just accept yourself completely, including your uncertainty. Know that you are already perfect and complete no matter what your sexuality.

What is being gay?
When you are ready to explore being gay without fear or judgment, ask yourself, just what is being gay?

To me, being gay is as much a spiritual and emotional experience as a sexual, physical one. By that I mean that your very core self yearns for connection to the masculine. It's simple and corny, but I think it's accurate - when you meet someone you're really interested in the palms sweat, the voice falters, words fail, and you feel weak. Of course physical desire is there too, but I think the kind of desire that really indicates your orientation happens within the mind, the body, and the spirit. Note that fear may numb you to this experience or you may have avoided acknowledging these feelings in the past out of fear.

Porn and hookups
In my opinion the porn and hookups are like yelling something that can only be heard (by your heart) in a whisper. Combined with fear it's like trying to read a weather vane in a tornado. It's trying too hard without first getting some clarity.

I have nothing against porn, but it probably won't tell you your sexual orientation. It's purely physical, it involves little or no emotion, and it's got no potential to truly change your life the way a real person can. In fact it can be toxic in excess because it skews your sense of what being gay is, and even distorts your sense of intimacy generally.

I also have nothing against hookups, but they also won't tell you your sexual orientation. Like porn, hookups do not have the potential to change your life in any meaningful way but they are fun and have their place. I liken hookups to a snack from a vending machine to tide you over, but they're not a full meal.

Experiment when you're ready
After you've quieted the fear and you're hearing your heart, then I would have sex (even just hookups - carefully) and experiment. Without the fear you may find that the sexual acts generate a feeling of closeness or completion, that they satisfy your yearning, or that you simply need this contact. This is a deeper feeling than the urge you get from porn - it's knowing whether or not the sex you have is connecting with your mind and spirit.

How to experiment?
On a technical note, I would find a "friend with benefits" you trust, and openly ask them if it's okay to experiment without expectation. I would communicate very openly with them, and keep communicating as you're having sex. I would also find a peaceful environment free of distraction, and have plenty of private time set aside. I would turn off the phone, turn off the computer, and forget about everything else.

I wouldn't just jump into sex. Break the ice, get undressed, and just look and touch each other for a while. I would (without fear or judgment) see how his body is shaped, what's curious, what smells nice, what's firm, what's soft, what's hairy. Do you like holding him or allowing yourself to rest your head on his chest? What's it like to lick, massage, or caress?

I'm not trying to write a porn novel, but I just want to suggest that going too fast might skip bits of information you need. Experiment. Be mindful and pay attention to your body, mind, and spirit as you're doing this. If you're fearful then forgive yourself, affirm your beauty and self-worth, and remind yourself that you deserve the answers that come from this. You also deserve the intimacy and connection, if that's what you're feeling.

My "friends with benefits" experiment
I remember a very special guy from college, and we're still friends. As he did the above I was his "friend with benefits". We met several times, and I just let him try what he wanted to try. You see, he was engaged to be married and he couldn't make a wedding vow to a woman unless it was with his complete self - body, mind, and spirit. He satisfied his need to know about men and went on with his life. We're still in touch today, and he's happily married to that same woman. In an ironic way, I'm glad I helped him do that. Had he found that he's gay I would have been equally glad.

Summing up
So my advice is to give yourself enough acceptance and self-love that you can quiet the fear and trust your heart. Approach the question of your orientation on a mind, body, and spirit level. Experiment with hookups when you're ready and be mindful of what you're experiencing.

Sorry if this was long and/or preachy, but I wanted to share as much as I could. Your struggle with self-acceptance is a challenge I know well and I can relate to the fear. Whether you're gay or not, just love yourself and give yourself the freedom to find the answers.

*warm hugs and support*

Patrick

---------- Post added 12th Nov 2016 at 02:31 AM ----------

One more thing - I'm going to try that "masturbation challenge" myself! Sounds pretty mindful to me. ;-)

Patrick

 

Patrick,

This is some of the best advice I've ever seen on EC. This should be kept as a primer. This is so helpful to me. I have found a FWB and am just beginning to explore. This is really helpful! Thank you!!!!

 

You're welcome! Glad it's useful. I'm sorting through my own fears so this is a good thing for me to think about too.

Patrick

 

Beautiful post Patrick. If something is just sexual, it can be a fetish, an inanimate object, porn. Some people might be fine living with those things but they can also get on self destructive paths with them or paths that isolate them from real intimacy. For example a porn addiction can ruin sexual relationships with partners. Thought they might be 'hooked' few people would want to embrace it as their 'identity' they will look at it as a bad habit. l

so if someone thinks gay only = sex then there is little reason to start constructing your life around it.

With me the walls started to come down when I realized that my sexual desires for men were expressions of intimacy but only one expression. Once I started to realize that, I wanted to fully embrace the fact that I am gay, because I realized it was the only way i could really feel intimacy and romantic love.

 

Hey myskyharbor - Have you tried this yet? Here are the rules of the challenge - MB Challenge.

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2016 at 08:11 AM ----------

I assume that your friends are straight and that you are moving into Boston proper where you'll have easier access to the LGBT community? This should work fine as long as you push yourself to do the sexual exploration that you need. I could imagine depending on the friendship they could propose that you go out and pick up chicks. How would you respond to that?

What do you hope to accomplish by reaching out to the ex? I would advise against trying to get back with her until you have more clarity about your sexuality - that would be kicking the can down the road.

 

This thread has helped me a lot.

I'm a woman and I've only fantasized about women sexually since I was in puberty (I'm in my 40s) but not romantically. Over the years, I estimate about 98% of my sexual fantasies involve women (whom I don't know, like in porn) and 2% are straight fantasies (with guys I know personally and have romantically crushed on). I thought I could live a straight life and just keep my lesbian sexual fantasies as just fantasies, but they've lately become overwhelming for reason, seeping into my daily life. I've just been sexually objectifying women my whole life, but I recently went to a lesbian gathering and could feel myself get physically turned on by a real woman I was talking to and wanting to kiss her.

I actually thought for most of my life that I wasn't lesbian, maybe bi, because I have never fallen in love with a woman. But perhaps it's some mental/psychological block that is preventing this? I would love to be able to mesh the physical, romantic and emotional all in one. While I've had sex with guys and have enjoyed it at times, when it came to orgasming, I ultimately had to imagine myself with a woman. And I can't really look at straight porn; have no interest and I find it annoying that the guy is in there.