I DID IT.

TW for things like SH//S**cidal ideation//etc

okay, so um. I did it! I cut my hair. I went on a 9 day trip to the southern states of the USA for a school trip. I had a LOT of fun. I'd actually say those 9 days are the happiest I've been in my life. But anyways, it was a very diverse group of kids. There were a lot of different genders, ethnicities, sexualities, etc. I made friends with a trans dude who is actually now one of my besties I really admire him. But on day 5, he comes up to me with scissors he had borrowed from the front desk. I had told him since I met him that I've been wanting to cut my hair because it's contributing to my gender dysphoria. And so he offered to cut it. I said yes, and I was pretty nervous but I ended up loving it. I got soo many compliments on it from everyone! Everyone was kinda shocked that I actually went through with it. But nobody was against it, yknow? Anyways, I got home yesterday. It was 2am. My mom was up and she was the first to see. I told her I got gum stuck in my hair, and even made a semi-elaborate story to go with it. She was pissed, but I was able to distract her with other things like souvenirs I got from my trip. Fast forward to today, my dad gets home from work and sees me. I'm showing him my souvenirs and telling him about my trip, and then he notices. He asks if I cut my hair, and I said I got gum in it. Then he yelled at me and said "I call bullsh*t" so I went upstairs. I was just trying to talk about the fun I had. I came back down later to take a shower and my hair got brought up again because my mom said it looked like a karen-hairstyle. Then my dad started yelling at me again. He said I'm not allowed to make any decisions until I'm 18, and that my teacher is going to be getting in trouble. They told me that they were going to let me get a job and that now they aren't because they don't trust me. I asked why they didn't want my hair short, and they said it didn't matter, and that I had to listen to them because they're my parents. So I went back upstairs and was shaking and crying. I was so mad, and mostly just tired. I relapsed again for the first time in awhile. And then I started having really bad thoughts. Like, scenarios of me doing dangerous things. And the things is, if my parents weren't in their room I probably would've done it. I think the saddest part is that when I was on this trip, I felt so happy and motivated that I told myself I could get rid of my tools. And then all that happened. And now I'm at a higher low than before. And my parents have mine and my sister's meds out right now, and I can't tell you how tempting it is. That's what they did before I ended up in the hospital last time.
So yeah. I cut my hair. I might add a picture of it or something. Ya'll can insult it or compliment it or whatever. I dont really care right now

 

Thank you <3 I think it looks alright in my opinion. I mean, now that my mom has brought up that it looks like a "karen" hairstyle, I'm a little more insecure of it I've been trying to keep it swept to one side ahh. But it's much lighter and it's so much easier to wash. And my sister told me I looked like a boy earlier (I'm not a trans guy, I really just want to pass as more masculine) also my sister is really supportive of it lol. Also yes, I do. Not about the s**cidal thoughts but about all of that stuff that happened. I'm planning on telling my teacher that I trust :") I hope it goes well. Also my parents have cooled down a little today, but now I'm all on edge yknow? TW i guess but I haven't had my meds for a week so I've already been in a tough place but now I'm much more fragile than before. So we'll wait it out I suppose ^^"