In giving this thread that particular title I don’t want to be controversial, I want to express and explore my own conundrums, wishes, freedoms. I have an anxiety that I was born inter-sex. I experienced a degree of rejection and cruelty in childhood, as well as other things children should never have to endure. My body was laughed at and a constant cause of shame - way beyond childhood. Even though it causes me shame and revulsion. After a shower when I sit down to dry my hair and look in the mirror to see, well, I don’t know what to say. Maybe the best euphemism is to say I seem to have two innies. Is that male? Is that female? Honestly, I’m not sure who could tell. So, did someone choose for me? Was I wrapped in a blue blanket and called "him"? I was a victim of violence in my mid teens which effected my development there even more so. Now under, or, above all this there is been a constant wondering. I love gentle, beautiful, gorgeous things. I’ve always loved all the choices that women have in their clothing. From a young age I’ve hated looking at the drab collection of poorly hanging rubbish called men’s underwear and had an eye over my shoulder at the lovely luscious lacy things! How come men didn’t have so much choice? And what about make up? Did my nails, my lips, my cheeks not deserve attention? Over the decades well I’ll not say I tried. But I did buy some kneehighs! I even once managed to buy a pair of white bridal hold-ups! But only since lockdown have I really ventured into getting lovely things. Two nights ago I finally tried a full outfit that I wanted, yes it was all lacey lovely stuff, just for my own bedroom. But I put it on, I looked in the mirror, and for the first time in my life looked at my body and thought "I’m beautiful." And it’s not about arousal, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it was about feeling and being and comfort. I’ve never felt I’ve wanted a surgical transition, I don’t particularly like my body but I don’t want to dramatically amend it. I don’t actually completely reject an androgynous feeling but I’d love to be able to manifest myself more. A fop. A dandy. A duchess. A milady. A flash of silk stocking under a monogrammed slipper. So, that title. 1. I don’t want to discover I feel this way because someone looked confused between my legs and reached for the blue blanket. 2. I don’t want to physically change my body, just what I drape it in. And support ... my heart breaks, I feel lost, I feel broken: am I in the right place? Do you understand me? If we met on an Internet forum what would you say?
I know a very small amount about intersex people. My first question would be, have you talked with your physician about this? Unfortunately, intersex is rare enough that even many physicians are not well trained on it and you might need a referral to a specialist. But the very first thing would probably be looking at that piece. Secondarily to that, regardless of whether you are physically intersex, what's going on for you mentally/psychologically/emotionally is just as important or more important. This is something I'd want to explore with a therapist who is deeply familiar with gender identity issues. I get that it could be uncomfortable/difficult/embarrassing to talk to a professional about this, but this is likely going to be the best way for you to explore and get clarity on where things are for you.
Welcome to EC. I wanted to start with this part because I think it goes to the heart of the matter. For 1, I do not think that it really matters why you are the way that you are, it only matters that you want to dress the way that you want to. For 2, it is fine to dress outside of the social norm without medically transitioning, there can sometimes be problems finding a safe place to do so but it is not wrong to be yourself. If you wish to wear certain clothing then do so. If you live someplace where that could cause problems you should move someplace where it would cause fewer problems. I do know that it can be an issue, I was assigned male at birth and I live as a woman. You should live, act and present as the person who is going to be most fulfilling for you. As far as what you said in the first part I have some questions and statements but as I said above, you should present how you wish regardless of these details. You do not have to answer any questions that you do not want to. I am not certain what you mean here. Are you anxious because you were diagnosed as intersex as an infant? Or are you anxious because you wish that you were? If you were diagnosed as such in infancy were you surgically altered then? This is awful and I am sorry. I was also rejected by many and bullied both at home and at school. No child should be treated this way. All children should be cherished, supported and cared for. Two "innies"? Are you saying that you have an anus and a vagina? or by two innies are you talking about up front and thus mean a vagina and urethral opening? or even that there are two vaginal canals (this actually can happen)? As far as were you called "him"? This is something that you do know, generally a doctor will assign someone as male if their prader scale score is 5 or 6, if their prader scale is 4 they surgically alter and then give a male assignment (for lower scores a female assignment is given but I do know someone who was a 3 and her father had her altered to a male assignment). While you were growing up did your parents refer to you as a boy or a girl? What is on your documentation? Regardless of who you are inside and how you experience things the doctor when you were born did call you something and your medical files and your identification should reflect this. I am also sorry that you experienced violence during your development, I was also subjected to physical violence as a child and as a teen and I also had a surgery in early puberty. I know that it is awful to not be accepted. More important though than any of these details here in the previous paragraph is how you see yourself and what will make you most comfortable. Go ahead and explore presenting in whatever way makes you most comfortable. I am sorry that you feel this way. You are not broken you are just you, you may be different but that is ok. Yes, this is a good place for people who are different. I am not certain that I fully understand all of your issues but I do understand what it is to be different. What I say is welcome, I am here and I am listening.
Thank you for replying. I'm currently investigating if I can see my medical records from the time of my birth, if they still exist. I understand its rare and maybe its just a fear I've had for a long time due to "poor development" in that area. I don't believe the answer would change my feelings with regards to gender identity and sexuality but its one of those it would be nice to know. I think the title of the thread is about not wanting what I embrace about myself now to be something that's "just" physical. Therapy. I've had a lot of horrible stuff in life and therapy has ended up being a constant for me, I am beginning to address gender and sexuality more deeply because it has been uncomfortable/difficult/embarassing. In fact, why I'm here is because I want to venture more into this community that I increasingly feel I have a safe space in. To physical I could have added “pathological”. There’s a lot that stops me belonging on many levels in many places because of those life events and gender/sexuality fluidity, not definitively belonging to traditional norms, is that more of the same? But I’m seeking to embrace what this wonderful new movement allows me to identify with, and, be embraced. Sorry if I’m too heavy straight off and I hope, with hope!, that I’m finding the right place. I can’t emphasis enough just how wonderful it was four days ago to look at myself and say “I’m beautiful” because at last I’d entered my dream.
