TW: Self-Harm, suicidal thoughts It's been a while since I've posted here, because I thought I was fine. I've got an appointment with my therapist Tuesday, I just had to wait and I could talk it out. Easier said then done. I went over to my friends house the other day, the first time I had talked to someone I knew who wasn't in my family since my revelation. I have become painfully aware of the thoughts that have suppressed my personality my whole life. Like little voice on my shoulder saying "don't say that, they'll think your girly", or "just deal with it, you can be a man". I've tried to repress this voice, but I can't. How else would I stay normal until I came out, but then again, I need to let myself be myself at least a little. So I've been living with these little angel and devil on my shoulder (although at points it's not clear which one is which). And they don't seem to get along, I'm just using these voices/people on my shoulder as a metaphor, but sometimes it feels like this being takes over me with just pure malice for myself. When my thoughts are left alone one voice goes right into dysphoria and the other one goes into anger. And so to calm this, I stay up late researching trans stuff and checking this website, reading other people's stories. I'd be on my computer until I knew I could lay down and just fall asleep, no thoughts, no anger. But my nighttime research kinda told on me, the youtube algorithm knew my secret. I got recommended a few trans youtubers, a few trans memes, and I watched these videos. Next thing I knew every time I would open youtube, at least one thing in the first 6 recommendations would be trans-related. What if my family sees my youtube recommended? If they watch a different video on my account they'll see it pop up on the side. So I purged my recommendation of everything trans, I enjoyed watching these youtubers but the being of malice took over, went into options and told it to never recommend the videos again. I know, I know, its youtube videos what's the big deal? But this sort of put into a stage of denial, it was like I couldn't even think about being trans, I was suppressing it again. So tonight I was going to stay off of my computer, for sure. I could just sit and think normal thoughts, there would be no dysphoria whatsoever since I was definitely not trans, good thing, it sure is easier this way. I don't know why I thought it would work, but it didn't. I was still dysphoric, and I got pretty mad. I sat there in the dark, feeling like my mind was fighting itself, and I just wanted it to end. I started thinking of ways out. I caught myself there, I couldn't even think of a way to do it, the closest object that could do any harm would be the fingernail clippers in the bathroom. I and then I walked into the bathroom. Here it was, feeling like this malice had taken over me, like I was cowering in fear of myself, wielding a weapon that I knew could do no real damage. The reasonable part of me took over for a sec, that my parents would surely notice if I cut my arm or leg, and they'd see my chest when I get out of a shower. But that leaves a whole middle section not visible to anyone but me. And this malice in me had one thought, gripped the fingernail clippers, and slashed at my thigh, right where men's shorts could hide it, but short shorts could not. The slight pain shook me out of the spell, and I looked down at my thigh. Lucky, no mark left there. But then a saw a faint red line start to appear, a few brighter red spots along the line, then the whole thing was bleeding, not harmful, but very visible, and painful. It's hard to think about what I just did, I never would imagine myself doing this. The worst I've ever had was thoughts, just thoughts, I never took action until now. As soon as I did it I felt immediate regret, but also a weird sense of freedom that I can't explain. I rushed back to my room after doing it, and I went on my computer. I don't know what I expected to do but it just helped in the past. I opened youtube, in a incognito tab so no one could see my searches, and I found a specific video. I re-watched the video that first made me question my gender, the one with the girl, the person I wanted to be. I was brought back to that moment, with that scary feeling I didn't know was so nice. I'm not keeping that malice anymore, I've got no need to blend in, I just have to be me. That's where I logged on to EC and just started writing, to vent things out, to make sense of it all. But I think I vented out most of that voice in my head, the devil on my shoulder. I've still got the cut and I guess I'll keep that hidden. This is mostly a vent, but I also see it as a story (you can tell cuz it's the size of book lol). A story with a moral, one I've heard before but did not follow, so I cannot stress this enough: do not bottle up your feelings, it only makes it worse.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, dysphoria really sucks. Is there anything you could try out in secret that would help (if you're not ready to come out yet/still figuring it out)? You could make yourself a separate account specifically for your trans research, that would keep it off of the other one so your family doesn't see. If you're not seeing a therapist yet, i would suggest you start- they can give you better tools to cope than self-harm. Please try not to hurt yourself again, there are people who care about you in your life I'm sure and I want you to be able to be yourself. Being able to be yourself is underrated if you ask me.
Hugs your way. I think therapy is a really good idea. Maybe you can convince your parents that you need therapist to just talk about understanding more of your emotions, self identity and about how depressing life is and climate change and so on, if you're not ready yet to tell them about yourself, just yet. You don't need to let them in on the conversations going on in therapy and you can tell your therapist that you don't wish your parents to know about it and about their attitudes. Self identity is something very normal and it's normal to think about stuff like who you are and so on. Simply put self-identity is how we perceive ourselves in light of all our experiences and achievements in every area of our lives since we were born. This can be a double-edged sword for many, as we try to secure ourselves in our personhood and find emptiness because we have no idea of who we are outside of the many roles that we play in life. This is a good topic for therapy and you don't need to mention gender to your parents.
Yeah, I'm already in therapy due to other stuff I had going on about a year ago, and we kept the therapist and just made the appointments more spread out since I was doing ok. I've got an appointment in two days, she'll be the first person other than the people here that I will talk to about my gender identity. It's a little scary but I definitely need it.
You got this. When I first told my psychiatrist, then I wrote about myself onto a piece of paper, because I was scared of saying it out loud. It was easier written down.
I'm sorry you've been going through all of this. That's good you have the appointment and I hope it helps. Can you get more frequent appointments?
