20 year old female. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for over four months now. I’ve worked through a lot of stuff and now I just don’t know where I stand. I *think* I’ve been very much in denial my whole life. About a year ago I started watching a lot of political and queer creators online/YouTube in an effort to become more politically engaged and learn about other minority groups. This is sort of when I think I began opening my mind a little more – not that I was a bigot at all before. I don’t know if this helped me get to a place where I would be able to entertain the idea of being gay (that being gay wasn’t just a big joke), or if I’m just trying to be cool and be part of this community. The tipping point was that I developed this huge crush on a non-binary YouTuber who then came out as a trans woman and I thought that meant my crush would disappear but it got worse as she started presenting female but I increasingly liked her/her appearance more. Also watching drag race, I was so much more into them when presenting female. And just having so many female celebrity crushes. I struggle to use the word ‘attraction’ because I don’t know if it is or if I just admire them/want to be them. One day it just clicked and I was like ‘maybe you’re attracted to women’ and it did make a lot of sense. I had been wishing I was a lesbian for a little while at this point. I have been obsessed with certain females in my real life but I never considered it attraction? I just thought I admired them or wanted to be them or really wanted to be their friend. But I've never had this with men except if I've picked my male crushes at random/switched on my attraction if they showed interest (but didn't know what I'd do if they actually reciprocated), or if they were fictional. I have much more clarity about my lack of attraction to men. I honestly don’t think I’m aro/ace – for now anyway, I’ll consider that as a last resort way down the line. I can picture myself marrying a woman and having a girlfriend and being a lesbian and I desperately want to be gay. I thought I was fine and happy when I thought I was straight, I thought I would just eventually get a male partner even if the thought of it was totally exhausting and sad to me. I thought it was what I wanted. And when I realised being gay was an option I was *so* happy, I can’t even describe it. It makes me feel like I could have a really happy life. I just feel like maybe I’m faking it because I’m so useless at connecting with men? Maybe I’m just wanting this because I find women easier to connect with (all my friends are female) so I think it would be easier? Maybe I do just want to be cool and in the LGBT community and that makes me feel like such a terrible person. I feel literally insane when I wonder if I’ve made this whole thing up just as an escape or an excuse for being a loser who's never had a boyfriend and can't connect with men - even though I've never had a natural urge to connect with men. My biggest roadblock is that I can’t imagine, right now, developing feelings for a woman because this hasn’t happened to me in a while now (I socialise a lot less). I worry that I won’t or can’t and that that life I imagine (settling down with a woman) isn’t accessible to me. Other lesbians seem to just be overflowing with crushes and feelings for women. Most questioning lesbians seem to be struggling with comp het or internalised homophobia but I feel like I’ve worked through all that. Overall I’m not scared of being gay (as in - I'm ready to accept it, I know it won't be the easiest life), I really really want to be gay. I just want to know for sure. I feel like a fraud because I just don’t *know* right now. I’ve never been able to really recognise my past crushes on women in the moment (I think they were crushes but I can’t be sure) so I lack clarity on what a crush feels like or what attraction should feel like (my infatuation with celebrity/real/fictional females feels good whereas my crushes on men are kind of forced and stressful). I don’t know how to differentiate between gay feelings and the feelings for women that straight girls get (like girl crushes, thinking women are pretty, having idols etc.) I don’t want anything to do with men, I don’t think I’m ace-spec so where does that leave me?