Hi, I'm very new to the forums but I'm desperate. Basically, im 17. I developed very young, and have been having sex for four years now. I have had sexual experiences with 6 or 7 girls, and only once with a guy. I pretend i'm some macho guy, but in reality I just really want to be held and protected (I've always preffered being the little spoon in bed with a girl). For the last year I have questioned my sexuality, even though I watched gay porn every so often very contently for about a year before that. I guess i just didnt think anything of it. I am a big supporter of gay rights, and I will openly defend them even in a room of straight homophobic males. But after my only sexual experience with a guy, I felt sick and dirty for some reason, I really cannot explain it because Id fantasised about it for months beforehand. But I felt dirty. Recently my sexual attraction to girls has significantly decreased and i've found myself avoiding chances to have sex with girls. Also, whenever I get aroused I always seem to start to feel really gay and want a relationship with a guy, but then as soon as im not aroused, I feel straight again and I just want a boring not-much-sex relationship with a girl. Im so confused, can anybody give me some advice?
Well with "feeling dirty" when having sex with a guy... are you emotionally attached to other men or only sexually drawn to them? Also there is a lot of pressure and many stigmas that you may have subconsciously connected with having sex with another man. If you're unable to become aroused by women at all, but picture relationships with them, it may be due to your history of having relationships with them. However, you may just have always pictured yourself with a woman and that's just what you automatically picture.
im only sexually drawn to men, its a really strong feeling, but also vague. I know i want to be with a guy, but im not sure what about it makes me want it.
Seems like a bit of denial. I was the same when I was getting aroused. I'd masturbate strictly to gay porn and just gay thoughts in general, but as soon as it was over it went back to "This was just to do the job, I'm actually straight and I really love this girl". The guilt stopped after I finally accepted myself.
we are soo fing similar!!! to saltandice try picturing that you are straight or gay. You know? Just try admiting one or the other. how does that make you feel? that way you could tell,like when you're deciding between what to eat for dinner and you flip a coin. 99% of the time you know the answer as the coin is in the air...! the other 1% you know when you see the result. you will just know. One or the other will make you feel better...i guess good luck john
I'd agree with the other posts. It seems to me you have what's called "internalized homophobia". Basically, you've been so used to imagining a future with a women (from influences ranging from your own day dreams, to media, family, movies, and everywhere else) that imagining a future with a man makes you uncomfortable and may even repulse you. I too am quite masculine, and during my teen years, had sexual encounters with both sexes. I also prefer to be the little spoon, and crave the feeling of safety and security provided by a strong guy. And when I was about your age, I would often fantasize about guys and after it was over, imagine myself cuddling with a cute girl...Since accepting myself and getting used to the idea, I've come to desire a relationship with another guy in all aspects. Only you can decide what's right for you, but know you always have a community more than willing to help you figure it all out!
I first had sex with a guy when I was twelve, I remember feeling somewhat disgusted (especially whilst I performed oral sex on him) but I realized I enjoyed sex with him about four days after it actually happened. It takes time and it's perfectly normal to feel peeved out.
