I don't know how much more I can take (this is so long you will not read it all)

Hi Gillian, I'm glad that you finally decided to start posting.

I did read it all.

I feel for you and your situation.

Please be strong.

One day at a time.

(*hug*)

 

Gillian, you can get through today.

When the next day comes, you can get through the next day.

Sometimes , that's really all that can be done.

In time your situation will sort itself out.

The most important thing to do right now is to hold on.

(*hug*)

 

First: Welcome. I'm very sorry this is so hard for you. It sounds terrible.

Second: I'm going to give you some nasty tasting medicine here.

You have NOT destroyed him!

YOU HAVE NOT DESTROYED HIM. Nothing you've done would give you the power that he claims you have over him, and frankly that YOU claim you have over him.

Rather, the reverse seems much closer to the truth.

His behavior is his problem. He needs to manage his meds and move on. Please, try and separate MORE from him, and get into therapy if he does try something.

If you don't have kids, then get away from him and start your new life with someone that can give you an orgasm.

I hope and pray he'll do the same but you CANNOT CONTROL HIM.

 

Welcome to EC, Gillian! Or, more accurately, welcome to your first post!

First off, your English is excellent. I wouldn't have guessed it wasn't your first language.

Don't apologize for the length of your post. I'll bet you feel better just getting it off your chest. A little?

While my story isn't the same as yours, I've read multiple posts from others with similar stories. You probably have too so you know that you mustn't blame yourself for any part of how your husband feels. We are all responsible for how we react to things. Him included. He is manipulating you with his threats of suicide. I can't remember who advised this but the next time he does that, tell him you will call the police if he tells you that again. You are not responsible for saving his life. He needs help. From a professional not you.

Of course you feel bad that he's been negatively impacted by the current situation but you aren't doing this on purpose so he cannot blame you. And neither should you blame yourself.

Is therapy possible? I think you could benefit; in order to feel better about yourself and be able to stand up for yourself against him.

As I'm typing this I just saw where you said this wasn't about you, it was more about him. Guess what. This is about you. You first. You. You. You. It's time for you. Why do you have to take second place? You have just as much right as anybody to be happy.

Make a list of things that will make you happy and or move you forward and take steps to work your way through the list. You've been lurking long enough. Time to live now.

...and post, post, post...

 

Hello Gillian, and welcome!

Okay. You must listen now. You did NOT destroy him. If he even is "destroyed" (which is dubious), he did it to himself. It is NOT your problem. If he decides to try to commit suicide, that is on him. He is a grown-ass man and must take responsibility for his own actions. If he is threatening you with suicide, that is abusive. CapColors is absolutely right...you need more distance from him, right now.

My husband pulled all sorts of shenanigans when I left my marriage. He blamed me, he blamed my sexuality, he blamed my girlfriend, he even blamed my parents for "raising me wrong". He blamed everyone except himself. He threatened murder, suicide, financial ruin, emotional/social ruin, you name it. Did I feel bad about it? Hell, yes. What did I do about it? I WALKED AWAY.

This is what you must do now.

I understand that you care about him and you are worried about what he might to himself, but you really can't control that, and you will make yourself crazy trying to. You are not responsible for him. You are only responsible for you.

You need to take care of yourself now. That is important. You need to be kind to yourself and love yourself, because you deserve it, and you haven't done anything wrong. And by all means, find yourself a nice woman who will give you orgasms!!

And yeah we all love Mellie. She is an inspiration.

 

Good one, Cap!!

 

Hey Gillian!

Welcome to EC! I want to echo Caps -- you DID NOT destroy him. Perhaps he has a more dominant personality, and you have a much more submissive one, but it sounds like the situation has been manipulated to suit him and his feelings. You did not destroy him because you're a lesbian, or questioning that you're a lesbian. Yes. I'm sure it created a lot of upset, but it's no different than if you'd became distant because of his depression issues, and wanting to leave just because of that. He may feel devastated, but he is not destroyed. I agree that you should separate further. Stop the phones calls, stop the guilt trips -- it's not fair to you, and it's not your responsibility to be his saving grace. No one can be that for anyone in any efficient way, especially in a situation like this.

I don't mean to be brash, but I really hate when someone threatens their own life to guilt trip someone into staying with them. It's manipulation, and emotionally abusive. Don't give him the upper hand by giving into it. If he did kill himself, that would have absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if he is trying to make it seem like it would - it's just manipulation to make you feel bad, and frankly, is pathetic. Do you want to be with him solely because he might kill himself if you do leave? Do you want to babysit him for the rest of his life, make his happiness since he's proclaimed it relies solely on you, and live a life just for him? I know he must mean a lot to you, you did after all marry him - but people move on. People grow apart all the time, and go on to live happy, separate lives either on their own, or with someone new. It's not worth your misery. YOU deserve happiness, too.

My last boyfriend got a little abusive towards the end. I needed space from him, and his last words to me were, "if you break up with and stop talking to me, I'm going to hate you forever." He was extremely bitter, but he caused a lot of the issues in our relationship, and I told him that I was sorry if he felt that way, but I needed a break. Things you described in your relationship ring true for me. The wanting sex to be over with, wanting to cry after it sometimes. I didn't even want him touching me sometimes. I think this just happens when you've completely disconnected from that person - and that's okay. It's not like it just happened over night while everything was going great, and I don't think that's your situation - it seems a lot has led up to this point. There's nothing anywhere saying that you need to stay in a situation that doesn't feel good anymore, or makes you unhappy. Does it suck for the other person? Yes. Sometimes it really does. But you can't be miserable, and something inside of you--I feel even despite the possibility of being a lesbian--is perhaps deeply unhappy with your current situation. You just may not be good for each other anymore.

I understand your frustrations of questioning later in life, and feeling like you have to start all over again when you felt like you had a grasp on the way things would turn out: married to a man, the career, the kids, the house, the cooking. I still go back and forth, too. It's still the same amount of pain and confusion, wondering if I'm treading into territory that isn't correct and I should just quit while I'm ahead. Obviously it's harder for those with any added baggage, but it would be a mind screw to figure out at any stage in life. I think you've made a really healthy decision to be apart from him right now, and I encourage you to create further distance where you can explore yourself and your wants in every facet of your life. And keep posting here!!

And I wanted to add that I'm sorry about your trigger crush. They've all got the same essence. I love how you said she belonged to everyone and no one ... how damn true that rings even for my trigger. Just know that you're going to be okay. If you choose happiness and what is authentic to you. You will be okay.

Sending you hugs.

---------- Post added 18th Dec 2015 at 09:37 PM ----------

^^ and all of this.

 

I just also wanted to let you know that you did not destroy him, and you have the right to find yourself, to be happy. I know it's tough, please be strong, and you will get through this.

 

Hey and welcome. I second, third, whatever what everyone else has said. You didn't destroy him. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Look after yourself first and foremost.
And get out there and start dating already

 

Way to go Gillian! You've taken the first step which is to tell your story and share your pain. As you see, many of us read it all, and we're telling you to make a life for yourself apart from your ex.

It sounds like you have tried your very best. You are not responsible for his life, but for your own. If necessary, move away from him because he is trying to manipulate you and control your life. It's sensible, not selfish, to move on.

 

Stop - STOP
My strong suggestion - through my own experience and others is that YOU need to walk away from this relationship and keep walking - cut all ties
He is not threatening suicide because of you it is because of him and his personality / mental state -- yes break ups are hard esp if the person didn't want it - but someone who is stable enough will seek sources inner and outer to move on ..
He is using manipulation and it's working -

Claim who u are and move on -- it's almost guaranteed he will too --
If he ends his life which lets face it is unlikely it is his doing - his responsibility is to seek help in the right place

For you focus on your recovery and getting well yourself
Guilt is a useless emotion -

Self care is important here

---------- Post added 19th Dec 2015 at 02:54 AM ----------

My ex was the same - blame blame blame
I didn't essentially get out the relationship because I now know I'm gay -
I got out of it because he didn't deal with things , take responsonsibilty , and when it all ends a person like this only makes the reasons why look even more obvious

Keep walking ....

 

Yeah You! Time to give yourself the love you deserve. Time to give yourself a hug from your head to your toes allowing yourself the moment to just be Gillian. Take a nice bath, take a walk, have a cup of tea and breathe.

You have a community here to support you through this. Don't be afraid to rant and don't be surprised that there are so many of us that will read each character of your posts and then respond.

Go love yourself first - J

 

Yes, times a million! (and echoing what everyone else has said).

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you see a therapist? That might help you separate yourself from him, because it is emotionally abusive to do that to you. Keep talking here if it helps.

 

You know, maybe if you hadn't realized your sexuality, maybe he would be in a better place right now. But who's to say what would trigger him next? Because it sounds like something would. I think a good first step is try talking to a therapist to help ease your burden. And keep posting here!

 

Hi. I read your entire post too. And everyone's responses. I think the folks here are right about him manipulating you in really awful ways. It sounds like he's doing his best to keep you pulled into his orbit by scaring/intimidating you into staying there. Probably that's not good for either of you. And I agree with the general sentiment that the surest path to you landing in a better place is to cut off contact with him. And it also sounds like you aren't ready for that. It's a pretty big leap to make. A lot of us here understand (in many cases from experience) how hard it is pull out of a situation like that. Usually it doesn't happen overnght. And I think it's great that you are putting it all out here for us to see, and many of us here will be happy to provide support no matter where you are on your path and no matter how slowly you make your way down it.

Also, I VERY FIRMLY believe that you would only be responsible for his death if you actually killed him. Really. Regardless of his opinion on the matter.

Best to you.

 

I read the entire post, and I will tell you what many others have probably said/will say, you need to be strong and need to try your best to move on. I've know people who try to manipulate others, and that's exactly what he's doing. I've seen this before. He wants you to feel guilty and like trasht so that you'll go back to him. As you said, you went through all this because you felt you had to. He probably has a similar mentality, thinking that marriage is something he has to do and is more important than life itself and sees your leaving and wanting to explore the possibilities of your orientation as as threat to what he feels he has to do. He was probably programed into being the way he is and is using you as a scapegoat. As much as you may sympathize with him, it's important that you say "You need help. Go to a therapist." And try to leave him for good if you feel it necessary. Don't let him manipulate and control you. If you want to explore and experiment and be free, you shouldn't let him tell you no. He's trying to drag you down, so I say jetizen the extra weight. Spread your wings and fly girl! You are you! You're not his slave! He don't own you! Be strong! Be free! Sorry if I'm too harsh, but I tend to be brutal when I try to give others advice and support. I'm like Shia LaBeouf with the "just do it" thing. Stay strong!

-Best wishes. *Hugs* ^-^ <3