I have nobody to hug, nobody to vent to, nobody to understand me. (Although you can make the argument of the fourms) Things have gotten so bad to a point where im numb to emotion. I for some reason still cry even though i cant feel my emotions. I guess its just too much for me to handle. I dont even feel suicidal anymore. I just feel really uncomfortable. I really wish i was born straight. I do anything to change my sexuality. I cant even express myself the way i want to which makes me feel even more uncomfortable. Living as a gay guy is truly hell. I really wonder what straight people mean when they say they have it bad. It really makes me wonder. They dont have to worry if people will accept their sexuality or how they express themselves. Its gotta feel really good to be straight. I actually finally came to terms with my sexuality completly last week. My mom doesnt even accept me, and i know i have to give her time, but the thing is, she was so damn homophobic from the start! It was hard enough for me to come out to her in the first place. All i feel like doing right now is to hug someone let out some kind of emotion, some kind of feeling. Do you even feel like you're not normal for being gay? I hear the kids in my class talking about the girls in other classes all the time. Expressing their feelings for them, talking about what makes them like them. And then theres me, the kid who sits in the back of the classroom, reads his books, trys not to get involved, then when pulled in covo, tries talk a little then leave it. Yeah that one wierd lonely kid. Thats me. What good am i anyway. Yeah im good with drawing, cooking, sewing, writing, binge watching and im the tech guy everyone goes to when they "need me". But honestly what is that. Im gay. While those may give me a good 6 points, being gay is a -7. Im just in a really unusual mood thats all.
Hey Nero360, I hear you! We've 'talked' quite a bit here on EC. Would you prefer a supportive post from me or tough love?
You may not know us in real life Nero, but we are real people, responding from a place of care, love and support, and even though you may not see yourself in a good light right now, we do. I know how hard it is to deal with your sexuality at a young age. I repressed my feelings for a long time, and just like you, I remained silent when everyone was talking freely about girls. I really believed I was the only one at school who was gay, but I later realised that some of the boys who talked about girls were simply covering the tracks of their own sexuality. While I was trying to avoid dishonesty, they were lying their heads off. When I discovered this it really bothered me, but now I understand that they were locked in the same battle as me, but dealing with it in a different way. You may think you are alone, but really, you are not. Yes, there are challenges to being gay and we have to overcome them, and when you are still at school and living under the care and authority of your parents, it can be difficult, but it does get better, I promise you. I am living proof of that fact and there is nothing that I have done that you can't do too. Wishing you were straight, or wishing for something else will bring you more pain and distress Nero. You don't need to be anything other than the person you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And let me tell you that it's not plain sailing for people who are straight either. They may not face the same challenges as members of the LGBT community, but life is really no easier for them. I can tell you with absolute certainty that some straight people have hellish lives and relationships. Your feelings are real and they are important and that's why I am pleased to see you writing here. You need an outlet and people to share the coming out journey with, because it can get lonely when you are travelling that bumpy road alone. That's why we are all here - journeying together! I don't know if your mom is aware of PFLAG, but if she is struggling to come to terms with everything it might be good for her to make contact with them, or at least visit their website and check out the resources: www.pflag.org Looking at your post there was a lot of negative and catastrophic language and you need to be careful with that. I know it's a reflection of your mood and the distress you are feeling, but when we are excessively down on ourselves it becomes self fulfilling. You are normal. You are good. You are not weird. You are gay, just like I am gay and you will do great things in life. It may not feel like it now, but it will happen. (*hug*)
Hey Nero, I was hoping to spark a discussion with you, but it seems like you went offline before I posted by response last night. Your post makes it seem like you want to talk. I’d be happy to talk to you either on this thread or on our Walls, if you like. Anyway, I just want to build on PatrickUK’s post is excellent. Definitely see if you can get your mom to check out the PFLAG website, if you can. It sounds like she still has quite a way to go to understand and accept you homosexuality. Just like you had to go through a process to understand and accept (Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance) your own sexuality, she has to deal with it in her own timeframe. Don’t put yourself down. You are a wonderful person. You yourself list many things that you are good at. With the possible exception of “binge watching”, all of those are great skills to have in life. Where did you come up with that point scale? Your sexuality is a very small part of who you are and most people won’t care. Just because you are shy/have social anxiety, that doesn’t reflect on your worth as a person, it just makes it hard for you to interact with others. That is something that you will most likely overcome as you get older. As far as being straight goes, you aren’t and you can’t change that. But even some straight people struggle with finding people who like and accept them – and none of that usually has to do with their sexuality. At some point in their lives, pretty much everyone wants to just ‘be normal’ and fit in. The reality is that we are all unique individuals and that is something to embrace and revel in. The world would be a very boring place if we were all just the exact same. And what is going on with the guy in your class that you are trying to make friends with? As you said, you could definitely use a friend IRL right now. You mostly sound like you are lonely right now. Nothing you said is an unsurmountable object to having a great life and a bright future. Finally, we here at EC support you and care about you, so talk to us whenever you get frustrated. Take Care. Stay strong, my friend!
Hey Nero, I was also the tech guy that everyone goes to for computer fixing, stereo/TV hookups, basically anything electronic. I still am. For me, I turned that knack into a career. Please know that although this period of your life is difficult, high school won't last that much longer (At 16 years old, a couple of years seems like a lifetime, but trust me, it's not). Soon, you'll leave high school and its awful social environment and be on your way to a new life for yourself. It does sound like friendships is what is missing from your life. I've always found, and still do, that the best way to make friends is through shared interests. For you, it may be through your interests in drawing, cooking, sewing, writing, or in tech, or perhaps even binge watching. Your posts here tell me that you are an intelligent, caring, and sympathetic young man - qualities that are truly assets for you in the real world if not in high school. You have a long life ahead of you, so don't sweat the small stuff. Keep your mind focused on your studies and your grades, make friends if you can, and just get through it. Brighter days are ahead. Take care. ride:
