I don't even want to write this. I don't even care anymore. I hope that nobody reply's to this. Right now I just wish I could disappear. I'm probably going to end up letting to many people know who this account actually belongs to with the amount of detail I plan on putting into this, but I dont care anymore. My real name is Jeffrey but I've always hated my name, the name I wish was mine is Kenneth but no matter how hard I try a'l always be Jeffrey. I don't know where to begin. This is going to be long and rambly so don't bother reading it. Its not important anyway. I'm not important anyway. I'm 17, 7 of those years I've wasted, the rest I just don't know. I feel trapped, like I don't know, I just feel like there's nothing I can do anymore. Over the years I just feel like everything about me that could have been something has disappeared. When I was a kid, I was dislexic and I couldn't read at the age of 9, nothing. My family came back to Texas and well, spending my entire life alone with my sister didn't do much for my social skills. I was bullied by pretty much everyone. I had a few friends that accepted me but I think they just peiteted me. We moved again. I started school at a different school, I still got bullied a lot. I didn't have any friends at school this time. The only thing that was better about this school was they had really good classes for special ed kids. I learned to read and write at a high school level in what felt like seconds, in reality it was years. I still can't read the natural way, I can only read by sight words. If I don't know the words I can't read them. At the the time I thought I was special, I thought I had overcome a enavitable obstacle that would cripple me my entire life. I was wrong. What I had done was begin the illusion that, I was unstoppable, that nothing could break me. I was so wrong it was into uncomprohinsible. My family changed over the years. It begun with the death of my great grandmother. When I was little, I was very close with her. She seemed like god himself. Then one day she passed away. I was sad of course, I cried I did all the normal things you do when someone close passes away. After I had learned to read, I was doing exponentially better in school. I was getting good grades, I had a crush on a girl, everything seemed great. I think that I was just arrogant. I had a few friends, but I don't even remember there names now. I think they just tolerated me. I think it was a blissful dream in my head, at best. I did my best to impress the other kids, most of them hated me. I still remember one kid, who openly protested my very existence. On my transfer from elementary to middle school, things didn't get better, they probably got worse. I was convinced by my science teacher in elementary, Mr. Lazono that moving to advanced science class was a good idea. I believed him, I really did, and I think that of all the things I imagined in my childhood that maybe this mans kindness was the one this thing I didn't imagine. The bullying continued. I failed horribly in ap science, the teacher mr. Mockman was very straight forward about it, he told me I wasn't smart enough to be in his class. The holes in my emotional fortitude had begun. I failed science that year and didn't bother trying again the next year. Luckily it wasn't bad enough to cause me to fail the entire year. One good thing did come out of that year, I met Jonathan. I didn't know at the time but Jonathan is more important then anything to me. We moved on to junior high were all the bullying and taunting finally got to me, I started doing anything to impress people. I did a lot of things I'm not so proud of. I said things to people who didn't deserve it, I abused things I was good at, I made jokes about people behind there back, probably the worse thing I did was I lied, a lot. It wasn't even about big things I just made up lies because people thought it was funny I could. I got into a lot of trouble that year. The next year, I decided that I wasn't going to get into any trouble, well I got into trouble just not the same kind. Against my better judgment I got talked into it by some bullies who said it would make me cool without getting me into trouble. It just opened up a larger amount of time I could be around the bullies. "Your fat, your slow, your weak, your a waste of space, your gay, shut up unless you want to fight". Things weren't much better at home, my family was less then supportive, I would go home and it would seem like the family was always a mess. When I was a baby and my parents had only been married a couple months, my dad cheated on my mom. My mom never let it go. My mom acts like a dictator and my dad never stands up to her because he doesn't want to destroy the work he's done making it up to her. She'll never forgive him no matter what he does. My mom basically rose herself, because my grandmother was a alcoholic and spent most of her time at the bar. Which is probably related to her husband leaving her with 3 young daughters. My grandmother hates pretty much everyone, African Americans, men, gay people, and especially Muslims. I love her but its the Truth. My house is a mess there's mold behind the sink toilet and pantry, its infested with roaches, its a 2 bedroom house holding 7 people a dog and like 6 cats. I think the worse part is I get blamed for what feels like everything. It feels like everyone always has a reason to be mad at me. It feels like I'm always being broken down. When I started high school, I had made a small group of friends that I'm always with, freshmen year not much really happened, softmore year, I had made a discovery about myself, something that made things awkward and complicated. I came out as being gay, after a couple years of idolizing Jonathan I realized that it was more then just friendship, I had fallen in love with Jonathan. Me and Jonathan are still friends but after I told him that I think I might have started to love him, he changed the way he acts around me, he always seems on edge and uninterested in me as a person, I don't blame him. I try not to think about him in that way anymore. Its now my junior year and I just feel depressed, I still get bullied, I still get emotionally overdrawn, my grades still suck, I just feel miserable. What should I do?
I know you said that you didn't want a reply, but I just really wanted say something. I think that you need to learn to forgive yourself for the bad stuff that happened in the past, especially the stuff that you did in order to impress people. Last year, I was doing all the stuff that you did in junior high. I bitched about loads of nice people in my year and they found out, and I spent most of my time pranking people with a friend who I wasn't nice enough to. I basically presented myself like a deranged creep to my whole year and all that I wanted to do was move away and never talk to those people again. It honestly looked at one point like I was going to be expelled for the shit I said about people. You need to accept that you did some bad stuff in the past, but also know that you can stop it from doing damage to your current life. People forget about things and move on, so you don't need to feel guilty for that time in your life (it doesn't sound like you had bad intentions, anyway). The same thing goes with Jonathan - he might feel awkward around you atm but it won't be forever. The best thing you can do rn is try not to be intrusive (but remember he's still your friend and it's not exactly fair of him to decide to cut you out of his life). I said the worst shit about the girl that I liked and she's still talking to me so believe me - it will turn out okay. I'd recommend that you talk to someone though, bc you seem to sad about a lot of stuff from the past. Maybe asking your family for a counsellor isn't the best thing to do atm considering how stressed they're but there are people you can call. Anyway, I really hope that things improve for you and that you get the help you need. You're not alone in how you've acted and trust me people have/will move on.
Yeah you ought to forgive yourself. Try to focus on your dreams and don't forget the hard struggles, embrace the things about you that make you different. I know that is hard but you'll push through it. Don't give up on yourself.
