I feel like a douchebag coming out to wife

It's been what — a couple of days? This is really, really new for her. It's going to take time, and there'll be all kinds of twists and turns along the way, many of which you won't have anticipated. But it WILL get better. My advice to you is not to press the issue. I think she'll soon realize that her demand that you be chaste — for up to three years! — is not only unreasonable, but counterproductive.

 

Congrats on coming out to her. I'm sure there are so many, many emotions tied to it and all the reactions, but one has to be relieving to tell her. I agree with Weston. I know it's hard to picture yourself still having to be patient, but give it a little bit longer for her emotions to settle in. She loves you. She'll want you to be happy. Pressing the issue at a later time may be the best thing to do. For now, try assuring her you want to be part of a team that helps put the pieces together for all of you

 

You are incredibly eager to date, move on, etc. I hope you have made an appointment for individual counseling.

Ending a long relationship, shaking your kids' world to its core, etc should be giving you pause. Why not take a breath and work towards ending your marriage in a respectful manner while allowing yourself time to heal before jumping out there?

In rereading your posts, I noticed that your youngest child is 6 months old. Your wife is likely still dealing with hormonal changes and exhaustion from having a new baby. She likely is overwhelmed with the thought of being a single mom based on what is happening right now. (unless you aren't a particularly involved parent, but even so when you are there you are an extra set of hands, ears and eyes) Thus the request for you to stay indefinitely.

I think you ought to consider slowing down your own journey as she catches up with you...

 

Her latest request of your staying indefinitely and attempting to control who you can see and when is unreasonable and ridiculous. Your response should be "no." Since she's threatened scorched earth, I would start to find a divorce attorney and start to get a legal plan in place to mitigate this threat.

Having said that, you seem to be a bit too impatient for your own good. It appears that you came out to her without sufficient preparation and now your are rushing to meet with guys. You will ignore and discount what I'm about to say because everyone does; however, it would be a huge mistake to start dating guys so soon after coming out. It will end badly. You are still on the coming out high and subsequent roller coaster of emotions. You will undoubtedly make really poor choices in this state of mind. Realistically you need to let things settle before you are ready to date.

You've had several years to accept and process your sexuality. You're wife needs more than a few days to process your message and come to terms with it; it will probably be months.

 

She has had two days to digest this news. And she has a new baby and two other children. Your expectations of her are likely not reasonable. "Have a plan! Have it now! I need to move on! I need your blessing! Let me go!"

How about getting some counseling individually for yourself. Regardless of the situation, it is never a good idea to jump from relationship into another. (Before anyone argues, it can work out occasionally, but generally rebound relationships don't work.) You are rocking everyone's world that you supposedly value -- try to put yourself in her position

A few weeks isn't adequate. Slow yourself down or you will end up making lots of bad decisions.

 

justrob,

Going through this thread I'm amazed at how much you've gone through, and of course at the journey you will be going through. Great job on acknowledging an important but difficult truth about yourself and acting in integrity.

As you go through this difficult time, please bear in mind that your sexuality is innate and that you likely never "chose" it. You're not a douchebag for coming out to her, you're not selfish for ending your marriage, and you're not in the wrong for simply wanting a partner that you passionately love. It sounds like you only recently fully realized you're gay and that you've been acting in good faith all along.

That being said, you're going to lose some of the familiar landmarks that were so comforting while living as a straight man. After you're past the initial stages of divorce you'll need to think about how you want to be in a gay relationship, and what values will drive your choices. With the pain of divorce you've now earned the ability to live an authentic life, but that will come with all the work of creating an authentic life.

I agree with previous authors that you should probably hold off on any kind of dating until the divorce is going in a mutually beneficial direction and you're feeling better about yourself. If you're feeling like a "douchebag" you're probably not ready to date and create a relationship based on your self-worth. When the time does come to date, remember that you actually haven't changed much (you've just accepted who you actually are) and that you can just be yourself. Self-confidence is hugely attractive in the gay world too!

Not to sound like mom, but take good care of yourself. Get lots of sleep, eat well, get exercise, and give yourself a lot of love right now. You might want to read books about coming out and learning how to live as a gay man. I would recommend the author Joe Kort to get started; he has a lot to say on authenticity.

So in summary - congratulations on taking the risk to find authenticity! You've obviously just turned a major corner in your life. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, fight for yourself, and don't ever be sorry for who you are.

*warm hugs, loving embrace*

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

Rob,

Your last post strikes a better tone for sure. Look back over this entire thread and notice the roller coaster of your emotions in just such a short time. This is the proof you need that your thoughts and feelings are erratic. I have felt each and every emotion you have written about here. I know very well the desire to escape and head off to your new gay life. You also know and realize that this will take time.

It's totally normal and natural that you don't want to waste one more minute on your marriage that feels all but over. "Why wait, what's that going to accomplish?" I understand. There is an answer, though. It will hopefully accomplish putting you and your family in a better position to move on. It will help your wife come to a place of acceptance and peace about this much easier and sooner. It will help you in your future relationship with your kids.

Look, Rob, the gay world will still be there in 6, 9 months or even a year from now. I'll still support you even if you decide to move out tomorrow, but in my honest opinion you will regret not giving your family enough time to get through this. You have rocked her world, and she will need some time to adjust to this. It took my wife about three months before I felt that she is in a much more accepting place.

Good luck. ride:

 

justrob,

I've never been married, so please take this for what it's worth.

Don't overlook another benefit in this situation - you are now able to authentically (platonically) love your wife. Let her know that you still love her and that you want her to have someone who loves her passionately. In time she may see that this is an opportunity for her to find this.

I suspect that communication is the key right now. You could simply ask her what she needs from you right now. Does she need you to spend time with the kids? Does she need you to plan some time off work to be with the family? As odd as it sounds, would a short day trip for the family be a way to distract from the immediate tension? In my opinion you can still be a family of choice even though your legal definition as family will end. You may even find this time with them the best, since you're not wearing a mask.

In brief, I think you can find ways to be engaged with your wife and kids even through this change. I also agree with others that you should probably avoid any major decisions or changes for at least 3-6 months. During that time, be there for your "family of choice" with this newfound opportunity for authenticity.

*warm hugs*

Patrick
Seattle, WA


*warm hugs*

Patrick

 

Thank you for clarifying your feelings on this issue. It is NOT too much to ramp up the 5%, in fact you will need to do it. I'm not sure you even need to wait a few months. You can begin in small ways at first. I am already doing that bit by bit to not only make me more comfortable in the gay world, but giving my family the time we need to heal.

I have spent some time at our local LGBT Community Center. I made my first visit to a gay bar and already planning my next one. I've done a lot of reading and research on all things LGBT that I ignored while in the closet for so long. I have a couple of gay friends and we spend time talking and hanging out.

I've been out for 4 months now, and within the next couple of months I will begin looking for guys to date, and working that in to my life.

I'm ok with baby steps. It helps everyone get comfortable with it, including me. Sure, I could have already hooked up and had sex with many men by now since coming out. Believe me, I have certainly longed for it. But I'm also content to let this process proceed slowly.

Holding things together for now and slowly working more LGBT into your life as time goes on is, in my opinion, the best option for going forward, especially for a situation where a "scorched earth" threat has been expressed. She will likely back down from that position in time. It comes from fear and anger, so just recognize the emotion for what it is - and know that it's not permanent.

Keep posting your progress. There will continue to be many ups and downs along the way.

Take care. ride:

 

justrob - Congratulations on taking a tremendous first step.

By far, THE very best thing I did after coming out to my wife was to fulfill a pledge I made to a stranger to attend the "Bi/Gay Married or Once Married" Men's group hosted by the Pacific Center in Berkeley. That group is all the best parts of this forum and so much more.

Because you've decided to give your wife some time to adjust, this 100% platonic group can serve as a vital bridge to your 2.0 life. Hook-ups, FWBs and even BFs tend to come and go - but true friends who have your back, and totally get how you feel and what you're going through - those are not easy to find. Balancing a former wife, kids and dating men is not something many people genuinely understand, but most of the men in the group are in exactly that position, each in his own place on the continuum.

It's so helpful to learn from others' experiences, especially when they're just a few steps ahead of you.

Each meeting is a little different, depending who shows up and what they want to talk about. To get the most out of the group and understand its potential, I suggest attending at least four times.

For meeting info, check out the website for the Pacific Center in Berkeley.

 

Hey,

I came out to my husband about two months ago and it feels like a life time. I'm taking it slow and believe me that I want to take it slow. Lesbian women around my age arnt exactly plentiful so I'm going to focus my career first and land myself a decent paying job.

Wishing I could make seven figures like you, I would take up something new like a hobby. I know you want to go live the gay life but there are other aspects of you too. Balance is key.

But I hope you're well and I wish you luck. It's a little scary especially coming out to the family but it's worth it. I'm not sure I agree to be coming 'authenticity gay' but that's one way to look at it. I take it more like opening that cage and just walking around. Streching your legs that you never knew you had. Flapping those wings you thought were clipped.

Keep us updated.

 

I think you're just getting a glimpse into a new world that you're creating, and it sounds like you're having a constructive dialogue with your wife. This sounds like a new chapter in your love for each other as you are supporting each other.

You're not writing too much or being too needy. We're here for you so please let us know how you're doing and how we can help.

Patrick

 

I would just second the suggestion you attend the support group in Berkeley. We have something very similar here in Seattle, and it's been immensely helpful for many men in our situation. I wouldn't wait until you think you're emotionally stable enough — just go! I'm pretty sure you won't be required to speak unless you want to. Lots of guys don't say much to start. You'll be in good company.

 

Deep breaths! Your brain is moving a mile a minute right now, and you definitely need time to allow your thoughts to settle before you do anything that might add to the general swirl going on in your lives right now. That will be crucial for you as you transition to whatever your new life ends up being long term, and help your wife in whatever way you can (or she allows you to), but more importantly, for your children.

Many aspects of your story resonate with me, including the Catholic upbringing and even the 9-year mark being a turning point. My homosexuality was never very far under the surface, but I grew up in a small town with a large and (at least on the surface) positive and loving big extended family, and had no concept that being gay (or even single) was a thing--you got married, you had a bunch of kids and that was that. I assumed all guys felt like I did and meeting the right girl was what changed that. In my case the "right girl" came with a whole lot of emotional mess, and by the time we were married for 9 years and had 2 kids, I knew that 1) the gay wasn't going away, and 2) she had some major issues that were not going away, ever. #2 was much more the thing killing our marriage and we talked divorce, but in the end I was afraid of leaving her with custody of the kids, and suspected that creeping quietly out of the closet after a divorce would only make things worse. So I stuck it out for another 10 years, thinking that she'd eventually leave, because she was clearly totally dissatisfied with our life. But she never did, and I finally used coming out as the bomb to nuke our marriage.

The point is - while I wouldn't encourage anyone to sit around for 10 years as I did, those extra years with close, daily contact with our kids were golden and helped me form a strong, positive bond with them. Kids are affected by things in ways we adults have forgotten, and can be amazingly accepting of many things, while reacting negatively to things we wouldn't expect them to be upset by. You're very young; you have lots of time to think about what you want life as a gay man to be like, and head in that direction. Your kids need you in their lives, one way or another. And your time with them--even now, living in the same house with them--is amazingly limited, and a gift that will keep giving forever if you make them first while you have the chance. They can be the quiet center in the busy and changing life you lead, and help put the rest into perspective. As much as I would have liked to have made the changes I did much sooner, I've never regretted putting my own desires on hold long enough to just be their dad.

I'll also echo the support groups. Finding other people who have experienced what you are going through is a huge help, and a welcome surprise. In my area there's even a Catholic group that's not directly affiliated with the diocese (it's a little too accepting for that!), but has branches in multiple parishes in the area, and it's been great. There are a number of people in it who were married, had kids, came out and moved on to new lives. In fact, two of the couples, one male and one female, recently got married (not in the church, obviously, but the parish deacon was part of the ceremony, and a member of one of the couples is the president of her parish council). There are ways to mesh the life you have with the life you want to move towards. Give yourself and your family time to adjust and figure out what normal might end up being, and then start moving in that direction. Things can work out remarkably well! Good luck to you.

 

I'll forth the support group. You are going through the process of coming out at midlife, and it would be very beneficial for you to be around other gay men who are / have gone through the process. You'll find emotional support to counterbalance the roller coaster and the group will help you learn how to be gay by being around gay men. I went to a support group after coming out, and it combined with EC was very valuable as I navigated the transition from closeted married man to out gay dad.

 

Early 30's is mid-life? Damn, I'd better start painting rainbows on my wheelchair. :roflmao:

 

Justrob, congratulations on taking that first huge step and beginning the conversation with your wife. Now you have to keep talking. It's going to take a while to figure out your paths going forward. What you each think you want today may be very different in a few weeks.

When I came out to my wife (of nearly 35 years) in August she pushed me to see a counselor/therapist. I was resistant, but it turned out to be a good thing.

Over time, my wife and I agreed to divorce. But we're also planning to continue as business partners and to continue sharing the house on 5 acres we bought 3 years ago and both love. We may reconsider these choices in the future, but for now we're going to dissolve the marriage and remain friends. Our finances aren't nearly as generous as yours appear to be, so that definitely enters the equation.

Your path will likely be different than ours. The point is that you'll find a way forward. Figuring it out isn't easy, painless, or quick. Good luck!