1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't feel queer enough

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Vav, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. Vav

    Vav Guest

    There's several reasons why I don't feel queer enough. The first reason is my sexuality itself. I do find girls attractive, but I get insecure about how strong my feelings are. I also get insecure about my feelings for guys. I find certain guys good looking and I'm never sure if I'm attracted to them.

    I get the most anxiety about my feelings for guys when they flirt with me and I enjoy it. Especially when I'm with people I know and they act all happy about it. If I act like I enjoy the flirting, I'm scared they'll think I'm into guys.

    The other thing that causes anxiety is how feminine I am. When I was a kid I was a classical girly girl. I loved wearing dresses, having long hair and playing with dolls. When I grew up I got less girly. Mainly because of fashion and practicality. At the moment I'm not presenting as femininely as I want. I just look like a typical lazy girl. Whenever I make my appearance more feminine I feel happier and less awkward. I'm scared I'll have to deal with more sexism if I make myself look more feminine. I'm also scared people will be less likely to take my sexuality seriously. Especially if I seem like I enjoy flirting with guys.
     
  2. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    Be who you are. Dress the way you want, act the way you want, just be true to yourself. Yes, there are stereotypes, but you don't have to fall into any category. I think this will come more naturally in time.
     
  3. YinYang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Florida
    Are you heterosexual and heteroromantic? If not, then you're queer. It's that simple. The strength of your attraction doesn't matter, and your femininity/masculinity doesn't matter. Just be yourself. Like afgirl said, you don't need to fall into stereotypes.
     
  4. atomic dorito

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2016
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    JACKSONVILLE
    I can relate to you, i've been in your place and i still am. my attraction to women is very strong, while attraction to men is really only what's in their pants. I think it's natural to enjoy compliments and flirting, it makes you happy because it boosts confidence. and people will take you seriously, even if you are girly. in fact, being yourself would help you in a lot of ways.
     
  5. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,360
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Queer is a word that can be reclaimed by anyone who isn't completely cis and straight. You experience attraction to women, so you're not straight. That's all it takes. If you want to call yourself queer, then you're queer. You don't have to look a certain way. You don't have to be only attracted to women (lots of bisexual women choose to reclaim the word queer; they're still "queer enough"). There are no requirements other than not being both cis and straight, and you're not straight.
     
  6. SHACH

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I mean I often feel not gay enough to be gay and not bi enough to be bi (in the way that... I seem more like a lesbian in denial to people) but queer literally has no definition except "not straight and/or cis" and is often embraced specifically for its ambiguity. So if your sexuality is hard to pin down but you're not just straight then yeah, you're definitely queer. And if you're feminine and that makes you happy, fucking go for it. Both guys and girls love someone feminine and happy in their femininity. People are pretty aware these days about how queer girls can be feminine due to some examples in popular culture, so if they really don't take you seriously at all then they don't really have enough respect for you. Also, all women will get a heckload of sexism in different forms no matter their gender expression... femme girls will get cat called and not taken seriously, tomboyish girls bullied into femming up and butch girls insulted and aggressed. So really, its one of those things you have to deal with - it probably won't effect you in any dramatic way.
     
  7. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Queer enough for whom? Queer enough for what purpose?
     
  8. Vav

    Vav Guest

    Think of it this way. What makes me different from any other girl my age who's curious about girls? It's obviously not my physical appearance. I've tried to dress goth, punk and androgynous, but I can never really pull that look off. I always think I'm too mainstream, feminine or wholesome looking. Whenever I try to look androgynous I just end up feeling awkward and kind of depressed.
    It might not even be my sexuality. My sexuality can be very confusing. Just like it is for curious girls. Maybe I'm secretly straight or bi. I constantly have anxiety about that. If I'm bi and feminine looking I just don't feel enough of a distance to curious girls. How can I prove to myself and other people I'm not that girl?
     
  9. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,360
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Think about it this way: would you ever dare tell a bi girl that she was too close to just being a curious straight girl? If she wore dresses and makeup every day and had long hair and was feminine in every way and identified as bisexual, could you look her in the eyes and go "I don't think you should call yourself queer. You're too close to being a curious straight girl". I really hope you would not do that, and assuming you wouldn't, why would you do it to yourself? Even if you are bi, that is very different from being a curious straight girl. You've listed your orientation as 30% gay 1% straight which tells me you're definitely not straight, because curious straight girls don't have a preference for girls; they have a preference for men and a mild interest in girls. Maybe you're bi, which is still not straight, and you can still call yourself queer. And in terms of your appearance, that has nothing to do with sexuality. Femme lesbians exist. Femme bi girls exist.

    I suspect you have a lot of internalized biphobia and lesbophobia. You've learned all your life that bi girls are basically straight, that feminine lesbians don't exist or are actually bi (and therefore basically straight). It's hard to unlearn that stuff, and it's hardest to unlearn the instinct to apply it to yourself. I learned to take other gay people seriously long before I learned to take myself seriously. You need to trust everyone here telling you that you are enough and that you are more than a curious straight girl, and you need to start consciously un-teaching yourself the bad stuff that society says about bi girls and feminine lesbians. You are enough, no matter what you look like, and even if you end up liking guys too. You are enough even if you aren't 100% sure about your sexuality.
     
    #9 darkcomesoon, Apr 5, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
  10. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Um. Did you realize that your sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with your appearance?

    Your sexuality is about who you're attracted to. Your appearance is about how you choose to look. If you're going to tell me that "feminine and wholesome" isn't ok for a queer woman, I'm going to act all insulted and tell you to keep your judgments to yourself.

    Maybe your sexuality *is* confusing. Why does it matter? Why be anxious about if you're straight or bi? Nothing wrong with either of those sexualities (especially bi, tyvm). You don't need to prove *anything* to anyone. My standing advice to all people who angst about their sexuality is to stop thinking about it, live your life, and if you meet someone you find attractive enough (or having whatever other positive qualities) to want to get closer to, then try dating them. After several years, take a look at who all you've been dating and how satisfied you've been...draw conclusions from there.

    ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2016 at 09:53 PM ----------

    Thank you, sir!
     
  11. Vav

    Vav Guest

    I just feel like there's not enough proof I'm queer. My appearance and mannerisms don't prove it. I don't have any experience with girls, so that can't prove it either. I often question whether my own attractions are even real! There's pretty much no proof that I'm queer. I sometimes think I'm just a dumb late bloomer who was straight all along.
     
  12. Bazinga87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2016
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Cincinnati Ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You know what if I were u I would take a deep breath and not over think this. It's so easy to get into your own mind negatively. I've been there. I would say talk with a therapist, experiment with girls, experiment with guys. That doesn't mean have sex with them but flirt or get to know some lesbians and straight guys and see where your emotions go. I'm 28 and have lived under societies stereotypes and it gets old if you don't know exactly who you are and what you want. And the funny thing is is that once you figure out who you are and what you want you won't give a shit about those stereotypes. I have a journey ahead of me to right my life but I've admitted to myself that at the very least I like the company of men. I've only been with women and fantasized about men but I know that I have gay tendencies that I want to explore. Once I admitted that to myself I felt like I can find a path to happiness. Don't box yourself into what other people and society makes as sterotypes. What ever you find yourself liking will not matter as long as.your happy. Much love and hope that helps
     
  13. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Not to minimize what you're feeling, but I think a lot of people after coming out feel not "queer enough". As if it's a competition, an identity you have to prove, a thing that defines you. I've definitely felt this way myself. The thing to keep in mind is that all your emotions are valid, even if you like being girly and getting attention from boys. There is such a thing as "queer cred", but the more you ignore it the more freeing it will feel.
     
  14. WanderingMind

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Messages:
    190
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Rockies
    Hey there, Vav!

    You've said a few things here that demonstrate you may be experiencing some confusion around what makes a person queer. What if we break it down...

    Do we need to prove we're queer? I mean... I know there are people who might question it, but isn't that their issue more than ours?

    Queer people are not restricted to a certain look. We get to be who we are! If being straight looking or straight acting made me straight, I'd be straight. I am absolutely not.

    Experience does not define who I'm attracted to, and because I'm attracted to both men and women, I'm quite sure I'm not straight. I am bisexual, and I say this without hesitation, even though I've only ever had sex with a man. I don't need to have sex with a woman to know I want to...

    Here's the sentence where your statement about not feeling queer enough begins to make sense. What makes you unsure about your attractions? Is it hesitation to act on them? Or, do you not allow feelings of attraction in? Or, do you not have feelings of attraction? Or, do you have feelings of attraction, but only heterosexual ones? I think your answers to these last questions might help...