I'm a seventeen-year-old girl. From when I was about ten till when I was about sixteen, I put a lot of mental effort into convincing myself I was straight. Mostly out of fear - I thought being gay would be rather difficult and I was scared of having to deal with that. I couldn't even let myself question the logic of this convincing-myself-I'm-straight strategy, because that would come too close to questioning whether or not I was straight. So that went on for about six years until I finally got confused and frustrated enough to do a bit of questioning and googling, and pretty soon I realised that I didn't like /anyone/ in any way other than platonically. I know that may sound weird but I honestly didn't. No sexual or romantic attraction, nothing. Realising this was such a relief because I could finally stop putting all that mental effort info convincing myself I was straight and that was . . . such a weight off my shoulders. Me being me, I did get very anxious and question this conclusion a lot, but it stood up to scrutiny and I stuck with "I don't like anyone" for the next year. However, like week I realised that I kind of like looking at attractive women in a way that's different to what I've felt before; I get aroused and you know it just feels different. And I realised this had been happening over the past year since I realised I didn't like anyone, and had slowly increased in frequency and severity until it went from being "almost unnoticeable" to "noticeable." Actually, the first time I ever recall it happening was during the week I finally stopped convincing myself I was straight, which I guess makes sense because during that week I was staring at everyone and questioning how I felt about it. So, yeah, I like looking at women now. But that only started when I was sixteen, which is confusing as it seems about six years too late (I didn't start puberty any later than average). Could I just have been repressing it? (Although if I was that's quite impressive because I honestly wasn't attracted to anyone.) And also, I still don't seem to like anyone romantically. No crushes or anything. Which doesn't seem that normal to me. However, I do have a (female) friend and I've spent the past couple of years trying to work out if my feelings for her are entirely platonic. I mean, there's no butterflies or anything, but I love her an awful lot - it's like I often define the quality of my day based on how much time I got to spend with her, I'll do almost anything she tells me to do even if it's unfair because I love her and I want to do it for her, it feels like if she murdered me I'd hope she wouldn't get caught because I don't want her to go to prison, if she decides to go and talk to someone else I'll follow her but I'll be a bit disappointed bevause I prefer it when it's just us. However, it's also worth noting that I have barely any friends so she fulfills nearly all my friendship needs and also I do have a large capacity for platonic love, so honestly I really don't know where the line is there. So honestly, I don't know what I am. Am I gay? Why did this kick in at sixteen and is that normal? Is it likely that I have the capacity to like people romantically and will that kick in one day? I just don't know. If anyone has any insights to offer, I'd be very grateful.
