Still a virgin at 39, but always felt hetero as my physical and emotional crushes were for girls. started nofap/ semen retention 7-8 months ago and with that came a much higher libido. also delved into prostate play during that interval. In that time, I started to have *intrusive* gay thoughts ( at least in the beginning ), but they became more and more frequent, with me fantasising about being taken, performing bj*, and more… with a lot of graphical detail l… i also was able to develop a way to have multiple prostate orgasms just with the PC muscles and meditation focusing on the sensations since then my thoughts are increasingly sexual and most of those fantasies are gay in nature the strange thing is that in the open, I feel attracted to women, and that’s where my eyes drift to. I don’t feel any attraction to guys I don’t know, nothing physical or the like. In my head and with guys I know, it’s a different story, but I don’t find males beautiful physically in the same sense. i have honestly no idea what is happening to me, but it’s quite confusing and scary. I also have homophobic tendencies (which I often reject then accept again in a very up and down tendency) i also noticed that in addition to women, there have been several guys who were overtly sexual with me (talking about their d*, overtly being masculine and seductive, touching hands saying they love me), but nothing comes out of it I believe because of their own fear or rejection of their tendencies ( their own homophobia ). This creates a forever oscillating dynamic which is slightly maddening.
Gilles.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. It's not overly unusual for sexual orientation to move around a little bit. It's been proven that very few people are 100% straight or 100% gay. What ever feels right for you is probably best for you. If you don't feel comfortable expressing what you feel internally to those around you, then you don't have to. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know that finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Family was one of the best choices that I ever made. He has helped me a great deal through some very difficult issues that I could not have handled by myself. Please give that some thought! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
It's very normal to have internalized homophobia because we pick up these ideas our whole lives. Sometimes it can help to try to think about WHY it feels like a bad or "wrong" thing to feel same-sex attraction? (Because it's usually what some other people might think..). It's also very normal to have different levels or types of attraction to men and women - I find women more visually attractive than men but I love having sex with men. I don't know WHY that is (maybe that society portrays women as more attractive or sexual - in advertising, tv, music videos etc. etc.?!) Maybe because millions of years of evolution makes women attractive to men? I don't know! But it's common! Also it's normal for bi people to have varying preferences over time - sometimes more attracted to men or women. Also remember it doesn't have to be an equal attraction...
When I say it's normal to have some internalized homophobia I mean don't blame yourself for that - we still need to WORK on it and undo it!
