I'm feeling a bit stuck right now. I'm trying to come up with some way of pushing myself to fully accept everything about who I am, my path, my choices, my needs. The thing that has me stuck st this point is, I have this nagging feeling, no matter how much I rationally think otherwise, that something is internally wrong with me. That I'm screwed up in some way. It's not rational, it's not something I believe rationally. .... I think that my nagging guilt for leaving my ex is related to this; the life that I'm making for myself feels congruent to my needs, but I am left with this feeling that my internal self is just completely fucked up. To put this in perspective I should say that i know rationally that there's nothing wrong with me, but a part of me still feels it, I feel like the person that I am, who's ended up in the path that I have is a person who's really screwed up on the inside. I'm trying to understand and get rid of that feeling, and I don't know what to do. I don't know why it's stuck there.
I think I finally understand what's been holding me back from letting go of the guilt and to just be and just live.... I realise now, I think I do ... I do feel broken, my life feels broken... and it has been, and I have been, but ....so what? I'm not doing everything right, I'm trying, I'm making steps, I eff up and then I try again. I think I have to accept that things get really effed up sometimes, things have gotten really effed up, I have felt really effed up inside sometimes, i really effed up understanding myself, I've not always been me, I have made decisions that led to really hurtful and difficult things for other people, but I'm just doing what we all do... living and learning and falling and failing and every once in a while doing some things right. That's part of being human. I don't think I've ever been able to really accept that there are times where I have failed miserably, its just part of life. It doesn't make me anything but human. I think that's where I am right now in this whole journey, learning to accept that I've made really big mistakes, and that's ok. I don't think I've been able to really confront that feeling until now.
I know this is a terrible analogy, but I got myself past a bad body image years ago by coming to a similar realisation, to love my imperfect body; and I've gotten myself to feel more calm as a mother by coming to a similar realisation, that I'm just trying my best, that motherhood is nothing but a series of trial and error, but as long as my daughter feels love and security it's ok. I think this is no different, I have lived a life with a broken path, a broken understanding of my sexuality, with decisions that have hurt others, but I'm simply doing my best, and I'm righting the wrongs now by making a truer path.
I think so too, I need to find an action that makes me feel catharsis, i think that's what I'm exploring right now, taking away that shame through action. I think Ive only just realised through writing this thread that I haven't really forgiven myself for a lot of my life path, and for coning out late.
Maybe reviewing this would help A Moving Conversation - Here’s some sage advice from @greatwhale on shame including a video clip of Oprah interviewing shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown - https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/a-moving-conversation.402384/#post-5930463
Thank you for that, that whole thread was incredibly helpful and thought-provoking for me. Not only have I not let go of my shame, I've also not grieved properly, well I've grieved but not "let go" of the grief from my lost marriage and from my lost time living in the closet. I don't want to spend time mourning, but I would like to say a final "goodbye" to those things, the life i could have had, and the life I've had. And this vulnerability, I know I need that, to eradicate my shame, and this has been a good reminder of that. This is all very helpful.
My own grieving process was a period of deconstruction then reconstruction where I recreated my world view, a transition from living as a straight man to a gay man. Eventually you may get to a point where you see the world for what it is, free of the emotional BS that kept you in the closet. You will see the heteronormative rituals around you for what they are, a construct of societal and cultural norms. You may even be able to look at your past similarly and view yourself objectively as a participant. When you do, you will release your pain and be truly free. Unfortunately, it's difficult for me to be prescriptive here. This is something that you need to figure out for yourself. Perhaps your answer lies on the path of public performance?
I think I'm trying to reach similar clarity, but I need some kind of act that helps me get there. And something that also provides catharsis. I don't know if performance will get me there, but I think I'm going to give it a go, because it will definitely take me out of my comfort zone and help me grow. I am really close to feeling what you say as truth. But I need to find that sense of clarity somehow for myself... I'm getting there.
While action is required to liberate yourself, you can't control it or force it to happen. A mindset of surrender is required and then your truth will find you. Try performance and see what happens. Perhaps performance is the answer or leads you to the next activity. Keep on moving forward, live in the moment, and find it you will.
I think everyone feels like there is something they can improve about themselves or their lives, and I don't think anyone reaches adulthood without regrets and mistakes (some big ones usually). So I'm not sure it's realistic (or perhaps even healthy) to expect to be free from negative feelings, including that there's "something wrong" with one from time-to-time. I've found often taking action to do something or create something positive is a good way to combat the negative feelings as there's only so much that self-talk and self-understanding can do. Of course, if the negative stuff is irrational then it can be stopped by noting it's irrationality it surfaces, and then filling that space with positives.
